Proof Men Have Better Friends

There's been strong debate over the years as to which sex has the better friends. Women claim to be closer and men claim to stick together. After many polls, surveys, and statistics the speculation is over. One particular case sums it up...

Women’s Friends
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men’s Friends
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Top 10 Corniest Pickup Lines

Alright ladies, I admit... men have said some pretty corny things to break the ice. Pick-up lines have become somewhat of a novelty, only the coolest guys use them now (kidding). At any rate, here are the top 10 corniest pickup lines I've ever heard (in no particular order). Ladies or Gents - feel free to add your own in the comments section.

I’ve heard sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

You must be the reason for global warming because you're hot.

Is your name Gillette? Cause baby you’re the best a man can get!

The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.

If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.

You might as well sleep with me because I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyway!

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!

Living Will

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my beer.

Letter From Wal-Mart

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in house wares"... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

And last, but certainly not least...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Onions And A Christmas Tree

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Took My Wife To The Bar

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Married Life – Going To The Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"

My Wife Has No Sense Of Humor

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we're laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember...

Journey On A Train Carriage

As awkward as it was to share a train carriage with a male stranger, one woman decided to not let it bother her.

On the first night both the woman and man settled down for bed. After about an hour had passed the woman felt terribly cold and leaned over the top bunk and said to the man "I'm awfully cold, would you please go and get me another blanket?"

The man replied "let's just pretend like we're married for this one night." The woman thought for a moment and then decided that no harm could be done so she giggled and agreed. To which the man smiled and then replied "Well then, go get your own damn blanket!"

Restroom Conversation

So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom (#2) really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying "'Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" So the other guy says "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? By this point, I'm thinking it's pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply "Uhhh I'm probably like you, just traveling?" At this point I'm wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question... "'Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"Nah man, I'm a little busy right now!"

Right then, dead silence... then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

Men Are Great Listeners

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Rationalizing My Weight Gain

The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect... It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She's still laughing.

Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Vasectomy Jokes

As I sit here I'm contemplating having a vasectomy, you know... the "removing" of your manhood. You know, it looks like a relatively simple procedure, heck I even asked if they had a do-it-yourself kit (true story). Afterall, $950 bucks for a 15 minute snip-snip is kinda excessive. At any rate, I won't be cutting on my balls anytime soon - but I do have some vasectomy jokes (more of a timeline of events) if you're in the same mood I am. We'll call him "Bill" and this is his story.

It's A Family Decision

Bill was at his family doctor for his annual physical exam. His doctor returned, filling out a bunch of stuff on his chart, and boasted "Your checkup went well, everything looks to be in order. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," Bill mumbles, "Actually, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked this over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 9 to 2."

Right After The Operation

Bill wakes up from a vasectomy and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news. "The good news is we were able to save your testicles. The bad news is they're under your pillow."

What Really Happened To Bill

While doing the vasectomy, Bill's doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill's missing ball with an onion.

Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doc asked. "Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects." "Like what?" the nervous doc asked anxiously. "Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on."

Post-Op Final Check-Up
Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn't come out - and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. "I've tried everything," he says. "I've pulled it, I've twisted it, I've even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can't open this damn jar!"

Well, if those don't ease your fears of going under the knife, I don't know what will. From one man to another, cherish the manhood you have now.

Top Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
---------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh....she got fired too.'

----------------------------------------------------

Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================

Source: email recieved unknown

Too Much Ex-Lax

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

What'd You Think?

Farmer On A Plane

A farmer, who wasn't all that familiar with newfangled technolagy, had never went on a airplane but had to visit his sick daughter in New York city. Having to use the restroom badly, he asked the flight attendent where the bathroom is and was pointed all the way down to the back of the plane - but with a warning to not press the third button.

The farmer went in and pressed the first button. It throughly cleaned his front private. Delighted, he pushed the second button and it cleaned his rear end throughly as well. With the memory still fresh in his mind about the flight attented saying not to press the third button, curiosity got the best of him and he pressed it... and ended up in the hospital.

Next thing he remembers is waking up in the hospital, looking over at the doctor an asking "What happend?" "Well..." The doctor replied, "the third button on the plane... was a tampon remover." Ouch.

Check-Up

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas," said the doctor, "bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doc said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."