BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman

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Boy Without Eyelids

Did you hear about the boy who was born without eyelids?

The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him.

Amazing isn't it.

He's doing quite well actually, other than being alittle cockeyed.

Bragging Rights

I know a guy who swears that:

His Dick is so big, it has its own dick, and even his dick's dick is bigger than yours.

His Dick is so big, he can wear it as a tie, but he's too afraid of getting a hard-on and choking himself.

His Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.

His Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'his dick'!

Top 10 Reasons Why Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Computer Terms

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

30 Things You Never to a naked man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Female to Male Translation

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Flea Joke

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Free Drinks

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.

"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."

The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.

They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.

The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar.

Gas Grill

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

Random facts

Random facts are great conversation starters. They can excite you, enlighten you, tickle your funny bone and amuse you as well. Trust random facts to bring a happy and positive expression on your face. There are countless numbers of random facts and knowing them will take a long time. Random facts can make us aware of some hidden gems. They will allow us a glimpse of some of most fascinating subjects.

Some interesting random facts !

- Leonardo da Vinci is supposed to have invented scissors.

- A camel is supposed to last longer without water but Rat can last even longer without it.

- Those who love ice-cream should know that Eskimo Pie is the first chocolate-covered ice cream bar and it was invented in Onawa, Iowa, USA in 1921.

- The world’s smallest island country is Nauru.

- The largest producer of gold is South Africa.

- The largest bell in the world is the Emperor Bell in Moscow, Russia. It is 20 ft or1 m tall.

- Do you know what is the name given to that little dot over “i”? It’s known as “tittle”.

- There are only few words in dictionary that don’t rhyme with any other words. These are orange, silver and purple.

- Mount Rushmore is perhaps the most impressive rock formation carved by men. It was made by Gutzon Borglum and took just 14 years to carve it.

- The famous Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

- Like retina and finger print, every individual also has a unique tongue print.

- There are no less than 717 native languages in a small country known as Papua New Guinea.

- This must be exciting for hummingbirds as they can fly backward as well.

- ENIAC was the name of world’s first electronic computer. It was produced in 1946 and its size was humungous.

- Every Year a staggering number of 50 millions bicycles are produced.

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........

The average lead pencil can draw a line that is almost 35 miles long or you can write almost 50,000 words in English .....

It is really bad to a smoke cigarette..

The Taj Mahal is one of the wonders of the world.

Chocolate kills dogs! . A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The world's tallest woman is Sandy Allen. She is 2.35m (7 ft. 7 in.).

Socrates became famous for asking questions about almost everything !!

The mother of all European languages is Sanskrit, which is considered the most suitable language for computer software - Amazing India facts

The earliest maps were made by the Babylonians about 2300 B.C.

Cell Phone Etiquette - It is considered rude to talk aloud while on the cell-phone

The greenhouse effect causes trouble by raising the temperature of the planet.

Did you know......... some interesting facts

A zebra is white with black stripes.

All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.

India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.

Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias !!

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( We know you gonna try this !!! )

A snail can sleep for 3 years. ( wow, lucky chap eh ? )

The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start

In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

Twenty-Four-Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Say no evil ).

55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn. hello, zzzzz zzzz ?

MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

-A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

-A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.

-A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.

-About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.

-A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.

-A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet

-A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.

-A zebra is white with black stripes.

- Porpoises and dolphins communicate with each other by squeaking, growling, moaning, and whistling. Porpoises and dolphins are mammals. There are about 40 species or kinds of porpoises and dolphins. Most porpoises and dolphins navigate by using "echolocation". The largest member of the dolphinfamily is called an orca or killer whale.

- The hippopotamus gives birth under water and nurses its young in the river as well, though the young hippos do come up periodically for air.

-A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime

The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.

The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.

-- How the wind blows. As the sun warms the earth’s surface, the atmosphere warms too. Some parts of the earth receive direct rays from the sun all year and are always warm. Other places receive indirect rays, so the climate is colder. Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises. Then cool air moves in and replaces the rising warm air. This movement of air is what makes the wind blow.

- Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

--Why do we might feel warmer wearing a dark-colored jacket than a light-colored one? . Dark colors absorb light energy. Light colors and whitereflect light energy. When light shines on your dark jacket, the jacket fabric absorbs light energy. The absorbed light energy causes electrons in the atoms of the jacket to vibrate. This activity releases heat energy, which makes the jacket—and you—warmer. That's why we like to wear more dark colors in winter and more light colors in summer.

-While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.

-At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.

--A flute made of bone is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. It’s a flute carved from a bird’s wing bone more than 9,000 years ago. The flute was discovered with other flutes at an ancient burial site in China.

- The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of upto 41.7 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt 6,000 years ago

-- Glue dates back to prehistoric times. Artists once mixed colorings with raw eggs, dried blood, and plant juices to make sticky paints for cave murals. Later, ancient Egyptians and other people learned to make stronger glues by boiling animal bones and hides. Today companies make glues using synthetic substances.

-A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.

-A cat uses whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.

-A cat will clean itself with paw and tongue after a dangerous experience or when it has fought with another cat. This is an attempt by the animal to soothe its nerves by doing something natural and instinctive.

-The grizzly bear can run as fast as the average horse!!

- The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male simply prefers to rest. !!

- A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

- At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.

-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

-You blink over 10,000,000 times a year!

- Of all the words in the English language, the word ' set ' has the most definitions!

- The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!-

- Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!

- A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

-More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

- "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.

- No word in the English language rhymes with "month".

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.

- All polar bears are left handed.

-Ants don't sleep.

Hi Dave

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Hung Like a Spud

Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."

Will gives him some advice by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"

Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.

They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."

After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."

Husband 1.0

There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...

For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

If Women Had A Penis They Would…

1.Get ahead faster in the corporate world.

2.Get a blow job.

3.Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

4.Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

5.Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

6.Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

7.Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

8.Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

9.Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

10.And the best thing women would do if they woke up with a penis?

Leftover Gifts

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

If Only Men Would Listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.