Sex With Martians

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!"

"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Cock that touches the floor

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command."

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a cock that touches the floor."
Whereupon both his legs fell off.

Big Cock

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

Steiff Teddy Petsy, Cream- EAN:0235/28

STEIFF "ORIGINAL" Petsy 11" Jointed Teddy Bear Ivory Cream w/ Tags 0235/28 with a squeaker This bear was bought from Germany in the late 1980's. Has half the original tag from Germany on the leg This is a great size bear to carry for comfort plus it has a Squeaker in his belly This great looking Steiff Very soft fully jointed bear and it is in very good condition.

The harder you rub it, the bigger it gets

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Clock Cock

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

Steiff Piff Marmot Standing

EAN:

2070/25

Manufacture from First Year: 1987 Last Year: 1989

Material: Woven Fur

Inches: 9

Made in Germany.

 

Lay Off

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

Dr Policeman????

Wow...... The Police in BolehLand is really efficient. Can do a post mortem and conclude that a person died of heart attack that fast. Since when policemen are also doctors?  If that is the case why does BolehLand even need hospitals? Ha ha ha ha ....

===============================

Police deny beating man, say he died of heart attack

By Boo Su-Lyn

January 24, 2013

Sugumaran’s mother, K. Manimagalay (right), is comforted by a relative after viewing her youngest son’s body. — Picture by Choo Choy May

KAJANG, Jan 24 — The police have denied beating a security guard yesterday to death, pointing out that a post-mortem today revealed that he had died of a heart attack.
Three eyewitnesses alleged earlier today that four policemen had handcuffed and then assaulted 39-year-old C. Sugumaran together with a mob of more than 20 yesterday evening near the latter’s house at Batu 12, Hulu Langat.
“At about 6.30pm yesterday, the police station at Batu 14 Hulu Langat received a call from a Malay man saying that an Indian man was going amok and destroying public property,” Kajang OCPD ACP Abdul Rashid Abdul Wahab told a press conference at the Kajang district police headquarters here tonight.
He added that three policemen in a patrol car and a motorbike tailed Sugumaran, who was on foot, for about two kilometres from Dusun Sri Nanding to Taman Lagenda Suria in Hulu Langat as the latter waved an iron rod, destroying flower vases near houses and electrical wires, until he fell down in the middle of the road.
“The police, assisted by members of the public, held and handcuffed the man as he was still acting aggressively and trying to struggle during arrest,” said Abdul Rashid, stressing that the crowd did not assault Sugumaran.

Sugumaran’s neighbours who claim they saw four policemen and a mob of 20 to 30 people beating him up. From left: R. Moohanarajan, S. Sugunan, R. Vasandh. — Picture by Choo Choy May

He added that a police officer then went to get a Land Rover to bring Sugumaran, described as a big-sized man, to the police station.
“But upon return, the Indian man was unconscious. The police then contacted the hospital and a medical officer came and pronounced him dead,” said Abdul Rashid.
The policeman stressed that a post-mortem done by pathologist Dr Mohd Azaini Ibrahim from Serdang Hospital today from 3.30pm to 8.30pm revealed that Sugumaran had died of a heart attack.
“No other injuries could have caused his death,” said Abdul Rashid.
He also said that the policemen did not throw turmeric powder in Sugumaran’s face as alleged by eyewitnesses earlier today.
Eyewitnesses had told reporters earlier today that the security guard was chased down yesterday by four policemen who subsequently handcuffed and beat him to death together with a mob of more than 20 people in Hulu Langat yesterday.
They said that after the policemen caught and handcuffed him, more than 20 other men from a nearby restaurant joined the policemen and proceeded to assault him.
“The police stepped on Sugumaran’s neck,” R. Moohanarajan told The Malaysian Insider at the Serdang Hospital here today.
“Twenty to thirty people wearing plain clothes beat him up. He was lying facedown with his hands handcuffed behind,” added Moohanarajan, who was Sugumaran’s neighbour.

Big Cock

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.

Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"

She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"

Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself. "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"

"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!

"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"

My Cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Steiff Piggy Pig Standing (Schwein)

 

Domestic PIG..German-manufactured old Steiff Button, yellow Flag. Clear blue Glass eyes!

3,9" tall & 5,5" long !  It is very lovable and so cute!!

Steiff Cockie Cocker Spaniel, Standing

 

 

There is the ear button present with attached yellow tag "Original Steiff 1318,00 Made in Germany" on one side and "Outer Covering 51% Wool 49% cotton" on the other side. Searching the Steiff web sites, this seems to date 1959. There is light to moderate wear, well seen in the photos: The leather collar is cracked, the fur at the tip of the tail is rubbed, and there is some rubbing to the soles of the feet. This is from a smoke free home, and there is no odor to this item.

 

EAN:

1318,00

First Year: 1959 Last Year: 1959

Material: Mohair

Inches: 7 Centimeters: 18

Box: No Certificate: No

Jointed: Body Color

 

 

Steiff Cosy Joggi Porcupine 5397/15

 

 

EAN: 5397/15

First Year: 1981 Last Year: 1985 Country: N/A

Condition:

Very Good and lips and cheeks are a little bit red

The Cock Test

So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line and pushes her butt into the man's face.

Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....

Screw Once A Year

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

Oh my god

There were three nuns talking and one nun said, "I was cleaning the priest's chamber, and I found some Playboy magazines under his pillow, so I burned them." The nuns looked at each other and the next one said, "That's nothing, I found a box of condoms in his drawer, so I poked little holes in them with a nail." The third nun suddenly jumped out of her seat and said, "Oh my god! I got to go."

Dirty Joke

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never
have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Sex With a Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"