Watch Your Thoughts; They Become Words Watch Your Words;
They Become Your Actions Watch Your Actions;
They Become Your Habits Watch Your Habits;
They Become Your Character Watch Your Character; It Becomes Your Destiny
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Do You Know Someone Like That...........?
Do You Know Someone Like That...........?
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house..To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung asign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
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*One day I was walking down the beach withsome friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked theestate agent which direction was north becausehe didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'My brother explained that the sun rises in the eastand has for sometime. She shook her head and said,'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,when we overheard an admin girl talking about thesunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.She drove down in a convertible, but saidshe 'didn't think she'd get sunburnedbecause the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her carwhich is designed to cut through a seat beltif she gets trapped.. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a womanwith a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must ripout every time she turns her head!"I had to explain that a person's nose and earremain the same distance apart nomatter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.The woman there smiled and told me not to worrybecause she was a trained professional andsaid I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,'Has your plane arrived yet?'....(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a manordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone andthe cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some timethen said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungryenough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house..To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung asign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach withsome friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked theestate agent which direction was north becausehe didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'My brother explained that the sun rises in the eastand has for sometime. She shook her head and said,'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,when we overheard an admin girl talking about thesunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.She drove down in a convertible, but saidshe 'didn't think she'd get sunburnedbecause the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her carwhich is designed to cut through a seat beltif she gets trapped.. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a womanwith a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must ripout every time she turns her head!"I had to explain that a person's nose and earremain the same distance apart nomatter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.The woman there smiled and told me not to worrybecause she was a trained professional andsaid I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,'Has your plane arrived yet?'....(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a manordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone andthe cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some timethen said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungryenough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Push
Push
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes
To the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes
To the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
Friday, June 25, 2010
When a woman lies
When a woman lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Ladies of a certain age!
Ladies of a certain age!
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't fuckin' recognize you."
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't fuckin' recognize you."
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Top 3 SMS of the Year
Top 3 SMS of the Year
BEST SMS OF THE YEAR:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
Second Best:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Third Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens
BEST SMS OF THE YEAR:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
Second Best:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Third Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens
Honesty
Honesty
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
THE JEWISH MISTRESS
THE JEWISH MISTRESS
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
What an after-life!
What an after-life!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, " Marion ..... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then must have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf Course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and, then the next day, it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, " Marion ..... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then must have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf Course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and, then the next day, it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..."
Jokes - Adults only
Jokes - Adults only
Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer:Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!
Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife? For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.
Love is a complicated piece of machinery. Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
What's the difference between biology and sociology? When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".
Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer:Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!
Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife? For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.
Love is a complicated piece of machinery. Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
What's the difference between biology and sociology? When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".
Monday, June 21, 2010
Cooool!
Cooool!
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru. We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi . Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?
12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.. Think about it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!
9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!
10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru. We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi . Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?
12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!
Catholic Coffee
Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well.....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Don't l i e to k i ds
Don't l i e to k i ds
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
THE DEAD DUCK
THE DEAD DUCK
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure.
The duck is dead,' he replied. 'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure.
The duck is dead,' he replied. 'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150.
the hammer
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom cried out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom cried out again, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom cried out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom cried out again, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.
But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.
Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Thursday, June 17, 2010
This one made me laugh
This one made me laugh
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight.
Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very profes sional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.
'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight.
Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very profes sional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.
'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Always remember not to call names in front of kids……..
Always remember not to call names in front of kids…….. The teacher gave each child a sweet at school ...
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Wedding Ring
The Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
Jokes
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
prayers
Man kneeling by Bed.
Wife says, "What are you praying for?"
Husband says, "Guidance"
Wife says, "Rather pray for STIFFNESS, I'll guide the f**king thing myself!"
Wife says, "What are you praying for?"
Husband says, "Guidance"
Wife says, "Rather pray for STIFFNESS, I'll guide the f**king thing myself!"
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