As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Trip to Mars
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
Monday, August 29, 2011
What am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What Tracks?
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Whole Truth
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Friday, August 26, 2011
Who’s Cows?
After his graduation from college, the son of a French lawyer was contemplating his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately made it so.
The very first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in laborors clothing.
He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Pierre's Ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Pierre has passed away and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
The next client to come in, a young and sharp - dressed young man, who was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Pierre and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
" Don't worry about the cows! " the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
The very first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in laborors clothing.
He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Pierre's Ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Pierre has passed away and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
The next client to come in, a young and sharp - dressed young man, who was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Pierre and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
" Don't worry about the cows! " the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Who’s Nut?
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Who Won?
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "Nope, we won."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
You Might be a Lawyer If…
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Monday, August 22, 2011
A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Three Kick Rule
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Hell’s Not So Bad Anymore
An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"
Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."
To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."
God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Stop Or Slow Down?
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Friday, August 19, 2011
11th Time Is The Charm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well...
•"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
•Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
•Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
•Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
•Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
•Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
•Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
•Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
•Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
•Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "But... why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Well...
•"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
•Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
•Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
•Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
•Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
•Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
•Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
•Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
•Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
•Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "But... why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Lawyer’s Contribution
A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Divorce Lawyer’s Judgement Day
A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The 'real' culprit behind church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..........
Now we know the 'real' culprit behind the church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
Now it make sense.
-----------------------------------
Umno denies it had anything to do with Jais check on church
By RAHIMY RAHIM
PETALING JAYA: Umno has denied PAS's accusation that it was involved in the controversial Selangor Islamic Religious Department's (Jais) check on the Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC) on Aug 3.
Its information chief Datuk Ahmad Maslan said Datuk Mustafa Ali must provide evidence to back his statement that Umno had a hand in trying to disunite the Pakatan Rakyat coalition and interfering in Jais investigation.
“These allegations made by him (Mustafa), especially during Ramadan, were uncalled for.
“He must provide evidence that Umno is involved in the Jais check after making such statements. Umno has never interfered in any part of Jais' decision making process,” he told The Star when contacted Tuesday.
Now we know the 'real' culprit behind the church raid?
Ha ha ha ha ha ......
Now it make sense.
-----------------------------------
Umno denies it had anything to do with Jais check on church
By RAHIMY RAHIM
PETALING JAYA: Umno has denied PAS's accusation that it was involved in the controversial Selangor Islamic Religious Department's (Jais) check on the Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC) on Aug 3.
Its information chief Datuk Ahmad Maslan said Datuk Mustafa Ali must provide evidence to back his statement that Umno had a hand in trying to disunite the Pakatan Rakyat coalition and interfering in Jais investigation.
“These allegations made by him (Mustafa), especially during Ramadan, were uncalled for.
“He must provide evidence that Umno is involved in the Jais check after making such statements. Umno has never interfered in any part of Jais' decision making process,” he told The Star when contacted Tuesday.
Code Of Ethics
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Monday, August 15, 2011
Bible School Cruise With A Laywer
There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest readies a lifeboat for their escape.
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyner says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyner says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
Sunday, August 14, 2011
A Witty Young Trial Lawyer
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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