GOVERNMENT JOB APPLICANTS
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything? He replied, 'yes - caffeine'. Have you ever been in the military service? 'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?' The guy said, 'Yes.... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer said O.K. - You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day. The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that!'
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Cow Company around the world
TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and bought a baby bull. Nurse and feed it well; They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You invest & kept the gains into the country reserve
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows, Then re-mortgage the investment of the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise, The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets, No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cows? Then these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died, You are surprised when there's No Asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ??? Finally, You ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market!
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister And last but not least,
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu" (hokkien for: always make noise and whine a lot)
You have two cows. You sell one and bought a baby bull. Nurse and feed it well; They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You invest & kept the gains into the country reserve
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows, Then re-mortgage the investment of the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise, The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets, No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cows? Then these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died, You are surprised when there's No Asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ??? Finally, You ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market!
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre. Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister And last but not least,
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu" (hokkien for: always make noise and whine a lot)
Pigs' feet: the new superfood
As Britain's spending on cosmetic surgery soars, Fiona MacDonald Smith suggests it's time that we chopped and changed our diet instead .
The latest anti-ageing food? Pigs' trotters. That's right, you heard it here first. In New York, the most talked-about new opening of the past couple of months has been a Japanese restaurant called Hakata Tonton, where 33 out of the 39 dishes contain pigs' feet.
The reason for this, according to its owner, Himi Okajima, is that they are rich in collagen, the protein responsible for skin and muscle tone, more recognizable to beauty addicts in the form of face creams and fillers.
"Collagen helps your body retain moisture," says Okajima, who has introduced a chain of restaurants specializing in collagen cuisine in Japan . "Your hair and skin will look better, but it's not just for looking beautiful now. If you begin eating collagen in your thirties, you will look younger in your forties."
Maybe this sounds a little improbable ( "It's news to me," sniffs Lisa Miles of the British Nutrition Foundation. "I've certainly never heard of eating collagen." ) but Okajima believes he is on to something. Figures published last month show that British spending on cosmetic surgery is the highest in Europe, hitting nearly £500 million in 2006, four times more than in 2001.
Isn't there a cheaper solution? Couldn't eating the right foods, in the right way, be a simpler, and ultimately more long-term way to stay looking and feeling younger? "You are what you eat," says nutritional therapist Ian Marber, aka The Food Doctor.
"You can't turn the clock back but you can slow things down. Every cell replicates from RNA and DNA. In order to keep the DNA in good condition, you want to protect cells from harmful free radicals. And for this you need to eat fruit and vegetables, which contain vital anti-oxidants like vitamins A, C, E and zinc. "It doesn't have to be expensive," he adds. "I know people go on about so-called 'superfoods' which have a greater concentration of anti-oxidants, but two apples a day will give you plenty of vitamins and fibre. You just need to ensure a varied diet."
"The key is to remember we're omnivorous," agrees nutritionist Christian Lee, who is the national trainer for the Dr Nicholas Perricone cosmetics and nutrition empire. "Have you ever noticed how women age more rapidly than men? That's because they don't eat enough protein. The days you don't eat protein are the days you age. The body can't store protein, but it needs it for cellular production and function.
"At each meal you should be able to hold up three fingers and say 'I've got a good source of protein (lean fish or poultry, nuts, seeds or tofu); an essential fatty acid ( Omega 3 or 6, so that's coldwater oily fish, flaxseeds, linseeds ) and a low glycaemic carbohydrate ( fruit, vegetables, and whole grains like quinoa, buckwheat and oatmeal )'. If you can say that, you're on the right road."
Perricone, a dermatologist, became America's most famous anti-ageing specialist with his "Three-Day Nutritional Face Lift", which extolled the virtues of eating wild Alaskan salmon twice a day, claiming its essential fatty acids would banish puffiness and tighten the skin. Uma Thurman, Heidi Klum and J-Lo are all fans.
In his new book Ageless Face, Ageless Mind, which has yet to reach the UK, Dr Perricone's team assert that up to 40 per cent of wrinkles are caused by dietary sugar.
"When you eat high glycaemic carbohydrates like bread, cakes and pasta, they turn into sugar in the blood so fast that the pancreas can't respond with enough insulin and the blood becomes saturated with sugar," argues Christian Lee. "The sugar needs to go somewhere so it attaches itself to the cell membranes.
When it does this to collagen molecules in the skin, it causes the collagen to become stiff and immobile and that's the birth of the wrinkle. The bad news is that it doesn't end there - the sugar then pumps out free radicals, causing a double whammy of damage.
The good news is you can prevent it - either by cutting out sugar or by taking a supplement of alpha lipoid acid, which is 400 times stronger than vitamin C and E combined."
So ditch the sugar, but don't forget the pigs' trotters. FOODSTUFFS THAT KEEP YOU YOUNG
Spinach contains the pigment lutein, present in the retina, which helps maintain the health of the eye.
Tomatoes contain the anti-oxidant lycopene, which can protect the skin from UV damage from the sun.
Purple or red berries - such as blueberries, raspberries and strawberries - are full of anthocyanins which can help protect against diabetes, heart disease and cancer, and help maintain strong arteries.
Oily fish, such as fresh water salmon, herring, mackerel and sardines, and also flax seeds and linseeds, are the main source of omega-3 fatty acids, which can delay the ageing process of the skin.
Water: drinking more aids digestion and elimination; drinking too little can harm the complexion.
....AND SOME THAT AGE YOU
Carbonated drinks - along with tea, coffee, sugar, red meat and alcohol - can push the body's balance towards the acidic, meaning that alkaline minerals (such as calcium) are removed from bone stores to balance it, weakening the bones. Restricting them may help you keep stronger bones. Nightshade vegetables - potatoes, tomatoes, chillies, aubergine and peppers - while often healthy in other respects, contain a chemical that studies suggest can activate pain and inflammation associated with arthritis. Avoiding these foods may help reduce it.
Refined carbohydrates - such as white bread, white rice, sugary cereals, pasta and noodles - contribute to the development of type II diabetes, which accelerates the ageing process and, if not controlled, can lead to a wide range of other health problems.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO
4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency,dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you,and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home,call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.
Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.
This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse.
For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321.
The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.
The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.
This information was recently broadcast on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used because people just don't know about it. Please pass this along to everyone.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency,dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you,and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home,call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.
Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'
THIRD Hidden Battery Power Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.
This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse.
For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321.
The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.
The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.
This information was recently broadcast on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used because people just don't know about it. Please pass this along to everyone.
This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends
Beauty joke
Beauty joke
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Dep'ty Dawg
Dep'ty Dawg
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the planewhen another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog isallowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:' That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figureout how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb !'
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the planewhen another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog isallowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:' That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figureout how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb !'
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
keeper
The moral of this story is to hold on and cherish the people whom we love. Appreciate their presence even though they may not be as perfect as we like them to be. Count the many blessings we can share a meal together, a conversation together and a laugh or two together.
A Keeper?
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, work shirt and a hat; and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other? It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy? All that re-fixing, re-heating leftovers, renewing; I wanted just once to be wasteful? Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.?
But when my mother died, and I was standing in that clear morning light in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick.?
This is true: For marriage... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.?
There are just some things that make life important,?Like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper,' so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are 'keepers' in your life??Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there!
A Keeper?
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, work shirt and a hat; and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other? It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy? All that re-fixing, re-heating leftovers, renewing; I wanted just once to be wasteful? Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.?
But when my mother died, and I was standing in that clear morning light in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick.?
This is true: For marriage... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.?
There are just some things that make life important,?Like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper,' so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are 'keepers' in your life??Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there!
I thought this might be useful for you guys.. Check it out.... Gardenia bread Tips on buying Gardenia bread
I thought this might be useful for you guys..
Check it out.... Gardenia bread Tips on buying Gardenia bread
Here is something interesting........
When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness.
Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday . Each day has a different color twist tie.
They are :
Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Thursday - Red
Friday - White
Saturday - Yellow
So if today is Thursday, you would want ! red twis t tie not white which is Fridays. (almost a week old)!
The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember.
I thought this was interesting..
I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors.
Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
source:email from a friend
Check it out.... Gardenia bread Tips on buying Gardenia bread
Here is something interesting........
When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness.
Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week?
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday . Each day has a different color twist tie.
They are :
Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Thursday - Red
Friday - White
Saturday - Yellow
So if today is Thursday, you would want ! red twis t tie not white which is Fridays. (almost a week old)!
The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember.
I thought this was interesting..
I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors.
Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
source:email from a friend
FITNESS
FITNESS
Health - Very Very Important Tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear .
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water .
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Here are some healthy tip for your smartness & physical fitness .
Prevention is better than cure.
HEALTHY JUICES
Carrot + Ginger + Apple - Boost and cleanse our system.
Apple + Cucumber + Celery - Prevent cancer, reduce cholesterol, and eliminate stomach upset and headache.
Tomato + Carrot + Apple - Improve skin complexion and eliminate bad breath.
Bitter gourd + Apple + Milk - Avoid bad breath and reduce internal body heat
.
Orange + Ginger + Cucumber - Improve Skin texture and moisture and reduce body heat.
Pineapple + Apple + Watermelon - To dispel excess salts, nourishes the bladder and kidney
.
Apple + Cucumber + Kiwi - To improve skin complexion.
Pear & Banana - regulates sugar content.
Carrot + Apple + Pear + Mango - Clear body heat, counteracts toxicity, decreased blood pressure and fight oxidization .
Honeydew + Grape + Watermelon + Milk - Rich in vitamin C + Vitamin B2 that increase cell activity and str engthen body immunity.
Papaya + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin C, E, Iron. Improve skin complexion and metabolism.
Banana + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin with nutritious and prevent constipation
Health - Very Very Important Tips
Answer the phone by LEFT ear .
Do not drink coffee TWICE a day.
Do not take pills with COOL water .
Do not have HUGE meals after 5pm.
Reduce the amount of OILY food you consume.
Drink more WATER in the morning, less at night.
Keep your distance from hand phone CHARGERS .
Do not use headphones/earphone for LONG period of time.
Best sleeping time is from 10pm at night to 6am in the morning.
Do not lie down immediately after taking medicine before sleeping.
When battery is down to the LAST grid/bar, do not answer the phone as the radiation is 1000 times.
Forward this to those whom you CARE about!
Here are some healthy tip for your smartness & physical fitness .
Prevention is better than cure.
HEALTHY JUICES
Carrot + Ginger + Apple - Boost and cleanse our system.
Apple + Cucumber + Celery - Prevent cancer, reduce cholesterol, and eliminate stomach upset and headache.
Tomato + Carrot + Apple - Improve skin complexion and eliminate bad breath.
Bitter gourd + Apple + Milk - Avoid bad breath and reduce internal body heat
.
Orange + Ginger + Cucumber - Improve Skin texture and moisture and reduce body heat.
Pineapple + Apple + Watermelon - To dispel excess salts, nourishes the bladder and kidney
.
Apple + Cucumber + Kiwi - To improve skin complexion.
Pear & Banana - regulates sugar content.
Carrot + Apple + Pear + Mango - Clear body heat, counteracts toxicity, decreased blood pressure and fight oxidization .
Honeydew + Grape + Watermelon + Milk - Rich in vitamin C + Vitamin B2 that increase cell activity and str engthen body immunity.
Papaya + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin C, E, Iron. Improve skin complexion and metabolism.
Banana + Pineapple + Milk - Rich in vitamin with nutritious and prevent constipation
Monday, May 10, 2010
Married Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
treatment of Sugar (Diabetes
Recieved an email from friend, hope this is helpful to those in need. thanks
Please note that another name for Lady's Finger (Bhindi ) is " OKRA ". Last month in one of TV program I learnt of a treatment of Sugar (Diabetes). Since I am diabetic, I tried it and it was very useful and my Sugar level is in control now. In fact I have already reduced my medicine. Take two pieces of Lady Finger (Bhindi) and remove/cut both ends of each piece. Also put a small cut in the middle and put these two pieces in a glass of water. Cover the glass and keep it at room temperature during night. Early morning, before breakfast simply remove two pieces of lady finger (bhindi) from the glass and drink that water.Keep doing it on daily basis. Within two weeks, you will see remarkable results in reduction of your SUGAR.
My sister has got rid of her diabetes. She was on Insulin for a few years, but after taking the lady fingers every morning for a few months, she has stopped Insulin but continues to take the lady fingers every day. But she chops the lady fingers into fine pieces in the night, adds the water and drinks it all up the next morning. Please. try it as it will not do you any harm even if it does not do much good to you, but you have to keep taking it for a few months before you see results, as most cases might be chronic.
My sister has got rid of her diabetes. She was on Insulin for a few years, but after taking the lady fingers every morning for a few months, she has stopped Insulin but continues to take the lady fingers every day. But she chops the lady fingers into fine pieces in the night, adds the water and drinks it all up the next morning. Please. try it as it will not do you any harm even if it does not do much good to you, but you have to keep taking it for a few months before you see results, as most cases might be chronic.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Inflatable Doll.
Inflatable Doll.
A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.
'The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?
'The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
'The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.
A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.
'The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?
'The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
'The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'.
Big People Words
Big People Words
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on NO baby talk!You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'.
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on NO baby talk!You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'.
CEO
This is just so good that I had to send it to all my friends. Regards
A successful business man was growing old andknew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children,he decided to do something different. He called all the youngexecutives in his company together.
He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO.
I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each oneof you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will bethe next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.
Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.
Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!'
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!'
When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!
His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.
'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said.
Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.
All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'
* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
* If you plant faith , you will reap a harvest
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.
'Whatever You Give To Life, Life Gives You Back'
A successful business man was growing old andknew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children,he decided to do something different. He called all the youngexecutives in his company together.
He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO.
I have decided to choose one of you. 'The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. 'I am going to give each oneof you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will bethe next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.
Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.
Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. 'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!'
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!'
When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive Officer!
His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.
'How could he be the new CEO?' the others said.
Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.
All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!'
* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
* If you plant faith , you will reap a harvest
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.
'Whatever You Give To Life, Life Gives You Back'
It's a miracle
It's a miracle
There was a man who worked for the post office whose job was to processall the mail with illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressedin a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought heshould open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterdaysomeone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I haduntil my next pension payment. Next Sunday=2 0is Christmas, and I hadinvited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I havenothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my onlyhope.
Can you help me? Please, hear my prayer.
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the otherworkers. Each one dug into their wallet and managed to come up with afew dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he put intoan envelope and sent back to the woman's return address. The rest of theday, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinnershe would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from thesame old lady to "God".
All the workers gathered around while the letterwas opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you for what you did for me? I now truly believe i nGod, and in Miracles. Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix aglorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told themof your wonderful gift. By the way, I noticed there was $4 missing. Ithink it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
There was a man who worked for the post office whose job was to processall the mail with illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressedin a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought heshould open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterdaysomeone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I haduntil my next pension payment. Next Sunday=2 0is Christmas, and I hadinvited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I havenothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my onlyhope.
Can you help me? Please, hear my prayer.
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the otherworkers. Each one dug into their wallet and managed to come up with afew dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he put intoan envelope and sent back to the woman's return address. The rest of theday, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinnershe would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from thesame old lady to "God".
All the workers gathered around while the letterwas opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you for what you did for me? I now truly believe i nGod, and in Miracles. Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix aglorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told themof your wonderful gift. By the way, I noticed there was $4 missing. Ithink it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
ADVICE FROM DOCTOR
ADVICE FROM DOCTOR
Little did you know ...... after reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at petai in the same way again!
Petai contains three natural sugars -sucrose, fructose and glucose.
Combined with fiber, petai gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proved that just two servings of petai provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute wor kout. No wonder petai is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way petai can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND among people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating petai. This is because petai contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
PMS(premenstrual syndrome): Forget the pills - eat petai. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anaemi a: High in iron, petai can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the petai industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
Brain Power : 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating petai at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
Understand that bananas contain lot of potassium too so eat more banana. Just look at those monkeys, they are really active, alert, smart and cunny too!!
Constipation: High in fiber, including petai in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a petai milkshake, sweetened with honey. The petai calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Petai has a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating petai for soothing relief.
Morning Sickness : Snacking on petai between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito bites : Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of the petai skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
Nerves: Petai is high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
Overweight: Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report c oncluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
Ulcers: Petai is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
Temperature control : Many other cultures see petai as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In hoiland, for example, pregnant women eat petai to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
Seasonal Affecti ve Disorder (SAD) : Petai can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, tryptophan.
Smoking: Petai can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium petai snack.
Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, " eating petai as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%".
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of petai and place it on the wart. Carefully hold the petai in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
So, as you can see, petai really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A Petai a day keeps the doctor away".
A Drover Joke
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
I could not believe this!!!
It is from an orthopedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your friends to frustrate**………………………** them too!
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
I could not believe this!!!
It is from an orthopedic surgeon............
This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It's pre-programmed in your brain!
1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Send it to your friends to frustrate**………………………** them too!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
SAFETY MEASURES
SAFETY MEASURES
Dear reader,
It is sad that we have to be aware of these pointers.....
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.Because of recent abductionsin daylight hours, refresh yourselfof these things to doin an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips ,f orward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest pointon your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .
Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)
DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead start the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes get out and run .It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you,look into your car,at the passenger side floor ,and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door . Some serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back and get someone -guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
(Stair wells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathy of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. The Crying Baby theory :Another Safety Point-Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her' Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----The Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana
Do pass this information to your friends.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. We all need to be reminded
that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry..Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.
Dear reader,
It is sad that we have to be aware of these pointers.....
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.Because of recent abductionsin daylight hours, refresh yourselfof these things to doin an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know. After reading these 9 crucial tips ,f orward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest pointon your body.
If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .
Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)
DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead start the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car.Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes get out and run .It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you,look into your car,at the passenger side floor ,and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door . Some serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back and get someone -guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
(Stair wells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathy of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
9. The Crying Baby theory :Another Safety Point-Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her' Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.
Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----The Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana
Do pass this information to your friends.
It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. We all need to be reminded
that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry..Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.
Boleh-land exams...
Boleh-land exams...
The objective of STPM is to pass people? How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the examsof the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed?
Are students getting smarter?
Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective.
During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like: "In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka ?"
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly.
This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people.
I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail? So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us.
We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one: Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."
60% underlined "Parameswara",
30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and
10% underlined "1402".
Yeah!!!!....60% managed to pass!
So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. ,
So last year, they came out with this gem:
"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka .Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"
13% (smart students) handed in blank answers,
57% wrote "Maggi Mee",
10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and
20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".
The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course!
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed.
87%!!!!!............now that's pretty impressive! So it's true.
So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done
Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!
Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one. Duh……
Source: unknown
The objective of STPM is to pass people? How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the examsof the Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) recently, when during your father's time only 10% would have passed?
Are students getting smarter?
Or are STPM questions getting easier?
Let me put things in their proper perspective.
During your grandfather's time, they would ask exam questions like: "In what year did Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka ?"
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students managed to answer the question correctly.
This didn't go down too well with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass people.
I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail? So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer."
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few years later.
"Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. True or false?"
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed "False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by now but still not good enough. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but not us.
We are a better country, because we are a boleh country. The authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one: Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year 1402. Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka."
60% underlined "Parameswara",
30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and
10% underlined "1402".
Yeah!!!!....60% managed to pass!
So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented. ,
So last year, they came out with this gem:
"One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka .Then he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?"
13% (smart students) handed in blank answers,
57% wrote "Maggi Mee",
10% wrote " Kentucky Fried Chicken" and
20% wrote "Nasi Lemak".
The correct answer was anything concerning "Food" of course!
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had passed.
87%!!!!!............now that's pretty impressive! So it's true.
So now the authorities are very happy that the students are indeed getting smarter? Well done
Boleh-land! Perhaps, this is why we have a host of students with an impressive string of 'As' who can hardly construct a decent sentence!
Neow mind, our super-duper gomen can find a job for us one. Duh……
Source: unknown
Great tips!!!
Great tips!!!
How many of these did YOU know about?
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.(hmmmmmm...)
============ ========= =========
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords . It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder , put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
============ ========= ========= ======
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads , I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
============ == ============ ========= ===
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry t oo quickly and will probably streak.
============ ========= ========= =========
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
============ ========= ========= ========= =
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. Y ou can also do this with towels and linen.
============ ========= ========= =========
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
============ ========= ========= =========
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag an d add the flowers. Shake vigoro usly as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
============ ========= ========= =========
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet , simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
============ ========= ========= ========
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
============ ========= ========= =========
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
============ ========= ========= == =======
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness
.=========== ========= ========= ========
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
============ ========= ========= =========
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
============ ========= ========= =========
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
============ ========= ========= ========
Ants, ants, ants everywhere .. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
============ ========= ========= ========
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
============ ========= ========= ========
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
============ ========= ========= ====
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer..... ...Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric ac id and effervescent action clean vitreous China .
============ ========= ========= =========
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with waterand drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
============ ========= ========= ========
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse thejewelry for two minutes.
============ ========= ========= =========
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
============ ========= ========= ======
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
============ ========= ========= =====
Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)information on to a friend! I just did.
How many of these did YOU know about?
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.(hmmmmmm...)
============ ========= =========
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords . It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
============ ========= ========= ========= =====
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder , put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
============ ========= ========= ======
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads , I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
============ ========= ========= ========= ======
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
============ == ============ ========= ===
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry t oo quickly and will probably streak.
============ ========= ========= =========
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
============ ========= ========= ========= =
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. Y ou can also do this with towels and linen.
============ ========= ========= =========
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
============ ========= ========= =========
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag an d add the flowers. Shake vigoro usly as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
============ ========= ========= =========
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet , simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
============ ========= ========= ========
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
============ ========= ========= =========
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
============ ========= ========= == =======
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness
.=========== ========= ========= ========
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
============ ========= ========= =========
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
============ ========= ========= =========
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
============ ========= ========= ========
Ants, ants, ants everywhere .. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
============ ========= ========= ========
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
============ ========= ========= ========
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
============ ========= ========= ====
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer..... ...Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric ac id and effervescent action clean vitreous China .
============ ========= ========= =========
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with waterand drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
============ ========= ========= ========
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse thejewelry for two minutes.
============ ========= ========= =========
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
============ ========= ========= ======
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.
============ ========= ========= =====
Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)information on to a friend! I just did.
CONFUSING ENGLISH
CONFUSING ENGLISH
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. Why is the men who invest all your money called a broker?
7. If horrific means made horrible, does terrific mean made terrible?
8. Why is it called building when it is already built?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?
11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???
13 . If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???
Get Back to WORK! !!
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
6. Why is the men who invest all your money called a broker?
7. If horrific means made horrible, does terrific mean made terrible?
8. Why is it called building when it is already built?
9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?
11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???
13 . If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this???
Get Back to WORK! !!
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Friday, May 07, 2010
Ostrich Joke . . .
Ostrich Joke . . .
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'' I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.' Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'' I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.' Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
How Adam got Eve
How Adam got Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to.
So God said that He was going to make Adam a companion. and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history......................
Send to all the women who need a good laugh and the men you think can handle it.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'Adam replied that he didn't have anyone to talk to.
So God said that He was going to make Adam a companion. and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history......................
Send to all the women who need a good laugh and the men you think can handle it.
ISRAEL U.N. SPEECH
ISRAEL U.N. SPEECH
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently at the UN, and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about?
The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently at the UN, and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about?
The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.'
Surgeons Preference
Surgeons Preference
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the easiest patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from S'pore, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'
The second, from Bangkok, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'
The third surgeon, from Bejing says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Jarkarta , chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'
But the fifth surgeon, from KL , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.
Politicians from Malaysia UMNO are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.'
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the easiest patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from S'pore, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'
The second, from Bangkok, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'
The third surgeon, from Bejing says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Jarkarta , chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'
But the fifth surgeon, from KL , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.
Politicians from Malaysia UMNO are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.'
Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science?
Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science?
This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa, especially in school. See example below:-
Hardware = barangkeras
Software = baranglembut
Joystick = batang gembira
Plug and Play = cucuk dan main
Port = lubang
Server = pelayan
Client = pelanggan
Try to translate this:
ENGLISH:
That server gives a plug and play service to the client using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.
Now in BAHASA:
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu akan dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.
Now you know...WHY...
This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa, especially in school. See example below:-
Hardware = barangkeras
Software = baranglembut
Joystick = batang gembira
Plug and Play = cucuk dan main
Port = lubang
Server = pelayan
Client = pelanggan
Try to translate this:
ENGLISH:
That server gives a plug and play service to the client using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.
Now in BAHASA:
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu akan dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.
Now you know...WHY...
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain.
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain.
Banta Singh walks into a bar in London, orders three glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we will drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there. Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order three beers and drink them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only two beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss." Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no," He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is................. "I just quit drinking" !!!
Banta Singh walks into a bar in London, orders three glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time." Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London. When they left home, we promised that we will drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there. Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He'd order three beers and drink them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only two beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss." Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs.... "Oh, no," He said, "Everyone's fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is................. "I just quit drinking" !!!
ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE
ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burnsdown,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing,
if Father is Pop,
how come Mother's not Mop?
AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS
Source uknown
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burnsdown,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing,
if Father is Pop,
how come Mother's not Mop?
AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS, GERMS
Source uknown
Religious Husband
Religious Husband
A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED'DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?
THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'.
A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED'DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?
THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'.
If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...
If you have difficulty understanding the current world financial situation, the following should help...
Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.
The above from a banker friend....
Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.'
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Welcome to WALL STREET.
The above from a banker friend....
What is the hardest thing to break?
What is the hardest thing to break?
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.
What is the hardest thing to break then?
Think...
Think...
Think again...
Think again...
Scroll down for the answer but only after thinking, OK?
Don't give up.
Winners never quit.
Quitters never win.
Answer: You really don't know???
The answer is: HABIT
If you break the H, you still have A BIT.
If you break the A, you still have BIT.
If you break the B, you still have IT!!!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the "I".
The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems.
Cute???
Now, I know why HABIT is so hard to break.
Its destiny is in its name.
The word itself.
My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME . Because it makes an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME"...
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.
What is the hardest thing to break then?
Think...
Think...
Think again...
Think again...
Scroll down for the answer but only after thinking, OK?
Don't give up.
Winners never quit.
Quitters never win.
Answer: You really don't know???
The answer is: HABIT
If you break the H, you still have A BIT.
If you break the A, you still have BIT.
If you break the B, you still have IT!!!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the "I".
The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems.
Cute???
Now, I know why HABIT is so hard to break.
Its destiny is in its name.
The word itself.
My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME . Because it makes an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME"...
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in MedicalCollege.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
========================================== > >
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'
=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why Âothers running?
===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
=====================================================
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
Have a good day!
Source unknown
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
====================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in MedicalCollege.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
========================================== > >
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
===========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
=========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
===========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
=========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'
=============================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
===============================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
==================================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
===================================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why Âothers running?
===================================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
=====================================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
=====================================================
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
Have a good day!
Source unknown
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which
part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have
lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which
part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your
feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have
lost her.'
The Nun fainted.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Good one must read
Important Lesson of Life
An elderly man in Kuala Lumpur calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Kuala Lumpur immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Hari Raya (muslim xmas) and paying their own airfare!!"
MORAL: No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days.
The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones or loved ones.
OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE. AFTER ALL WE WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM...... Have a great day....Keep smiling.
An elderly man in Kuala Lumpur calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Kuala Lumpur immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Hari Raya (muslim xmas) and paying their own airfare!!"
MORAL: No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days.
The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones or loved ones.
OFFICE WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE and MONEY MAKING IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE. AFTER ALL WE WORK FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM...... Have a great day....Keep smiling.
Striker
Striker
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World lookingfor a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and> is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches> are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hi Mum, guess what?' he says. ' I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me.' ' Great,' says his Mum, ' now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. ' What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry'. 'Sorry?!?' says his Mum. ' It's your f*cking fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World lookingfor a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and> is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches> are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hi Mum, guess what?' he says. ' I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me.' ' Great,' says his Mum, ' now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. ' What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry'. 'Sorry?!?' says his Mum. ' It's your f*cking fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'
Subject: Birthday gift
Subject: Birthday gift
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. ' I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
source unknown
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. ' I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
source unknown
SMILE AND SMILE - CHILD TALK
SMILE AND SMILE - CHILD TALK
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' -
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Moment listen please
One Moment listen please
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg. I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg. I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain
Fun of getting old
An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
---------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mea n a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fet it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' ' Really,' answered the neighbor. sp;'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty .'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !
Source Unknown
---------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mea n a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fet it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' ' Really,' answered the neighbor. sp;'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty .'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !
Source Unknown
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
THE LEGEND OF CIGARETTES
THE LEGEND OF CIGARETTES
>>> I am Peter Stuyvesant.
>>> I have two friends, Benson and Hedges .
>>> I came from the city of Marlboro.
>>> In the Salem high country,
>>> I always carry a Mild Seven .
>>> I rode on a White Horse .
>> Going to Kingsway in Kent.
>>> It was Lucky Strike I fell in love.
>>> With the daughter of Master Duke.
>>> Her name was YSL.
>>> We got married by Perillys , the priest.
>>> We checked in at the house of Dunhill
>>> And booked into room number 555.
>>> I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
>>> I played with her two Matterhorns.
>>> When I poked in my Rothmans King Size,
>>> She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!!'
>>> You are riding like a mad Camel.
>>> When I asked her if she is satisfied,
>>> She answer, "I want More !!!!"
Source unknown
>>> I am Peter Stuyvesant.
>>> I have two friends, Benson and Hedges .
>>> I came from the city of Marlboro.
>>> In the Salem high country,
>>> I always carry a Mild Seven .
>>> I rode on a White Horse .
>> Going to Kingsway in Kent.
>>> It was Lucky Strike I fell in love.
>>> With the daughter of Master Duke.
>>> Her name was YSL.
>>> We got married by Perillys , the priest.
>>> We checked in at the house of Dunhill
>>> And booked into room number 555.
>>> I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
>>> I played with her two Matterhorns.
>>> When I poked in my Rothmans King Size,
>>> She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!!'
>>> You are riding like a mad Camel.
>>> When I asked her if she is satisfied,
>>> She answer, "I want More !!!!"
Source unknown
Simple test of IQ
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsAttend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. Well I failed the test miserably and therefore should have a need for schadenfreude, I classify myself as a moron or cretin like some powers that be. Ha ha haw haw hee hee heeee!!
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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l
l
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsAttend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. Well I failed the test miserably and therefore should have a need for schadenfreude, I classify myself as a moron or cretin like some powers that be. Ha ha haw haw hee hee heeee!!
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