BBC is paying me 18 million pound

Ha ha ha ha ha ..........

I will be a millionaire soon.

See the email below, BBC is paying me 18 million pound.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ......

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from BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT bedvin@gimelnet.rs reply-to BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT to date Fri, Jul 1, 2011 at 10:54 AM subject PAYMENT mailed-by gimelnet.rs

hide details 10:54 AM (7 hours ago)

Warning: This message may not be from whom it claims to be. Beware of following any links in it or of providing the sender with any personal information. Learn more

Dear Winner,

We want to inform you that your funds of £18,000,000.00 (Eighteen Million Pounds sterling) have been release to you through the BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK on our 2011 charity bonanza.The BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK wishes to congratulate you over the success of your email address.

To receive your winnings of £18,000,000.00 within the next 24hrs, We want you to re-confirm your information below so that we can be able to release your funds to you.You are advice to provide with your following information as stated below :

Full Name:
Contact Address:
Phone And Fax#:
Age:
occupation:
Country

NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT PAY ANY CHARGES TO RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS.Your funds are protected by hard cover insurance policy until it is remitted to your account in your country.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. You will contact through our email address:(bbcfinancedep@yahoo.cn) to collect your funds as soon as possible.

We need your urgent reply to collect your funds today.

Yours faithfully,
Dr Helen Cole
MANAGING DIRECTOR
BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT
UNITED KINGDOM
0845 838 1815 (UK Local Rate)
+44 7024084948(From Outside UK)

Sandwiches

There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his brother, Little Johnny, who is 9. They have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top...so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun....he says to her.."My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position."

So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the Little Johnny wakes up and says "would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face."

Sex Ed

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

Sh*t

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SH*T! Johnny askes "What does that mean?" his mother says " Oh that means putting on makeup"

Little Johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys Johnny askes "what does that mean" and they said "it means hats and coats"

Little Johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word F*CK!

Johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means "stuffing the turkey". Then there was a knock on the door. Johnny opens it . His aunt and uncle were there. Johnny says to them " here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen F*cking the turkey!

Skipping a Grade

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is !!I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was... The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: " What is 3x3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, " Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".

Stupid

One day theres a couple of kids in a phycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"

To which Little Johnny replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"

Summer Trip

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio.

Sum of Which

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."

"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." "But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

That Thing Little

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Twenty Bucks

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not!" answered his mother. "If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

Wagon Ride

Little Johnny goes back to school on Monday and the teacher asks the kids if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.

Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn't want to call on him.

Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, "All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend?" Johnny says," I rode in my wagon and had my dog pull me, well we came to this steep hill and we got going really fast, my dog couldn't run fast enough.

The handle of the wagon rammed up his ass." The teacher interupts and corrects Johnny by saying,"Rectum Johnny, Rectum." Johnny says,"Recked UM? It damn near killed him!"

Well Endowed

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without too much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

What’s A Penis?

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"

Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything." That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?"

Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, "That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call a PERFECT penis!"

Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"

Whorehouse

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.

I'm here to have a good time!, Johnny Says

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) Where have you been?

I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?

Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!

Worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

You Can’t Have One!

One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can't have one!"

The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny's mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnny promptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted "Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can't have one".

The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said " I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!" In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said "mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!

Stick It Out

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up.

Restroom Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Mounted Police

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when Little Johnny, on his new shiny bike, stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," Little Johnny said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."

To which Little Johnny replied, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yea, He sure did," said the cop.

Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, "Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!" and peddled off down the road.

Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"

I Like The Way You Think

Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."

The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.

Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher teacher, I know, it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."

Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's loooong. It's soft, but it's haaaard."

The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said, "But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!"

Example Of A Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…

Double Barrel

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm proud of it." The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,"you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Horsey Ride

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"

Stuttering Cat

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!"

Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Mommy, Is God Black or White?

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.

"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

Abe the Lover

Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He's wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard.

The bartender sets John's drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?"

"Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep.

"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago!"

And God Created Man

And God created woman.
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And it was good.

And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob...

And God created man.

Bear It From Behind

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?"

Best Prostitute

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints… twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman

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Boy Without Eyelids

Did you hear about the boy who was born without eyelids?

The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him.

Amazing isn't it.

He's doing quite well actually, other than being alittle cockeyed.

Bragging Rights

I know a guy who swears that:

His Dick is so big, it has its own dick, and even his dick's dick is bigger than yours.

His Dick is so big, he can wear it as a tie, but he's too afraid of getting a hard-on and choking himself.

His Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.

His Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'his dick'!

Top 10 Reasons Why Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Computer Terms

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

30 Things You Never to a naked man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Female to Male Translation

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Flea Joke

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Free Drinks

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.

The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar.

Gas Grill

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Random facts

Random facts are great conversation starters. They can excite you, enlighten you, tickle your funny bone and amuse you as well. Trust random facts to bring a happy and positive expression on your face. There are countless numbers of random facts and knowing them will take a long time. Random facts can make us aware of some hidden gems. They will allow us a glimpse of some of most fascinating subjects.

Some interesting random facts !

- Leonardo da Vinci is supposed to have invented scissors.

- A camel is supposed to last longer without water but Rat can last even longer without it.

- Those who love ice-cream should know that Eskimo Pie is the first chocolate-covered ice cream bar and it was invented in Onawa, Iowa, USA in 1921.

- The world’s smallest island country is Nauru.

- The largest producer of gold is South Africa.

- The largest bell in the world is the Emperor Bell in Moscow, Russia. It is 20 ft or1 m tall.

- Do you know what is the name given to that little dot over “i”? It’s known as “tittle”.

- There are only few words in dictionary that don’t rhyme with any other words. These are orange, silver and purple.

- Mount Rushmore is perhaps the most impressive rock formation carved by men. It was made by Gutzon Borglum and took just 14 years to carve it.

- The famous Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

- Like retina and finger print, every individual also has a unique tongue print.

- There are no less than 717 native languages in a small country known as Papua New Guinea.

- This must be exciting for hummingbirds as they can fly backward as well.

- ENIAC was the name of world’s first electronic computer. It was produced in 1946 and its size was humungous.

- Every Year a staggering number of 50 millions bicycles are produced.

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........

The average lead pencil can draw a line that is almost 35 miles long or you can write almost 50,000 words in English .....

It is really bad to a smoke cigarette..

The Taj Mahal is one of the wonders of the world.

Chocolate kills dogs! . A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The world's tallest woman is Sandy Allen. She is 2.35m (7 ft. 7 in.).

Socrates became famous for asking questions about almost everything !!

The mother of all European languages is Sanskrit, which is considered the most suitable language for computer software - Amazing India facts

The earliest maps were made by the Babylonians about 2300 B.C.

Cell Phone Etiquette - It is considered rude to talk aloud while on the cell-phone

The greenhouse effect causes trouble by raising the temperature of the planet.

Did you know......... some interesting facts

A zebra is white with black stripes.

All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.

India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.

Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias !!

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( We know you gonna try this !!! )

A snail can sleep for 3 years. ( wow, lucky chap eh ? )

The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start

In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

Twenty-Four-Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Say no evil ).

55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn. hello, zzzzz zzzz ?

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

-A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

-A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.

-A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

-About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

-A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.

-A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet

-A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.

-A zebra is white with black stripes.

- Porpoises and dolphins communicate with each other by squeaking, growling, moaning, and whistling. Porpoises and dolphins are mammals. There are about 40 species or kinds of porpoises and dolphins. Most porpoises and dolphins navigate by using "echolocation". The largest member of the dolphinfamily is called an orca or killer whale.

- The hippopotamus gives birth under water and nurses its young in the river as well, though the young hippos do come up periodically for air.

-A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime

The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.

The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.

-- How the wind blows. As the sun warms the earth’s surface, the atmosphere warms too. Some parts of the earth receive direct rays from the sun all year and are always warm. Other places receive indirect rays, so the climate is colder. Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises. Then cool air moves in and replaces the rising warm air. This movement of air is what makes the wind blow.

- Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

--Why do we might feel warmer wearing a dark-colored jacket than a light-colored one? . Dark colors absorb light energy. Light colors and whitereflect light energy. When light shines on your dark jacket, the jacket fabric absorbs light energy. The absorbed light energy causes electrons in the atoms of the jacket to vibrate. This activity releases heat energy, which makes the jacket—and you—warmer. That's why we like to wear more dark colors in winter and more light colors in summer.

-While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.

-At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.

--A flute made of bone is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. It’s a flute carved from a bird’s wing bone more than 9,000 years ago. The flute was discovered with other flutes at an ancient burial site in China.

- The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of upto 41.7 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt 6,000 years ago

-- Glue dates back to prehistoric times. Artists once mixed colorings with raw eggs, dried blood, and plant juices to make sticky paints for cave murals. Later, ancient Egyptians and other people learned to make stronger glues by boiling animal bones and hides. Today companies make glues using synthetic substances.

-A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.

-A cat uses whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.

-A cat will clean itself with paw and tongue after a dangerous experience or when it has fought with another cat. This is an attempt by the animal to soothe its nerves by doing something natural and instinctive.

-The grizzly bear can run as fast as the average horse!!

- The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male simply prefers to rest. !!

- A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

- At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.

-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

-You blink over 10,000,000 times a year!

- Of all the words in the English language, the word ' set ' has the most definitions!

- The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!-

- Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!

- A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

-More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

- "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.

- No word in the English language rhymes with "month".

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.

- All polar bears are left handed.

-Ants don't sleep.

Hi Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Hung Like a Spud

Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."

Will gives him some advice by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"

Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.

They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."

After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

Husband 1.0

There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

If Women Had A Penis They Would…

1.Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

2.Get a blow job.

3.Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

4.Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

5.Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

6.Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

7.Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

8.Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

9.Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

10.And the best thing women would do if they woke up with a penis?

Leftover Gifts

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

If Only Men Would Listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

Male Bashing Q and A

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing.

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.