"We succeed only as we identify in life, or in war, or in anything else, a single overriding objective, and make all other considerations bend to that one objective." General Dwight David Eisenhower

"Hell, there are no rules here ? we're trying to accomplish something." Thomas Alva Edison

"Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can."
Henry Drummond

"We achieve everything by our efforts alone. Our fate is not decided by an almighty God. We decide our own fate by our actions. You have to gain mastery over yourself. . . . It is not a matter of sitting back and accepting." Daw Aung San Suu Kyi

"This became a credo of mine . . . attempt the impossible in order to improve your work."
Bette Davis

"Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." Frank Clark

"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." William Jennings Bryan

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings." William Blake

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances." Bruce Barton

"To reach a great height a person needs to have great depth." Anonymous

"To go beyond is as bad as to fall short." Anonymous

Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.
Zig Ziglar

"The man who wakes up and finds himself famous hasn't been asleep." Anonymous

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce." Anonymous

Money will buy you a bed, but not a good night's sleep, a house but not a home, a companion but not a friend.
Zig Ziglar

"Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk." Anonymous

"If you don?t climb the mountain, you can?t view the plain." Anonymous

"God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I will never die! " Anonymous

"Encouraged people achieve the best; dominated people achieve second best; neglected people achieve the least."
Anonymous

"The only worthwhile achievements of man are those which are socially useful." Alfred Adler

"Young people tell what they are doing, old people what they have done and fools
what they wish to do." French

"I love America. We've got the only system that works - it keeps everyone hustling." J.R. Simplot

Everybody says they want to be free. Take the train off the tracks and it's free-but it can't go anywhere.
Zig Ziglar

"Never mistake activity for achievement. " John Wooden

"Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction. "
Brian Tracy

"The average estimate themselves by what they do, the above average by what they are." Johann Friedrich Von Schiller

"The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential? these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence." Eddie Robinson

"Nothing is as difficulty as to achieve results in this world if one is filled full of great tolerances and the milk of human kindness. The person who achieves must generally be a one-idea individual, concentrated entirely on that one idea, and ruthless in his aspect toward other men and other ideas." Corinne Roosevelt Robinson

All of us perform better and more willingly when we know why we're doing what we have been told or asked to do.

Zig Ziglar

"The truth of the matter is that there's nothing you can't accomplish if: (1) You clearly decide what it is that you're absolutely committed to achieving, (2) You're willing to take massive action, (3) You notice what's working or not, and (4) You continue to change your approach until you achieve what you want, using whatever life gives you along the way." Anthony Robbins

"The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune." Plutarch

"I am always doing things I can't do, that's how I get to do them." Pablo Picasso

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement." Foster C. Mcclellan

"Never mistake activity for achievement. " John Wooden

"Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the high road to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction. "
Brian Tracy

"Man is always more than he can know of himself; consequently, his accomplishments, time and again, will come as a surprise to him." Golo Mann

"High achievement always takes place in a framework of high expectation." Jack Kinder

"A man may fulfill the object of his existence by asking a questions he cannot answer, and attempting a task he cannot achieve." Oliver Wendell HolmesThe best way to make your spouse and children feel secure is not with big deposits in bank account, but with little deposits of thoughtfulness and affection in the"love account."

The best way to make your spouse and children feel secure is not with big deposits in bank account, but with little deposits of thoughtfulness and affection in the"love account."

"The best job goes to the person who can get it done without passing the buck or coming back with excuses."

Napoleon Hill

He surely has a bigger one......

Ha ha ha ha ...... Surely dare not showlah. His is definitely 'bigger' than Anwar's. Not only Anwar will faint. Everybody including Mamathir, Najis or Daim will also be jealous of the big 'size' of his. Ha ha ha ha ha ha .....

 

-------------------------------------------

Muhyiddin: I won't show Anwar my accounts

Leven Woon 5:12PM Jun 14, 2012

Deputy Prime Minister Muhyiddin Yassin has snubbed a challenge posed by opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim to disclose all his bank accounts for public scrutiny, saying that he has nothing to do with the issue.

Responding to Anwar’s call last week for him to disclose his accounts, and then Anwar would follow suit, Muhyiddin said he was not the character who is accused of amassing RM3 billion cash, assets and funds in his accounts and thus should not be subjected to such a challenge.

He said he was merely commenting on the issue when a reporter asked him.

“(Anwar) is being accused, not me. It has nothing to do with me, why should I disclose my accounts?” he said at a press conference in Sungai Besi today.
"I don't have that kind of money," he added.

Meanwhile, he downplayed PKR's assertion that the opposition will be able to win 110 seats based on a survey recently.

"Maybe they are conducting a psychological war, so that people will feel like they are supporting the winning side.

"They declare to the public that they can win, in order to garner support," he said.

Muhyiddin added that BN understands its strengths and weaknesses and will not be frightened by such surveys.

"They can have their survey, we can also have ours," he said.

"My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others. That is nice but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success."

Helen Hayes

"If life were measured by accomplishments, most of us would die in infancy."

A. P. Gouthey

You've got to be before you can do, and do before you can have.

Zig Ziglar

"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

Jonas Salk

"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together."

Vincent Van Gogh

"The only way around is through."

Robert Frost

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Mere longevity is a good things for those who watch Life from the side lines. For those who play the game, an hour may be a year, a single day's work an achievement for eternity."

Gabriel Heatter

If you're insincere, it's manipulative.

Zig Ziglar

"Death comes to all. But great achievements build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold."
George Fabricius

"We will either find a way, or make one."

Hannibal

"Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that."

Sir James M. Barrie

"It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude."

Zig Ziglar

"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that."

Norman Vincent Peale

"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that."
Norman Vincent Peale

"The first requisite of success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem without growing weary."
-- Thomas Edison

Remember, you can earn more money, but when time is spent is gone forever.
Zig Ziglar

"Success is not measured by what you accomplish but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."
Orison Swett Marden

"We live in deeds, not years: In thoughts not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best."
David Bailey

HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

"The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." Epictetus

"Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished." Confucius

Sex Law

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

"A non-doer is very often a critic-that is, someone who sits back and watches doers, and then waxes philosophically about how the doers are doing. It's easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk, and change." Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

Duty makes us do things well, but love makes us do them beautifully.
Zig Ziglar

Contraceptives are absolutely useless

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Ray Jackson

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
-- Chinese proverb

I want to be a petty trader when I grow up.

Sekinchan man: I'm still a Jalan TAR trader

Zulaikha Zulkifli 12:46PM May 23, 2012

Sekinchan Ikan Bakar Restaurant chain owner Jamal Md Yunus, who is also a luxury car dealer and is organising the protest in front of Bersih co-chairperson Ambiga Sreenevasan's house tomorrow and on Friday, insists that he remains a petty trader.

Jamal, who is president of the Kuala Lumpur Petty Traders Council (MBPKL), said he still holds a licence for a stall on Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman (TAR) in Kuala Lumpur.

"I was a petty trader, operating on the sidewalk 25 years ago. My trading licence for the Jalan TAR night market is valid to this day... and I have been maintaining the licence," Jamal said.

Pressed again if he truly was operating a stall at Jalan TAR, where most of the action during the April 28 Bersih 3.0 rally for electoral reform took place, Jamal said he owns many different businesses.

"This is the same for my friends. All of them are entrepreneurs. We can't just have one business," he said.

At a press conference yesterday, Jamal said he believes petty traders can grow with the right support, but rallies like the ones by Bersih hindered their development.

"Like me. I am selling cars, and so on, but I still couldn't do business during the first, second and third Bersih rallies," he said.

Jamal was responding to queries on why he was leading the protest involving 60 petty traders, who intend to open stalls in front of Ambiga's house to protest alleged losses incurred due to the April 28 Bersih 3.0 rally.

His critics say Jamal is no petty trader, for he owns a large restaurant chain and holds a permit to import luxury cars.

'Do set up shop in front of my restaurant'
His critics also claimed that Jamal had 'guaranteed' returns to the petty traders who intended to set up shop in front of Ambiga's house tomorrow and on Friday.

Some have also threatened to boycott his businesses and to set up stalls in front of his restaurants in retaliation.

One Facebook page has posted photos of Jamal with Ferrari cars and proposes to open 'car dealerships' in front of the Sekincan Ikan Bakar chain restaurants in protest.

"It's up to them, but just don't block the road. If they want to do so, go ahead, but be prepared to face the consequences later...

"Actually, it's good if they do so. Do come, but don't enter the restaurants. Just set up shop outside," Jamal said in response.

He rejected claims that Umno was backing the anti-Bersih protest and insisted that he and the petty traders were doing this purely because they sustained losses during the Bersih rally.

"We are traders, neither the government nor any politician is behind us. This man here is a businessman, I am a businessman. Our businesses were affected by the illegal rally.

"We were silent before but we can no longer keep our silence. Or else, there will be yet another Bersih rally," Jamal added.

Sex nap

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. 

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

"Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

Birthday gift

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

"It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude."
Zig Ziglar

"The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore."
-Dale Carnegie

Wisdom

A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
 When you reach that age, you know what you want, what you can do... it is Wisdom.  



Five simple rules to be happy.

1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Demand less, expect miracles in life      

 

A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."

Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

50th Birthday Jokes

Just in case you've gotten so old you don't know if you've turned 50 years old yet, here are a few hints that you just might be over that hill... jokes if you will. And before you laugh, remember: we'll all get old eventually.

Top 10 Signs You're Over The Hill
1.When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2.Your back goes out more than you do.
3.Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and aren't breaking any laws.
4.You wear black socks with sandals.
5.When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6.It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7.Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9.Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10.You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Famous Quotes About Getting Old
•I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
•At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
•Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
•When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
•A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman

Poem By Leo Rosenberg
First you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

50 Bucks

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Bar Names

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Fight Like a Man

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!"

Gay Bar Blues

A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me eight double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had a hell of a day." "Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy comes into the bar and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another eight double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

The Bar Bet

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. "Your on!", he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

The Donkey

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".

"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

Big 10 Incher

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Birthday Wife

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

Devil's Match

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

Fake Eye

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here - you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

Good Reason

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Strongest Man

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Three Little Pigs

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

Drunk Thief

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Eileen Who?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

Blonde Puppies

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how she knew. She replied, "well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!"

Win $10,000

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000 - ask the bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender tells him "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says "If you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...

The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...

Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW! - knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?"

Three Racehorses

Three Racehorses
Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.

The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."

"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!"

The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!"

Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"

The horses look down and see a greyhound.

"I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"

The horses look at the dog in amazement.

One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

Lesbians

A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "I don't care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink."

The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads. Twenty minutes later, the man approaches the ladies and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."