A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Politically incorrect jokes
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden
Source : email recieved
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden
Source : email recieved
Friday, February 25, 2011
Who’s Doing The Dishes?
John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every day, with no luck (he's quite picky). One day he comes across a mint looking Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one even though it's 10 years old, really shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in... When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, of course, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandy. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. He stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her brains out right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom definately horrified, but, when he sits back down nobody says a word.
John, looking over at Sandy's mom, things to himself she's pretty hot. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. His girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in... When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.
John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, of course, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandy. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. He stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her brains out right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom definately horrified, but, when he sits back down nobody says a word.
John, looking over at Sandy's mom, things to himself she's pretty hot. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. His girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I Like The Way You Think
Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher teacher, I know, it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's loooong. It's soft, but it's haaaard."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said, "But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher teacher, I know, it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's loooong. It's soft, but it's haaaard."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said, "But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!"
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Gone Hunting
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up... I'll get my hat!"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up... I'll get my hat!"
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Artificial Insemination
During a moment of brilliance, and a man buys several sheep in hopes of breeding them for wool. He figured it'd be an excellent way to make some extra money. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him he should try artificial insemination.
Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Now the guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he'd know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they'll stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "Nope," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Quick Thinking Cabby
A guy is on a date with this really hot chick, so he takes her up to Lover's Lane. Things start getting hot and heavy and, just when they were about to go to third base, she says "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker."
The man thinks for a bit but, being really in the mood, he asks "How much?" She replied, "For you, $25 since I like ya."
He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you too now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for a ride back to town.''
The man thinks for a bit but, being really in the mood, he asks "How much?" She replied, "For you, $25 since I like ya."
He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you too now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for a ride back to town.''
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Camel Rider
A well respected Captain in the Marines was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the First Sergeant leading the tour, "Why's a camel tied out behind the barracks?"
The First Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain just couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He ordered to his First Sergeant to, "Bring the camel to my tent!"
The First Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
A couple mintutes later the Captain emerges from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride boasted "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The First Sergeant, still in shock, replied "Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride to town."
He asked the First Sergeant leading the tour, "Why's a camel tied out behind the barracks?"
The First Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain just couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He ordered to his First Sergeant to, "Bring the camel to my tent!"
The First Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
A couple mintutes later the Captain emerges from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride boasted "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The First Sergeant, still in shock, replied "Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride to town."
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Nymphomaniacs of America
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Friday, February 18, 2011
Anything For Love
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Double Barrel
Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm proud of it." The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,"you've got a Double-Barrel!"
His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm proud of it." The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,"you've got a Double-Barrel!"
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
What'd You Think?
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
What'd You Think?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Fart Your Guts Out
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tidings For The Church
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?"
What Guys Really Mean
When you catch a guy glancing at you, he's actually wondering what you look like naked.
When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps.
When a guy wants a hug he'll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance.
When u break a guys heart he won't even remember your name 3 days later.
When a guy is quiet, he's probably masturbating.
When a guy is not arguing, it means there are no women around.
When a guy looks at you with eyes full of questions, he's wondering what the hell are you blabbering about now.
When a guy answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds, he's fine.
When a guy stares at you, he's wondering if he slept with you before.
When a guy lays his head on your chest, well... that's self explanatory.
When a guy says, "I miss you," it means the scope on his rifle wasn't set properly.
When a guy says he can't live without you, he's really horny and knows that's what you want to hear.
When a guy is mean to you after a break-up, it's because you don't know when to let go and move on - so quit being such a clingy bitch.
When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps.
When a guy wants a hug he'll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance.
When u break a guys heart he won't even remember your name 3 days later.
When a guy is quiet, he's probably masturbating.
When a guy is not arguing, it means there are no women around.
When a guy looks at you with eyes full of questions, he's wondering what the hell are you blabbering about now.
When a guy answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds, he's fine.
When a guy stares at you, he's wondering if he slept with you before.
When a guy lays his head on your chest, well... that's self explanatory.
When a guy says, "I miss you," it means the scope on his rifle wasn't set properly.
When a guy says he can't live without you, he's really horny and knows that's what you want to hear.
When a guy is mean to you after a break-up, it's because you don't know when to let go and move on - so quit being such a clingy bitch.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Silver Peanut Butter Jar
A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Midget Down In Texas
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method used to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Friday, February 11, 2011
Little Indian Boy
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" The mother replied "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
The little Indian boy then asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.
Next he asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother then paused, looked at her son inquisitively and asked... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
The little Indian boy then asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.
Next he asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother then paused, looked at her son inquisitively and asked... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Blonde Education Department
The Blondes at the college university felt like they just didn't fit in. Everywhere on campus they felt rideculed and were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos out for sex. They wanted to feel like blondes belonged at the school.
A few of them pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for blondes. After much discussion, the university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The blondes were ecstatic. They now have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. The blonde college stundents finally felt like they belonged and were proud of it. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos, after all, they now had their own "department" at the university.
They now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
A few of them pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for blondes. After much discussion, the university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The blondes were ecstatic. They now have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. The blonde college stundents finally felt like they belonged and were proud of it. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos, after all, they now had their own "department" at the university.
They now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department, which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
If Men Wrote Advice Columns
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it's a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it's a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."
Poor quality doctors?
What is the reason why we have poor quality doctors?
Is it due to the low prerequisites allowed for preparatory medical colleges? OR
Is it due to the poor quality of teaching and examination standards in the University?
Personally I would think that it is the low examination standards in the Uni. The uni can take in any students they want but if their standards are high, some students will not be able to coup up with the course and eventually will dropout.
Furthermore many foreign uni are getting more and more commercialize and making money is more important than producing good doctors.
Is it true that raising the entry requirement of medical schools will produce quality and good doctors? I do not think so. To be a good doctor, one must have passion to save people. If a doctor is only interested in making money, will he be a good doctors.
What is actually meant by quality of doctors as referred to by MMA?
-----------------------------
MMA: Raise the bar for future doctors
By JOSHUA FOONG
joshuafoong@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: There is growing concern about the quality of doctors that the country is churning out.
This is due to the low prerequisites allowed for preparatory medical colleges, known to accept SPM-level students with the minimum requirement of Bs in sciences.
From there, the students have a high chance of getting into universities in countries like Russia and Indonesia.
“There must be some quality or level of excellence before one can realistically aspire to be a doctor,” Malaysian Medical Association (MMA) president Dr David Quek told The Star.
“If one is not good enough there will be problems of quality later on when he or she becomes a doctor.
“It is not simply about getting a degree or a name. It has bearings on human life and patient safety,” he added.
“The association is unhappy that we are having so many routes to medical schools.
“We are creating an unrealistic atmosphere of easy entry for anyone who can afford to pay but whose scholastic ability may be way off the mark,” added Dr Quek.
Readers of The Star have also written in to express their concern on the many “shoplot medical schools.”
While medical universities require recognition by the Malaysian Medical Council (MMC) before their graduates can practise medicine, the council does not have the authority to regulate pre-university courses tied with medical degree programmes.
“We are now looking into the entry criteria for medical students, and if these are too low, then we have recommended remedial measures to limit these medical colleges from being recognised as acceptable standards,” said Dr Quek, who is a council member.
“We are also working with the Higher Education Ministry and its agencies to ensure that foundation courses be of acceptable standards and duration, and that only sufficiently qualified students are accepted,” he added.
Universiti Malaya physiology professor Dr Cheng Hwee Ming said a student also had to master the art of decision making besides having clinical skills.
Rheumatologist Dr Pagalavan Letchumanan, who has trained housemen and lectured for 13 years, said the key point should be clear standardisation for entrance requirements.
“If we regulate the intake of medical students, say through MMC-certified prerequisites, just like our medical degrees, we can be more assured of the quality of our future graduates,” he added.
Is it due to the low prerequisites allowed for preparatory medical colleges? OR
Is it due to the poor quality of teaching and examination standards in the University?
Personally I would think that it is the low examination standards in the Uni. The uni can take in any students they want but if their standards are high, some students will not be able to coup up with the course and eventually will dropout.
Furthermore many foreign uni are getting more and more commercialize and making money is more important than producing good doctors.
Is it true that raising the entry requirement of medical schools will produce quality and good doctors? I do not think so. To be a good doctor, one must have passion to save people. If a doctor is only interested in making money, will he be a good doctors.
What is actually meant by quality of doctors as referred to by MMA?
-----------------------------
MMA: Raise the bar for future doctors
By JOSHUA FOONG
joshuafoong@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: There is growing concern about the quality of doctors that the country is churning out.
This is due to the low prerequisites allowed for preparatory medical colleges, known to accept SPM-level students with the minimum requirement of Bs in sciences.
From there, the students have a high chance of getting into universities in countries like Russia and Indonesia.
“There must be some quality or level of excellence before one can realistically aspire to be a doctor,” Malaysian Medical Association (MMA) president Dr David Quek told The Star.
“If one is not good enough there will be problems of quality later on when he or she becomes a doctor.
“It is not simply about getting a degree or a name. It has bearings on human life and patient safety,” he added.
“The association is unhappy that we are having so many routes to medical schools.
“We are creating an unrealistic atmosphere of easy entry for anyone who can afford to pay but whose scholastic ability may be way off the mark,” added Dr Quek.
Readers of The Star have also written in to express their concern on the many “shoplot medical schools.”
While medical universities require recognition by the Malaysian Medical Council (MMC) before their graduates can practise medicine, the council does not have the authority to regulate pre-university courses tied with medical degree programmes.
“We are now looking into the entry criteria for medical students, and if these are too low, then we have recommended remedial measures to limit these medical colleges from being recognised as acceptable standards,” said Dr Quek, who is a council member.
“We are also working with the Higher Education Ministry and its agencies to ensure that foundation courses be of acceptable standards and duration, and that only sufficiently qualified students are accepted,” he added.
Universiti Malaya physiology professor Dr Cheng Hwee Ming said a student also had to master the art of decision making besides having clinical skills.
Rheumatologist Dr Pagalavan Letchumanan, who has trained housemen and lectured for 13 years, said the key point should be clear standardisation for entrance requirements.
“If we regulate the intake of medical students, say through MMC-certified prerequisites, just like our medical degrees, we can be more assured of the quality of our future graduates,” he added.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Dude, There’s A Cork In Your…
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Witty College Professor
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Redneck’s National Poetry Contest
Last year's National Poetry Contest came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' we went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
My Dog’s Name Was Sex
Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I was looking for Sex.”
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too!” When I said “But this is a dog,” he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was two years old.”
He replied, “You must have been a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.”
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night”, and the clerk said,”Me too.”
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, “Show off!” I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married” and the Judge said, “Me too.”
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, “Me too.”
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”
I replied, “Well, Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s so lonely.”
The doctor said, “Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?”
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too!” When I said “But this is a dog,” he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was two years old.”
He replied, “You must have been a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.”
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night”, and the clerk said,”Me too.”
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, “Show off!” I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married” and the Judge said, “Me too.”
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, “Me too.”
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”
I replied, “Well, Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s so lonely.”
The doctor said, “Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?”
Friday, February 04, 2011
Female Compassion
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said, "No." She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said, "No." She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Top 10 Corniest Redneck Pickup Lines
Our last set of pickup lines received such a good response, I figure we'd throw out the top 10 corniest Redneck pickup lines we could find. Here they are in no particular order and, as always, feel free to add your own : )
Did you fart? Cuz baby you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I can make yer "bed-rock."
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta that cheap motel room over yonder.
If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
Did you fart? Cuz baby you blew me away.
Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I can make yer "bed-rock."
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta that cheap motel room over yonder.
If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
What A Night
John woke up after the annual Spring office party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You go back work on Monday."
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You go back work on Monday."
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Onions And A Christmas Tree
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
Monday, January 31, 2011
Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes
Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes
Below you'll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say 'em. Here they are, in no particular order, drumroll please...
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." ~ Steve Jobs
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ Camille Paglia
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
Below you'll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say 'em. Here they are, in no particular order, drumroll please...
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." ~ Steve Jobs
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ Camille Paglia
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sexy Panties
My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"
She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Make A Wish
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, “Hey mister! Why the hell is your head so small?”
The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”
“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”
“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”
The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”
“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”
“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”
Friday, January 28, 2011
Two Spoons
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Hung Like A Horse (Moral)
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's Mercedes and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
Silver Peanut Butter Jar
A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Farting Competition
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Married Life – Going To The Bar
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
An idiot talking
Ha ha ha ha ha ....
In Bolehland, there are thousands or millions of obsese people and thousands who have hardly enough to eat and this idiotic minister is concerned about obese orang utangs aboard. ha ha ha ha
Maybe this idiot is following the PM program of One Talent Corporation and instead of encouraging talented citizen working overseas to come back to work, he wants to bring 'talented' orang utang back.
ha ha ha ha ha
--------------------------------------
Malaysia wants orang utans abroad to 'come home'
By MUGUNTAN VANAR
KOTA KINABALU: Malaysia will help non-governmental organisations to bring back orang-utans from zoos abroad and rehabilitate them in their native environment in Sabah.
Plantation Industries and Commodities Minister Tan Sri Bernard Dompok said that the government was keen to assist in the rescue of displaced orang utans currently placed in zoos in Europe and United Kingdom.
He said one obese orang utan named Oshine, highlighted by the international media, was rescued from a private owner in South Africa and was now being rehabilitated at Monkey World in Dorset, UK.
“It is being put on a diet in the centre as it had grown too fat and has apparently never seen another orang utan until it arrived at Monkey World,” he said during a dialogue with Sabah NGOs regarding issues pertaining to plantations.
“I told them (NGOs) this is one thing (rescuing orang utans) that they may want to do and the government will give all the assistance to help them get back the displaced apes,” he added.
He said there was no reason for the orang utans to suffer in the cold north European climate as there was ample space for orang utans in the forests of Sabah.
Weighing about 100kgs, Oshine, a 13-year-old orang utan, was raised by a South African couple who fed him marshmallows and other sweets.
It is now on a strict diet of of fruit, yoghurt, lean meat and vegetables in Monkey World.
According to news reports, Monkey World carers were working towards reducing Oshine’s wight to about 70kgs and teach it to be an orang utan again by letting it live next to baby orang utans.
In Bolehland, there are thousands or millions of obsese people and thousands who have hardly enough to eat and this idiotic minister is concerned about obese orang utangs aboard. ha ha ha ha
Maybe this idiot is following the PM program of One Talent Corporation and instead of encouraging talented citizen working overseas to come back to work, he wants to bring 'talented' orang utang back.
ha ha ha ha ha
--------------------------------------
Malaysia wants orang utans abroad to 'come home'
By MUGUNTAN VANAR
KOTA KINABALU: Malaysia will help non-governmental organisations to bring back orang-utans from zoos abroad and rehabilitate them in their native environment in Sabah.
Plantation Industries and Commodities Minister Tan Sri Bernard Dompok said that the government was keen to assist in the rescue of displaced orang utans currently placed in zoos in Europe and United Kingdom.
He said one obese orang utan named Oshine, highlighted by the international media, was rescued from a private owner in South Africa and was now being rehabilitated at Monkey World in Dorset, UK.
“It is being put on a diet in the centre as it had grown too fat and has apparently never seen another orang utan until it arrived at Monkey World,” he said during a dialogue with Sabah NGOs regarding issues pertaining to plantations.
“I told them (NGOs) this is one thing (rescuing orang utans) that they may want to do and the government will give all the assistance to help them get back the displaced apes,” he added.
He said there was no reason for the orang utans to suffer in the cold north European climate as there was ample space for orang utans in the forests of Sabah.
Weighing about 100kgs, Oshine, a 13-year-old orang utan, was raised by a South African couple who fed him marshmallows and other sweets.
It is now on a strict diet of of fruit, yoghurt, lean meat and vegetables in Monkey World.
According to news reports, Monkey World carers were working towards reducing Oshine’s wight to about 70kgs and teach it to be an orang utan again by letting it live next to baby orang utans.
Banknotes made from paper? ? ? ? ?
Ha ha ha ha ........
Some people are just ignorant. Bank notes from paper?
Ha ha ha ha ha
If you googled on "What is money made of?"
The answer will be composed of "25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton"
If this is the case, how it it going to save trees?
Ha ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------------------
The Lees will use old banknotes for ang pows to save trees
By ISABELLE LAI
isabellelai@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: Don’t count on the Lee family to rush to the bank for crisp new banknotes when Chinese New Year rolls in each year.
Eloise Lee, 44, said her family had made it a practice to use both old and new banknotes in ang pow packets for the past few years.
“We realised that production of new banknotes requires the cutting down of more trees. Now, we just use notes that look new instead,” she said, adding that none of her ang pow recipients had any complaints about the mix of old and new notes.
“They always receive the red packets happily. Anyway, I think they’re more concerned about how much money is inside, rather than whether the notes are new or not!” she quipped.
Her mother-in-law, Wong Kip Hing, 73, said that the family had also been reusing ang pow decorations for about 10 years.
“We store them carefully, away from moisture and dust. Every year, our decorations look just as beautiful as when they were new,” she said, showing off an origami fish made from an ang pow packet six years ago.
Homemaker Jackie Ho, 61, agreed that new banknotes were not necessary for ang pows.
“Don’t go and give battered ones, of course! Save the new ones you get throughout the year instead of rushing to obtain brand new ones just for this occasion,” she said.
She also advised families who often bought cartons of soft drinks to dispose of them properly after guests have consumed them.
“Aluminium cans can be recycled into many things, so people should really try to remember not to dump them into the trash bin as it is a waste of resources,” she said.
Sam Kon, 23, said he would make an effort to set aside items for recycling or charity while spring cleaning the house.
“Many items can be used again, it’s a waste to dump them. We only have one world, let’s do our part to save it,” he said.
Some people are just ignorant. Bank notes from paper?
Ha ha ha ha ha
If you googled on "What is money made of?"
The answer will be composed of "25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton"
If this is the case, how it it going to save trees?
Ha ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------------------
The Lees will use old banknotes for ang pows to save trees
By ISABELLE LAI
isabellelai@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: Don’t count on the Lee family to rush to the bank for crisp new banknotes when Chinese New Year rolls in each year.
Eloise Lee, 44, said her family had made it a practice to use both old and new banknotes in ang pow packets for the past few years.
“We realised that production of new banknotes requires the cutting down of more trees. Now, we just use notes that look new instead,” she said, adding that none of her ang pow recipients had any complaints about the mix of old and new notes.
“They always receive the red packets happily. Anyway, I think they’re more concerned about how much money is inside, rather than whether the notes are new or not!” she quipped.
Her mother-in-law, Wong Kip Hing, 73, said that the family had also been reusing ang pow decorations for about 10 years.
“We store them carefully, away from moisture and dust. Every year, our decorations look just as beautiful as when they were new,” she said, showing off an origami fish made from an ang pow packet six years ago.
Homemaker Jackie Ho, 61, agreed that new banknotes were not necessary for ang pows.
“Don’t go and give battered ones, of course! Save the new ones you get throughout the year instead of rushing to obtain brand new ones just for this occasion,” she said.
She also advised families who often bought cartons of soft drinks to dispose of them properly after guests have consumed them.
“Aluminium cans can be recycled into many things, so people should really try to remember not to dump them into the trash bin as it is a waste of resources,” she said.
Sam Kon, 23, said he would make an effort to set aside items for recycling or charity while spring cleaning the house.
“Many items can be used again, it’s a waste to dump them. We only have one world, let’s do our part to save it,” he said.
A cock and bull story
Ha ha ha ha ha ha .....
Since independence, the opposition political parties have NEVER been invited to celebrate Medeka Day.
Ha ha ha ha
Since all communities including the opposition parties were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity of Bolehland, why are they not of the Medeka Day celebration.
Talking cock?
-------------------------------------------------------
PM: All did their bit for Independence
PEKAN: All communities in the country were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity that Malaysia had achieved, said Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
"When striving for Independence, the Malays leading the struggle were supported by the Chinese and Indians," he said.
Now, he said, all communities must work together to turn Malaysia into a developed nation with a high income.
The Prime Minister earlier gave out over 6,000 crates of mandarin oranges to the people here in conjunction with Chinese New Year.
At another function, Najib said disadvantaged groups would continue to receive support and fair treatment or "our system will be crippled for failure to provide social justice to all."
He said the government was helping not only the hard-core poor but also the low-income group. But what the government was doing was not enough because the number needing assistance was very big, he stressed.
He said social justice had brought about social mobility and empowerment of individuals.
"In most countries, including advanced nations, people in the low-income group have little chance of going up he social ladder," he said.
"But in Malaysia, we have many moving stories about the children of fishermen and farmers rising in the professional, corporate and academic circles in just one generation."
Since independence, the opposition political parties have NEVER been invited to celebrate Medeka Day.
Ha ha ha ha
Since all communities including the opposition parties were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity of Bolehland, why are they not of the Medeka Day celebration.
Talking cock?
-------------------------------------------------------
PM: All did their bit for Independence
PEKAN: All communities in the country were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity that Malaysia had achieved, said Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
"When striving for Independence, the Malays leading the struggle were supported by the Chinese and Indians," he said.
Now, he said, all communities must work together to turn Malaysia into a developed nation with a high income.
The Prime Minister earlier gave out over 6,000 crates of mandarin oranges to the people here in conjunction with Chinese New Year.
At another function, Najib said disadvantaged groups would continue to receive support and fair treatment or "our system will be crippled for failure to provide social justice to all."
He said the government was helping not only the hard-core poor but also the low-income group. But what the government was doing was not enough because the number needing assistance was very big, he stressed.
He said social justice had brought about social mobility and empowerment of individuals.
"In most countries, including advanced nations, people in the low-income group have little chance of going up he social ladder," he said.
"But in Malaysia, we have many moving stories about the children of fishermen and farmers rising in the professional, corporate and academic circles in just one generation."
Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Love Making Poem
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"
Friday, January 21, 2011
My Wife Has No Sense Of Humor
So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we're laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember...
"No." She answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My Stomach Hurts
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Do The Screw
It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.
Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"
Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"
Two Prostitutes, One Sign
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Teeing Off With A Mercedes Benz
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
Monday, January 17, 2011
Grapes and Doughnuts
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Who would want to be a losing candidates?
Ka ka ka kaa......
Politicians sometimes says the damnest thing.
Who in the rightful mind will want to lost in election?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....
------------------------------------
Najib to SUPP: Pick candidates who can win
By RINTOS MAIL
KUCHING: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak has asked the Sarawak United People’s Party (SUPP) to only select candidates who can win in the coming state elections.
He said there was no point keeping the old candidates or introducing new faces if they could not win the seats for Barisan Nasional.
“Give me winnable candidates, who can assure the seats for Barisan.
“You must win all your seats in order to be a strong partner in Barisan,” he said at the opening of the SUPP Convention here on Sunday.
Najib, who is Barisan chairman, said SUPP must not pick someone to be its candidates simply because they were important in the party, but those who stands a good chance of securing seats.
“It is important that you select a candidate, who is acceptable to the community or the constituents.
“That’s the only way to create a new SUPP,” he noted.
He said to ensure all Barisan candidates stand a good chance of winning, he might change the convention, where in the past he only endorsed the choice of component parties.
“If necessary, I may exercise my power as Barisan chairman to veto some candidates if they have no chance of winning,” he said.
Later, when asked at a press conference if he would exercise his veto power in the coming state election, the Prime Minister said:
“I will discuss with the leaders of all the component parties first.
“We will do it in a true Barisan spirit in reaching a consensus of selecting our winnable candidates.”
Politicians sometimes says the damnest thing.
Who in the rightful mind will want to lost in election?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....
------------------------------------
Najib to SUPP: Pick candidates who can win
By RINTOS MAIL
KUCHING: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak has asked the Sarawak United People’s Party (SUPP) to only select candidates who can win in the coming state elections.
He said there was no point keeping the old candidates or introducing new faces if they could not win the seats for Barisan Nasional.
“Give me winnable candidates, who can assure the seats for Barisan.
“You must win all your seats in order to be a strong partner in Barisan,” he said at the opening of the SUPP Convention here on Sunday.
Najib, who is Barisan chairman, said SUPP must not pick someone to be its candidates simply because they were important in the party, but those who stands a good chance of securing seats.
“It is important that you select a candidate, who is acceptable to the community or the constituents.
“That’s the only way to create a new SUPP,” he noted.
He said to ensure all Barisan candidates stand a good chance of winning, he might change the convention, where in the past he only endorsed the choice of component parties.
“If necessary, I may exercise my power as Barisan chairman to veto some candidates if they have no chance of winning,” he said.
Later, when asked at a press conference if he would exercise his veto power in the coming state election, the Prime Minister said:
“I will discuss with the leaders of all the component parties first.
“We will do it in a true Barisan spirit in reaching a consensus of selecting our winnable candidates.”
A Round Of Golf On Christmas Morning
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"
A few weeks later it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car... reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy...
The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be?" and she said "Take a sweater."
A few weeks later it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car... reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy...
The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be?" and she said "Take a sweater."
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Murphy’s Logic
One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".
Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.
Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"
Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."
Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"
Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.
Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"
Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."
Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"
Friday, January 14, 2011
Paying The Rent
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :
"Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A Blonde At Western Union
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello? ... Mom?"
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello? ... Mom?"
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Renting An Adult Movie
A blond decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
Source email
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
Source email
Monday, January 10, 2011
Newfangled Diagnosis Machine
One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he had an idea. John decided to have a little fun with the doctor and pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had yet another brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and even beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him with an agitated look in his face and said, "I've got some bad news. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he had an idea. John decided to have a little fun with the doctor and pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had yet another brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and even beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him with an agitated look in his face and said, "I've got some bad news. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
Sunday, January 09, 2011
That Monkey Will Eat Anything
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"
Saturday, January 08, 2011
An Elderly Couple Finally Tying The Knot
An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.
So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
"Well," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked... "Is that one word or two?"
So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.
"Well," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked... "Is that one word or two?"
Friday, January 07, 2011
The Condom Conversation
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."
To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.
With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Bra Sizes
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost
B - Better
C - Cute
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.
G - Gone South !
Source unknown
A - Almost
B - Better
C - Cute
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.
G - Gone South !
Source unknown
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Women Can Be Cruel Sometimes
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you’re always washing your hands." "That’s very clever" she says, "I bet you’re an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?"
"I didn’t feel a thing."
Source unknown
.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you’re always washing your hands." "That’s very clever" she says, "I bet you’re an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?"
"I didn’t feel a thing."
Source unknown
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Deathbead Confessions
Suzie was standing over her husbands deathbed, andas she held his hand her warm tears ran down her cheeks and splashed onto her sleeping husbands face. Her tears awakened him.
"My darling Suzie " he began. "Hush my love" she said. "Ssssh..., go back to sleep dear "
But he was insistent."Suzie" he said in his frail, tired voice. "I must talk, I must confess something to you" "Theres nothing to confess" said the weeping Suzie "It's ok. Everythings ok. Get some rest now. "
"No no, I must die in peace my Suzie. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." The heartbroken Suzie mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. " hush
now Jimmy, dont torment yourself. I know all about it" she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Source unknown
"My darling Suzie " he began. "Hush my love" she said. "Ssssh..., go back to sleep dear "
But he was insistent."Suzie" he said in his frail, tired voice. "I must talk, I must confess something to you" "Theres nothing to confess" said the weeping Suzie "It's ok. Everythings ok. Get some rest now. "
"No no, I must die in peace my Suzie. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." The heartbroken Suzie mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. " hush
now Jimmy, dont torment yourself. I know all about it" she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Source unknown
Monday, January 03, 2011
Honey, I Want A Divorce
A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says............... "The airbag."
Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.
Source unknown
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says............... "The airbag."
Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.
Source unknown
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Golf Genie
One Sunday afternoon, a lady was playing golf. Suddenly she hooked a golf ball so hard it went sailing over everyones heads, and landed in the bushes. The lady walked over to get it, a moving through the bushes she found the golf ball. Next to the ball was a shiney little lamp. She couldn't see the golf ball or the lamp because of the thick bushes so she grabbed the lamp and pulled it out. Realising she had grabbed a lamp instead she again reached back in and this time pulled the golf ball out. Having no place else to put it, she stuck the lamp in her golf bag.
After the round of golf she sat in her car, looking at the shiney little lamp. She rubbed it for no apparent reason and, poof, a genie came out. Startled, the woman asked the genie what it was. "I am the genie from the lamp, I've been asleep for 10,000 years and as a reward for awakining me I will grant you 3 wishes, the only catch is whatever you wish for yourself your husband will get 10 times more than you."
The woman nods and says. "Thats ok, whatevers mine is my husbands and vice versa." She thinks for a while, first saying"I wish to have 5 million dollars." "Poof you have 5 million dollars but your husband has 50 million dollars." replies genie replies twirling his fingers. "Thats ok whatevers mine is his, so I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world." She said. "Poof you are the most beautiful woman in the world but your husband is the most beautiful man in the world." The woman nods and says "Thats ok whatevers mine is his"
Suddenly she blurts out: "I wish to have a mild heart attack." "Poof you will have a mild heart attack but your husband will get 10 times more of one." The genie says. "Thats ok" says the woman "whats his is mine ".
Source unknown
After the round of golf she sat in her car, looking at the shiney little lamp. She rubbed it for no apparent reason and, poof, a genie came out. Startled, the woman asked the genie what it was. "I am the genie from the lamp, I've been asleep for 10,000 years and as a reward for awakining me I will grant you 3 wishes, the only catch is whatever you wish for yourself your husband will get 10 times more than you."
The woman nods and says. "Thats ok, whatevers mine is my husbands and vice versa." She thinks for a while, first saying"I wish to have 5 million dollars." "Poof you have 5 million dollars but your husband has 50 million dollars." replies genie replies twirling his fingers. "Thats ok whatevers mine is his, so I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world." She said. "Poof you are the most beautiful woman in the world but your husband is the most beautiful man in the world." The woman nods and says "Thats ok whatevers mine is his"
Suddenly she blurts out: "I wish to have a mild heart attack." "Poof you will have a mild heart attack but your husband will get 10 times more of one." The genie says. "Thats ok" says the woman "whats his is mine ".
Source unknown
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Ladies Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Ladies Night Out, and had been alittle overly-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Horribly drunk, while walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive set of undergarments and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they staggered their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn ladies nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came home with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'
Source : unknown
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn ladies nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came home with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'
Source : unknown
Gynecologist Guessing Game
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Friday, December 31, 2010
Hippie And The Nun
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"
It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear!
A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he's also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl's house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.
At this point his stomach is turning and he's doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it's safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they'll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks to himself, "Thank God! They think the dog did it." Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
At this point his stomach is turning and he's doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it's safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they'll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks to himself, "Thank God! They think the dog did it." Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
Obsessed Mothers And Their Children
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor observed.
To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Queen Guinevere’s Chastity Belt
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless...
source email
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless...
source email
No More Floppy Lips
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
Source email
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
Source email
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Breakfast Is Kickin’
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat(pussy) halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Source email
'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat(pussy) halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?
Source email
Monday, December 27, 2010
The Mortician’s Wife
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Dear For Dinner
A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Bible School Cruise With A Laywer
There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest get ready a lifeboat for their escape.
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyer says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"
In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyer says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"
Turn around
Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"
In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Friday, December 24, 2010
Honey, I Found Your Golf Ball
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Cigarette Condoms
A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says "what are you doing?" - and they say "we're saving it for later!"
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says "What size? small, medium, or large?" She said "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"
It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says "what are you doing?" - and they say "we're saving it for later!"
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says "What size? small, medium, or large?" She said "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Wife’s Special Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Do You Believe In Ghosts?
A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believein ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.
"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.
"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"
"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.
"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"
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