Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? A: Not enough cement. Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
More Lawyer Q and A
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they?re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can?t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers? word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they?re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she's a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can?t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers? word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Settlement
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.
"Father, listen," he rejoiced, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried the astonished father. "Why, you bleeping idiot! We've been living off of that money for years!"
"Father, listen," he rejoiced, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried the astonished father. "Why, you bleeping idiot! We've been living off of that money for years!"
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Space Photography
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Friday, September 02, 2011
Tell The Truth OJ
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, OJ, will you tell me the honest truth? Did you kill Ronald and Nicole?"
OJ: "Well, after hearing your amazing arguments in court all this time, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
OJ: "Well, after hearing your amazing arguments in court all this time, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Too Much to Drink
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket again, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket again, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
To the Grave
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Trip to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
Monday, August 29, 2011
What am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What Tracks?
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Whole Truth
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Friday, August 26, 2011
Who’s Cows?
After his graduation from college, the son of a French lawyer was contemplating his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately made it so.
The very first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in laborors clothing.
He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Pierre's Ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Pierre has passed away and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
The next client to come in, a young and sharp - dressed young man, who was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Pierre and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
" Don't worry about the cows! " the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
The very first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in laborors clothing.
He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Pierre's Ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Pierre has passed away and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
The next client to come in, a young and sharp - dressed young man, who was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Pierre and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
" Don't worry about the cows! " the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Who’s Nut?
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Who Won?
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "Nope, we won."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
You Might be a Lawyer If…
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Monday, August 22, 2011
A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Three Kick Rule
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Hell’s Not So Bad Anymore
An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Stop Or Slow Down?
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Friday, August 19, 2011
11th Time Is The Charm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well...
•"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
•Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
•Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
•Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
•Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
•Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
•Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
•Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
•Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
•Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "But... why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well...
•"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
•Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
•Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
•Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
•Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
•Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
•Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
•Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
•Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
•Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "But... why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Lawyer’s Contribution
A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Divorce Lawyer’s Judgement Day
A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The 'real' culprit behind church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..........
Now we know the 'real' culprit behind the church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
Now it make sense.
-----------------------------------
Umno denies it had anything to do with Jais check on church
By RAHIMY RAHIM
PETALING JAYA: Umno has denied PAS's accusation that it was involved in the controversial Selangor Islamic Religious Department's (Jais) check on the Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC) on Aug 3.
Its information chief Datuk Ahmad Maslan said Datuk Mustafa Ali must provide evidence to back his statement that Umno had a hand in trying to disunite the Pakatan Rakyat coalition and interfering in Jais investigation.
“These allegations made by him (Mustafa), especially during Ramadan, were uncalled for.
“He must provide evidence that Umno is involved in the Jais check after making such statements. Umno has never interfered in any part of Jais' decision making process,” he told The Star when contacted Tuesday.
Now we know the 'real' culprit behind the church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
Now it make sense.
-----------------------------------
Umno denies it had anything to do with Jais check on church
By RAHIMY RAHIM
PETALING JAYA: Umno has denied PAS's accusation that it was involved in the controversial Selangor Islamic Religious Department's (Jais) check on the Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC) on Aug 3.
Its information chief Datuk Ahmad Maslan said Datuk Mustafa Ali must provide evidence to back his statement that Umno had a hand in trying to disunite the Pakatan Rakyat coalition and interfering in Jais investigation.
“These allegations made by him (Mustafa), especially during Ramadan, were uncalled for.
“He must provide evidence that Umno is involved in the Jais check after making such statements. Umno has never interfered in any part of Jais' decision making process,” he told The Star when contacted Tuesday.
Code Of Ethics
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Monday, August 15, 2011
Bible School Cruise With A Laywer
There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest readies a lifeboat for their escape.
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyner says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyner says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A Witty Young Trial Lawyer
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Lawyers Are The Best Patients
Two new surgeons at the hospital were discussing the qualities of their favorite patients. "I like contractors myself" says one. "They don't even flinch when I tell them I underestimated the cost and length of surgery."
"Well, I had an electrician yesterday" another says. "It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!'
An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. "You fellas ain't seen nothing yet" he tells them "By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!"
"Well, I had an electrician yesterday" another says. "It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!'
An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. "You fellas ain't seen nothing yet" he tells them "By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!"
Friday, August 12, 2011
Short Lawyer Jokes
Where Do Lawyers Come From?
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? "Don't be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.
Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Divorce Lawyers After Work
Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out "I'd sure like to screw him!" To which the other replied "Out of what?"
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? "Don't be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.
Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Divorce Lawyers After Work
Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out "I'd sure like to screw him!" To which the other replied "Out of what?"
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Hell’s Not So Bad Anymore
An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
The Ambitious Young Judge’s Clerk
An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Fastest Mobility Scooter Ever
A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it's first drive on the street.
As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver's side window and asked "Nice car there Sonny, what is it?"
"Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!" exclaimed the cocky attorney. "And" he continued, "it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!"
"Wow," replied the old man, "mind if I take a look inside?" he asked. "Of course not," the lawyer said proudly.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, "That's a pretty fancy sportscar, all right... but I'll stick with my scooter!"
Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he's doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?" the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again... this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the lawyer. "How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react... Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it's the old man on the mobility scooter!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and moans, finally he replies... "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver's side window and asked "Nice car there Sonny, what is it?"
"Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!" exclaimed the cocky attorney. "And" he continued, "it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!"
"Wow," replied the old man, "mind if I take a look inside?" he asked. "Of course not," the lawyer said proudly.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, "That's a pretty fancy sportscar, all right... but I'll stick with my scooter!"
Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he's doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?" the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again... this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the lawyer. "How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react... Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it's the old man on the mobility scooter!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and moans, finally he replies... "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Q&A Lawyer Jokes
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Monday, August 08, 2011
What Do Your Parents Do For A Living?
An elementary school teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living. "Jeffrey, please be first," she said. "Tell the class, what does your mother do?" Jeffrey stood up and proudly boasted, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, "My dad's a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said her teacher. "What about your father, Jimmy?" Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!"
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy's house and knocked on the door. Jimmy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?"
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, "My dad's a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said her teacher. "What about your father, Jimmy?" Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!"
The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy's house and knocked on the door. Jimmy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.
Jimmy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?"
Sunday, August 07, 2011
An Honest Lawyer?
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Saturday, August 06, 2011
A Lawyer’s Deal With The Devil
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..."
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"
Friday, August 05, 2011
Lawyers And Light Bulbs
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
A Marriage Made In Heaven
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Taking it With You
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
The Compassionate Lawyer
Driving through town in his BMW, a successful young lawyer spotted two man on the side of the road eating grass out of somebody's yard. Moved by how desperate the men had become, he pulls over to have a word with them,
"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.
"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.
"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."
After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.
"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!
"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"
"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.
"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.
"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."
After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.
"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!
"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"
Monday, August 01, 2011
Battery Acid
Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead." Little Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest replies, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby".
Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"
Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just fucking beautiful!
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just fucking beautiful!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Birds and Bees
Little Johnny's father came to him one day and said, "It's time we had a talk about the birds and the bees."
Little Johnny replied, "Oh no! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus then to tell me there's no Easter Bunny. If you're going to tell me there's no such thing as sex, I'll have nothing to live for!"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh no! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus then to tell me there's no Easter Bunny. If you're going to tell me there's no such thing as sex, I'll have nothing to live for!"
Friday, July 29, 2011
Bondage Magazine
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."
Thursday, July 28, 2011
RM14.5b gold yacht story is a hoax
July 27, 2011
KUALA LUMPUR, July 27 — Baia Yachts of Italy said yesterday that reports of the existence of a 100-foot bespoke yacht purportedly composed almost entirely of gold, platinum and diamonds are false.
The UK’s Daily Mail ran a story on June 20 claiming an anonymous Malaysian businessman had spent GBP3 billion (RM14.5 billion) on the construction of a superyacht called History Supreme out of 100 tonnes of precious metals — with a genuine T. rex dinosaur bone thrown in for good measure.
The Sun, on the other hand, said the yacht had been commissioned in Italy and completed in Malaysia two weeks ago.
In a report on its website, Motorboat & Yachting quoted Mario Borselli, a sales manager at Baia, as saying that the tabloids had taken pictures from their official website without permission.
He carried on to deride the story as “so stupid” that the company wasn’t considering pursuing any legal action.
“Who would believe that a boat would have 100 tonnes of gold on board?” Borselli was quoted by the website as saying.
Motorboat & Yachting also said extensive calls to Stuart Hughes, the Liverpool-based jeweller who claimed to have customised the vessel, have gone unanswered.
KUALA LUMPUR, July 27 — Baia Yachts of Italy said yesterday that reports of the existence of a 100-foot bespoke yacht purportedly composed almost entirely of gold, platinum and diamonds are false.
The UK’s Daily Mail ran a story on June 20 claiming an anonymous Malaysian businessman had spent GBP3 billion (RM14.5 billion) on the construction of a superyacht called History Supreme out of 100 tonnes of precious metals — with a genuine T. rex dinosaur bone thrown in for good measure.
The Sun, on the other hand, said the yacht had been commissioned in Italy and completed in Malaysia two weeks ago.
In a report on its website, Motorboat & Yachting quoted Mario Borselli, a sales manager at Baia, as saying that the tabloids had taken pictures from their official website without permission.
He carried on to deride the story as “so stupid” that the company wasn’t considering pursuing any legal action.
“Who would believe that a boat would have 100 tonnes of gold on board?” Borselli was quoted by the website as saying.
Motorboat & Yachting also said extensive calls to Stuart Hughes, the Liverpool-based jeweller who claimed to have customised the vessel, have gone unanswered.
Boys vs Girls
One day Little Johnny came home from school with a note pinned to his shirt.
The note read: Dear parent, apparently Little Johnny has been having some trouble with telling the difference between girls and boys. Please sit down with him and explain this. Signed, Little Johnny's teacher.
After reading the note Little Johnny's mom took him into her room and shut the door. "Okay Little Johnny," his mother said. "First take off my high heels. Then take off my panty hose. Then take off my dress. Now take off my bra and panties.
NOW NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL AGAIN!
The note read: Dear parent, apparently Little Johnny has been having some trouble with telling the difference between girls and boys. Please sit down with him and explain this. Signed, Little Johnny's teacher.
After reading the note Little Johnny's mom took him into her room and shut the door. "Okay Little Johnny," his mother said. "First take off my high heels. Then take off my panty hose. Then take off my dress. Now take off my bra and panties.
NOW NEVER WEAR MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL AGAIN!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Candy Bars
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Can I?
Little Johnny sees his grandfather smoking and asks if can he try. The old man says "can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" "No" says Johnny. "Then you can't have one" says his grandad.
Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he can't as he couldn't touch his ass with his dick yet. Later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,"Can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" Why of course I can replies the grandfather. Johnny quickly replied "THEN GO F**K YOURSELF!"
Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he can't as he couldn't touch his ass with his dick yet. Later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,"Can you touch your ass with your dick yet?" Why of course I can replies the grandfather. Johnny quickly replied "THEN GO F**K YOURSELF!"
Monday, July 25, 2011
Catholic School
Little Johnny was failing his classes so his mom decided to put him in a Catholic
school. About a month later when Little Johnny's mom recieved his report card he got all A's and B's.
Astonished, Little Johnny's mom asked him "How did you get all these good grades?" Little Johnny replied "Well, when I saw the man hanging from the cross I knew they meant business!"
school. About a month later when Little Johnny's mom recieved his report card he got all A's and B's.
Astonished, Little Johnny's mom asked him "How did you get all these good grades?" Little Johnny replied "Well, when I saw the man hanging from the cross I knew they meant business!"
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Christmas Morning
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Courting
Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took this question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..."
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..."
Friday, July 22, 2011
Ding Dong
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices our Little Johnny trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Little Johnny is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching Little Johnny's efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which Little Johnny replies, "Now we run!"
After watching Little Johnny's efforts for some time, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which Little Johnny replies, "Now we run!"
Who is the owner of the RM14.5 billion yacht?
Ha ha ha ha ha ..........
The businessman in Bolehland must be really rich. Or politician?????
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
You must be damn filty, filty rich to buy this yacht.
If you do not have RM100 or 200 billion, will you spend RM14.5 billion just on a yacht?
The richest man in Malaysia is worth US$ 14.5 billion or RM43.5 billion.
Will he spend about one third of his fortune on a yacht?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ......
You can see some of the photo of the yacht here, here and here
-------------------------------------
M’sian said to be owner of world’s most expensive luxury vessel – at RM14.5bil
PETALING JAYA: While newspapers in Britain were abuzz with reports that the owner of the world's most expensive luxury yacht is a Malaysian, no one can confirm it.
British daily The Sun reported that the 31m History Supreme is owned by a Malaysian businessman who paid 3bil (RM14.5bil) for it.
To put things in perspective, this figure is close to the estimated cost of the country's first mass rapid transit (MRT) system, which has a price tag of RM20bil.
Comparatively, the world's biggest private yacht, the 164m Eclipse owned by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich costs only RM3.65bil.
The Sun also reported that the History Supreme is made out of 100 tonnes of gold and platinum, which cover more than half its surface, and the base of the vessel is wrapped in gold.
The daily said the yacht's features, including the deck, dining area, rails and anchor, are all made from precious metals.
Below deck, things become even more exotic, featuring meteoric stone and a T-Rex dinosaur bone in the sleeping quarters.
The boat was built in Italy but was completed in Malaysia two weeks ago.
According to the newspaper, the businessman had approached Liverpool jeweller Stuart Hughes for this unique project.
The businessman had even asked Hughes if he could customise an aeroplane.
Hughes, who is famous for creating exclusive, gold-plated and jewel-encrusted luxury items ranging from mobile phones to aquariums, took three years to build the yacht.
“It was pretty much a case of can you make this gold, can you make that gold? We just did what we were told and are delighted with the results,” Hughes was quoted as saying.
The yacht is believed to be based on Italian yacht-maker Baia's latest One Hundred model, which costs at least RM30mil.
The businessman in Bolehland must be really rich. Or politician?????
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
You must be damn filty, filty rich to buy this yacht.
If you do not have RM100 or 200 billion, will you spend RM14.5 billion just on a yacht?
The richest man in Malaysia is worth US$ 14.5 billion or RM43.5 billion.
Will he spend about one third of his fortune on a yacht?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ......
You can see some of the photo of the yacht here, here and here
-------------------------------------
M’sian said to be owner of world’s most expensive luxury vessel – at RM14.5bil
PETALING JAYA: While newspapers in Britain were abuzz with reports that the owner of the world's most expensive luxury yacht is a Malaysian, no one can confirm it.
British daily The Sun reported that the 31m History Supreme is owned by a Malaysian businessman who paid 3bil (RM14.5bil) for it.
To put things in perspective, this figure is close to the estimated cost of the country's first mass rapid transit (MRT) system, which has a price tag of RM20bil.
Comparatively, the world's biggest private yacht, the 164m Eclipse owned by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich costs only RM3.65bil.
The Sun also reported that the History Supreme is made out of 100 tonnes of gold and platinum, which cover more than half its surface, and the base of the vessel is wrapped in gold.
The daily said the yacht's features, including the deck, dining area, rails and anchor, are all made from precious metals.
Below deck, things become even more exotic, featuring meteoric stone and a T-Rex dinosaur bone in the sleeping quarters.
The boat was built in Italy but was completed in Malaysia two weeks ago.
According to the newspaper, the businessman had approached Liverpool jeweller Stuart Hughes for this unique project.
The businessman had even asked Hughes if he could customise an aeroplane.
Hughes, who is famous for creating exclusive, gold-plated and jewel-encrusted luxury items ranging from mobile phones to aquariums, took three years to build the yacht.
“It was pretty much a case of can you make this gold, can you make that gold? We just did what we were told and are delighted with the results,” Hughes was quoted as saying.
The yacht is believed to be based on Italian yacht-maker Baia's latest One Hundred model, which costs at least RM30mil.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Facial Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Famous Quotes
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fascinate
A teacher asked her students to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence.
Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Sarita raised her hand.
She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.
That's good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!
Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Sarita raised her hand.
She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.
That's good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Fun Game
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Face of an genius???
-----------------------------------
Survey to find out whether protesters were paid
Jul 16, 11 6:53pm
Information, Communication and Culture Ministry is conducting a survey to find out the motive of people who took part in the illegal rally on July 9.
The minister, Rais Yatim, said today the survey by the information and special affairs departments would also ask them about the money paid to them to attend the rally.
He said the ministry hoped to get about 2,000 samples, from which a pattern might be detected.
"This is because we do not want to lose in terms of our struggle and the 1Malaysian concept is really something which every individual must value and accept because it has the noble intention of uniting the people," he told reporters after attending a programme to popularise culture among the people organised by the Ampang Jaya Residents Association.
Also present were his wife, Masnah Rais, and Ampang Umno division head Ismail Kijo.
Rais said the survey was important because the Malays were attracted to political issues and could be persuaded to take part in roadside politics without knowing what was involved or why they were participating.
"For example, on July 9 so many of those who were involved did not know why they were in Kuala Lumpur... they said they were given a little bit of remuneration.
“When asked why they came, they said 'there were many friends so we came along, we got some payment, so we took part'," he said.
Rally undermines 1Malaysia
Earlier in his speech, Rais said the illegal gathering was inspired by people who did not want to see the success of the 1Malaysia society which they considered a threat to their politics.
Rais said that as someone with a long history of struggle in politics, he did want to see Malays fighting one another while others clapped their hands.
The one-day programme involving various races included an aerobic exercise, a friendly run, group sport contests and health check-ups.
- Bernama
Gambler
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Gift for the Teacher
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
Friday, July 15, 2011
Goldfish
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin cat."
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin cat."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Good Tipper
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Little Johnny delivered his pizza.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great." "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars." "Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hiking
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Monday, July 11, 2011
Needs
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man! "Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
New Teacher
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Saturday, July 09, 2011
New Trainset
Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for hours at a time while she did things around the house without him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say "All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on."
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. "Young man", she said "march up to your room and think about what I've told you about that kind of language."
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he proceedes to say "All those who want to get off, get the fuck off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say "All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on."
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. "Young man", she said "march up to your room and think about what I've told you about that kind of language."
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he proceedes to say "All those who want to get off, get the fuck off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
Friday, July 08, 2011
New Watch
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then."
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then."
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Nice Bycycle
A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.
"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yes," replied the little boy.
"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."
The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:
"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"
The policeman laughed, and said:
"Yes."
"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."
"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"
"Yes," replied the little boy.
"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."
The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:
"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"
The policeman laughed, and said:
"Yes."
"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Nice Catch
Johnny and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch. Johnny gets up and goes to the shed in the back yard and takes out some chicken wire. Grandpa says what are you going to do with that? Johnny says, gonna catch me some chickens. It dont work like that grandpa says. Just watch me replies Johnny.
An hour later Johnny returns with two chickens one in each hand. Holy shit thought grandpa, Johnny went back to the shed. This time he has some duck tape. Again granpa asks, What are going to do with that. Johnny says; gonna catch me some ducks. It dont work like that grandpa says. Watch me said Johnny.
An hour later here came Johnny with two ducks one in each hand. Holy shit grandpa thought again. Johnny went back to the shed, this time he had a stick. Grandpa asks whatcha gonna do with that? Johnny says some pussywillow. Grandpa says, let me go get my coat!
An hour later Johnny returns with two chickens one in each hand. Holy shit thought grandpa, Johnny went back to the shed. This time he has some duck tape. Again granpa asks, What are going to do with that. Johnny says; gonna catch me some ducks. It dont work like that grandpa says. Watch me said Johnny.
An hour later here came Johnny with two ducks one in each hand. Holy shit grandpa thought again. Johnny went back to the shed, this time he had a stick. Grandpa asks whatcha gonna do with that? Johnny says some pussywillow. Grandpa says, let me go get my coat!
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Parent’s Bedroom
Little Johnny wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's room.
Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!
Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!
Monday, July 04, 2011
Passed Away
Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw her cat Snuggles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Snuggles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Snuggles is dead, Johnny."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny as he fought back tears.
At a loss for words the father replied, "Snuggles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Snuggles right up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed to take his Snuggles' death quite well upon hearing what his father said. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Johnny had tears in his eyes once more and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook his son and shouted, "How do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Johnny, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny as he fought back tears.
At a loss for words the father replied, "Snuggles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Snuggles right up to heaven."
Little Johnny seemed to take his Snuggles' death quite well upon hearing what his father said. However, two days later when his father came home from work, Johnny had tears in his eyes once more and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook his son and shouted, "How do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Johnny, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Yahoo paying out USD$2 million as prize money?
Ha ha ha ha ..........
This is obviously a con job.
Yahoo Mail Inc using other company's email?
Is this possible?
Ha ha ha ha .........
-------------------------------
| hide details 7:21 PM (12 hours ago) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Sunday, July 03, 2011
Play Soldiers
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip.
Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs," says his mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."
Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs," says his mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Report Card
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Friday, July 01, 2011
BBC is paying me 18 million pound
Ha ha ha ha ha ..........
I will be a millionaire soon.
See the email below, BBC is paying me 18 million pound.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ......
----------------------------------------------------
| hide details 10:54 AM (7 hours ago) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Dear Winner,
We want to inform you that your funds of £18,000,000.00 (Eighteen Million Pounds sterling) have been release to you through the BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK on our 2011 charity bonanza.The BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK wishes to congratulate you over the success of your email address.
To receive your winnings of £18,000,000.00 within the next 24hrs, We want you to re-confirm your information below so that we can be able to release your funds to you.You are advice to provide with your following information as stated below :
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Phone And Fax#:
Age:
occupation:
Country
NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT PAY ANY CHARGES TO RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS.Your funds are protected by hard cover insurance policy until it is remitted to your account in your country.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. You will contact through our email address:(bbcfinancedep@yahoo.cn) to collect your funds as soon as possible.
We need your urgent reply to collect your funds today.
Yours faithfully,
Dr Helen Cole
MANAGING DIRECTOR
BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT
UNITED KINGDOM
0845 838 1815 (UK Local Rate)
+44 7024084948(From Outside UK)
We want to inform you that your funds of £18,000,000.00 (Eighteen Million Pounds sterling) have been release to you through the BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK on our 2011 charity bonanza.The BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT UK wishes to congratulate you over the success of your email address.
To receive your winnings of £18,000,000.00 within the next 24hrs, We want you to re-confirm your information below so that we can be able to release your funds to you.You are advice to provide with your following information as stated below :
Full Name:
Contact Address:
Phone And Fax#:
Age:
occupation:
Country
NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT PAY ANY CHARGES TO RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS.Your funds are protected by hard cover insurance policy until it is remitted to your account in your country.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. You will contact through our email address:(bbcfinancedep@yahoo.
We need your urgent reply to collect your funds today.
Yours faithfully,
Dr Helen Cole
MANAGING DIRECTOR
BBC FINANCE DEPARTMENT
UNITED KINGDOM
0845 838 1815 (UK Local Rate)
+44 7024084948(From Outside UK)
Sandwiches
There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his brother, Little Johnny, who is 9. They have bunk-beds and the older brother is on top...so one night the big brother comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun....he says to her.."My lil brother is asleep, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position."
So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the Little Johnny wakes up and says "would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face."
So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the Little Johnny wakes up and says "would you two quit making sandwhiches up there, your getting mayonaise all over my face."
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