One Moment listen please
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
Thursday, December 24, 2009
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Subject: Culture East Vs West
Subject: Culture East(R) Vs West(B)
Opinion
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
Source: Unknown
Opinion
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
Source: Unknown
Good reflections
Good reflections
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October.
"Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."*****
* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview...."Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."*****
* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?
"Wife: "No! Why?
"Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.
"Wife : ?????????*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."*****
* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard "*WASH BASIN* "*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."*****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...* At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and so he did it!
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October.
"Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."*****
* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview...."Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."*****
* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?
"Wife: "No! Why?
"Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.
"Wife : ?????????*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."*****
* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard "*WASH BASIN* "*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."*****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...* At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and so he did it!
Embarrassing Medical Moments
Embarrassing Medical Moments
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's 2-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every 6 hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." _.___
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's 2-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every 6 hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." _.___
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Sunday, December 20, 2009
SINGH JOKES
SINGH JOKES
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.' Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!' Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.' The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.' Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!' Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.' The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
CAR TROUBLE
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.
'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.
'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Don't lie to kids
Don't l i e to k i ds
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
PAC: No misappropriation in Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project KUALA LUMPUR: The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) has found difficulty to determine
Ha ha ha is this possible? No misappropriation when the cost increase 32.9%. Is this possible? Do not how to investigate or do not have the knowledge..... ha ha ha
-------------------------------
PAC: No misappropriation in Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project
KUALA LUMPUR: The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) has found difficulty to determine whether there was misappropriation in the Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project, the cost of which reached almost RM1.43bil, up 32.9 percent from the original cost.
PAC chairman Datuk Seri Azmi Khalid said the committee had met representatives of the Transport Ministry, Keretapi Tanah Melayu Berhad (KTMB), the consultants and contractors of the project and found that most dealings, especially the financial aspect, were done according to procedures.
However, weaknesses existed in terms of implementing and managing the project at all levels, he said.
"Among the matters the PAC will highlight to the government will be improving the way it implements big projects in future.
"For instance, there must be a comprehensive standard operating prodecure and meticulous checklist, and we must also see whether implementing projects the build-and-design way should be continued or to use other methods," he told reporters after chairing a PAC meeting in the parliament building Wednesday. He said among the clear weaknesses involved were land acquisition and land use that required the approval of the local authorities which delayed the project.
"This pushed the costs up, including the technical side. The time given to acquire the land was five months, but land acquisition is the biggest issue in any project."
Azmi said the Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project which began in 2000 was scheduled to be ready in 2005, but due to the arising problems including having to appoint a new contractor, it was only completed in 2007. - Bernama
Monday, December 07, 2009
Mamak-King says BTN is OK as long it benefits the mamaks
NCB modules should be retained, says Dr Mamak-king
KUALA LUMPUR: There is no need to revamp National Civics Bureau (NCB) training modules as they are fine in instilling the patriotic spirit among Malaysians, said Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad.(How is it going to benefit Malaysian when they talk about Ketuanan Melayu/Mamaks? Malaysian Chinese and Indian born in Malaysia are considered Pendatang? Mamaks are not?????)
The former prime minister felt that the bureau curriculum had helped foster unity as the courses conducted by the agency were attended by Malaysians of all races.(Courses attended by all races??? Ha ha my foot. Mamaking must be bullshiting. Have he read the news? Is gomen servants, Uni students and JPA scholars representative of all races?)
“No need to revamp. I think it is better to retain the modules,” he told reporters after opening the World AIDS Day 2009 yesterday.(Mamaking since retire just shut up lah, scare others throw away your crap legacy....)
Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Nazri Abdul Aziz had said that the training modules would be revamped to better reflect the 1Malaysia concept introduced by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
The matter came into the spotlight when Selangor recently prohibited state civil servants and students of higher educational institutions owned by the state from attending the courses, claiming that they were an indoctrination process by the Barisan Nasional government and aimed at brainwashing Malaysians to hate opposition parties.
Dr Mahathir said he, too, had given talks at courses organised by the bureau, adding:
“Sometimes, people do not understand the underlying value of the courses. I do not see anything bad about it, it explains the nation’s history,” he said.(Ha ha how to understand when everything previously under Mamaking is censored and OSAed)
Asked about Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s call for independent observers from Australia to monitor the next general election, Dr Mahathir said: “If it is a Caucasian , he will trust. If it’s a Malay, it is otherwise.”(Ha ha it is not that we do not trust Malays, it is UMNO appointed people that we do not trust. Mamak just opened your eyes big, Look at the Lingham case, PKFZ and TBH case???? How to trust???)
Meanwhile, Datuk Seri Moha- med Nazri Abdul Aziz said the revamp of the courses would go on despite criticisms from many parties including Dr Mahathir.
The Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department said the Government would continue with its decision as it was in line with the objective to unite the races in the country.
“They can say what they want but the Cabinet has already made its decision to change the curriculum,” he told mStar Online yesterday.
KUALA LUMPUR: There is no need to revamp National Civics Bureau (NCB) training modules as they are fine in instilling the patriotic spirit among Malaysians, said Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad.(How is it going to benefit Malaysian when they talk about Ketuanan Melayu/Mamaks? Malaysian Chinese and Indian born in Malaysia are considered Pendatang? Mamaks are not?????)
The former prime minister felt that the bureau curriculum had helped foster unity as the courses conducted by the agency were attended by Malaysians of all races.(Courses attended by all races??? Ha ha my foot. Mamaking must be bullshiting. Have he read the news? Is gomen servants, Uni students and JPA scholars representative of all races?)
“No need to revamp. I think it is better to retain the modules,” he told reporters after opening the World AIDS Day 2009 yesterday.(Mamaking since retire just shut up lah, scare others throw away your crap legacy....)
Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Nazri Abdul Aziz had said that the training modules would be revamped to better reflect the 1Malaysia concept introduced by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
The matter came into the spotlight when Selangor recently prohibited state civil servants and students of higher educational institutions owned by the state from attending the courses, claiming that they were an indoctrination process by the Barisan Nasional government and aimed at brainwashing Malaysians to hate opposition parties.
Dr Mahathir said he, too, had given talks at courses organised by the bureau, adding:
“Sometimes, people do not understand the underlying value of the courses. I do not see anything bad about it, it explains the nation’s history,” he said.(Ha ha how to understand when everything previously under Mamaking is censored and OSAed)
Asked about Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s call for independent observers from Australia to monitor the next general election, Dr Mahathir said: “If it is a Caucasian , he will trust. If it’s a Malay, it is otherwise.”(Ha ha it is not that we do not trust Malays, it is UMNO appointed people that we do not trust. Mamak just opened your eyes big, Look at the Lingham case, PKFZ and TBH case???? How to trust???)
Meanwhile, Datuk Seri Moha- med Nazri Abdul Aziz said the revamp of the courses would go on despite criticisms from many parties including Dr Mahathir.
The Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department said the Government would continue with its decision as it was in line with the objective to unite the races in the country.
“They can say what they want but the Cabinet has already made its decision to change the curriculum,” he told mStar Online yesterday.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven.But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attentionto every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned.The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven.But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attentionto every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned.The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
A good answer
A good answer
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next"
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next"
Monday, November 30, 2009
This one made me laugh
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Family problems..
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted…
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted…
Sunday, November 29, 2009
True story from the Japanese Embassy in US...........
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US.
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori 'Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who Are You?' Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha....' Then Mori replied confidently 'Me too, ha ha ha.' Then there was a long silence in the meeting room, nobody knew what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori 'Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who Are You?' Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha....' Then Mori replied confidently 'Me too, ha ha ha.' Then there was a long silence in the meeting room, nobody knew what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!
Friday, November 27, 2009
The BENEFITS of SEX
The BENEFITS of SEX Reading this is entertaining !!!
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
good answer
good answer
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
Thursday, November 26, 2009
思想轉換 - 心態的力量
思想轉換 - 心態的力量The strength of mindset
女兒向父親抱怨，事事都很艱難。A daughter complains toward the father, everything is difficult.
她不知如何應付生活，好像一個問題剛剛解決，新的問題又會出現，她有些厭倦。She finds it hard to cope with life, seem a problem just resolve, the new problem appeared again, she was tired.
父親是一位廚師，把她帶進廚房。Her father is a cook, bring her into the kitchen..
他先往三口鍋裡倒入一些水，然後放在旺火上。He goes toward first to pour into some waters in 3 pots, then puts on the fire.
不久，水開了。Soon, water boiling.
他往第一口鍋裡放一些胡蘿蔔，第二口鍋裡放入雞蛋，第三口鍋裡放入碾成粉末的咖啡豆。He put some carrots in the first pot, put an egg into the second pot, put some coffee powder into the third pot.
20分鐘後，父親把火關了，把胡蘿蔔撈出來，放入一個碗內，把雞蛋撈出來，放入一個鍋內，然後把咖啡舀到一個杯子裡。 20 minutes later, father off the fire, take out the carrot. Go to the second pot take out the egg, and then ladling up the coffee to a cup.
父親轉身問女兒： The father turned to ask his daughter:
「孩子，你看到了什麼？」'Kid, what do you come in sight of?'
「胡蘿蔔，雞蛋，咖啡。」她說。「Carrot, egg, coffee」She say.
他讓她靠近一些，摸摸胡蘿蔔。 He lets her come closer to touch the carrot.
她注意到他它們變軟了。She noticed the carrot become soft.
父親又讓女兒拿一個雞蛋，打破它，剝掉殼，這是一個煮熟的雞蛋。The father lets the daughter take the egg, breaking it, peel the egg shell,this is a cooked egg.
最後，父親讓她喝了一口咖啡。Last, the father lets her drink a mouthful of coffee.
嘗到濃濃的咖啡，女兒笑了，怯聲問道：Taste to the very thick coffee, the daughter smile, she asked:
「父親，這意味著什麼？」 'Father, what does this mean?'
父親說，三樣東西面臨同樣的逆境——煮沸的開水。 The father says three things face same adverse circumstances-boiling water.
但其反映各不相同。But its reflection is not same.
胡蘿蔔入鍋前是強壯的、結實的，放進開水，它變軟了、變弱了。 The carrot, before put in to the pot, it is strong and hard, after putting into the boiled water, it become soft,become weak.
雞蛋原來是易碎的，薄薄的外殼保護著液態的內臟，開水一煮，內臟變硬。The egg is originally crumbly, the very thin outer shell protects the internal organs of the liquid, once the boiled water cook, the internal organs become hard.
粉狀咖啡豆則很獨特，進入沸水，它們便改變了水。 The coffee bean powder then is very special, entering boiling water, they changed the water then.
在艱難和逆境前，可以學胡蘿蔔、雞蛋和咖啡豆，可以屈服，也可以變得更堅強——甚至，可以改變環境。 We can learn how carrot,egg and coffee bean react in the difficulties and adverse circumstances. They can accept defeat, can become stronger, and even can change environment/surrounding.
父親說：The father say:
你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己； Your cannot change the environment, but can change yourself;
你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；Your cannot change the fact, but can change an attitude;
你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；Your cannot change the past, but can change the present;
你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；You have no command over others, but can control yourself;
你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；You can't predict tomorrow, but can hold on today;
你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；You can't be doing smooth and well in everything, but can devote your best effort;
你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；You can't change weather, but can change a mood;
你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；You can't change facial appearance, but can emerge with smiling face;
是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。Yes, the mindset sometimes is important compares with others
女兒向父親抱怨，事事都很艱難。A daughter complains toward the father, everything is difficult.
她不知如何應付生活，好像一個問題剛剛解決，新的問題又會出現，她有些厭倦。She finds it hard to cope with life, seem a problem just resolve, the new problem appeared again, she was tired.
父親是一位廚師，把她帶進廚房。Her father is a cook, bring her into the kitchen..
他先往三口鍋裡倒入一些水，然後放在旺火上。He goes toward first to pour into some waters in 3 pots, then puts on the fire.
不久，水開了。Soon, water boiling.
他往第一口鍋裡放一些胡蘿蔔，第二口鍋裡放入雞蛋，第三口鍋裡放入碾成粉末的咖啡豆。He put some carrots in the first pot, put an egg into the second pot, put some coffee powder into the third pot.
20分鐘後，父親把火關了，把胡蘿蔔撈出來，放入一個碗內，把雞蛋撈出來，放入一個鍋內，然後把咖啡舀到一個杯子裡。 20 minutes later, father off the fire, take out the carrot. Go to the second pot take out the egg, and then ladling up the coffee to a cup.
父親轉身問女兒： The father turned to ask his daughter:
「孩子，你看到了什麼？」'Kid, what do you come in sight of?'
「胡蘿蔔，雞蛋，咖啡。」她說。「Carrot, egg, coffee」She say.
他讓她靠近一些，摸摸胡蘿蔔。 He lets her come closer to touch the carrot.
她注意到他它們變軟了。She noticed the carrot become soft.
父親又讓女兒拿一個雞蛋，打破它，剝掉殼，這是一個煮熟的雞蛋。The father lets the daughter take the egg, breaking it, peel the egg shell,this is a cooked egg.
最後，父親讓她喝了一口咖啡。Last, the father lets her drink a mouthful of coffee.
嘗到濃濃的咖啡，女兒笑了，怯聲問道：Taste to the very thick coffee, the daughter smile, she asked:
「父親，這意味著什麼？」 'Father, what does this mean?'
父親說，三樣東西面臨同樣的逆境——煮沸的開水。 The father says three things face same adverse circumstances-boiling water.
但其反映各不相同。But its reflection is not same.
胡蘿蔔入鍋前是強壯的、結實的，放進開水，它變軟了、變弱了。 The carrot, before put in to the pot, it is strong and hard, after putting into the boiled water, it become soft,become weak.
雞蛋原來是易碎的，薄薄的外殼保護著液態的內臟，開水一煮，內臟變硬。The egg is originally crumbly, the very thin outer shell protects the internal organs of the liquid, once the boiled water cook, the internal organs become hard.
粉狀咖啡豆則很獨特，進入沸水，它們便改變了水。 The coffee bean powder then is very special, entering boiling water, they changed the water then.
在艱難和逆境前，可以學胡蘿蔔、雞蛋和咖啡豆，可以屈服，也可以變得更堅強——甚至，可以改變環境。 We can learn how carrot,egg and coffee bean react in the difficulties and adverse circumstances. They can accept defeat, can become stronger, and even can change environment/surrounding.
父親說：The father say:
你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己； Your cannot change the environment, but can change yourself;
你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；Your cannot change the fact, but can change an attitude;
你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；Your cannot change the past, but can change the present;
你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；You have no command over others, but can control yourself;
你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；You can't predict tomorrow, but can hold on today;
你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；You can't be doing smooth and well in everything, but can devote your best effort;
你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；You can't change weather, but can change a mood;
你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；You can't change facial appearance, but can emerge with smiling face;
是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。Yes, the mindset sometimes is important compares with others
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Getting Old ...
Getting Old ...
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wedding Ring
The Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha
Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...
The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...
The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Jokes for your amusement !
Jokes for your amusement !
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you..
It's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating.. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?> To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Have a good day!
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you..
It's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating.. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?> To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Have a good day!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
CAR TROUBLE
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
SINGH JOKES
SINGH JOKES
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' (RelaxSingh)
Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' (RelaxSingh)
Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
jokes
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so hethought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "
Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so hethought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "
Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
Monday, November 16, 2009
人 啊！
人 啊！
Man, O Man!
沒錢的時候，養豬；有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;When have money, dine in fine restaurant.
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;When have money, wish to get divorced.
沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.
沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;When with money, act like poor man.
人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous
人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority10
歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority20
歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority30
歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority40
歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority50
歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority60
歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority70
歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority80
歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority90
歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority100
歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!
Man, O Man!
沒錢的時候，養豬；有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;When have money, dine in fine restaurant.
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;When have money, wish to get divorced.
沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.
沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;When with money, act like poor man.
人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous
人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority10
歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority20
歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority30
歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority40
歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority50
歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority60
歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority70
歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority80
歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority90
歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority100
歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!
It Sucks to Get Old
It Sucks to Get Old
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
Saturday, November 14, 2009
人 生 流 程 Life's Process
人 生 流 程 Life's Process
當你二十歲的時候，你醒來希望是愛情。 When you are 20, you wake up hoping for love.
當你三十歲的時候，你醒來希望是結婚。 When you are 30, you wake up hoping for marriage.
當你四十歲的時候，你醒來希望是成功。 When you are 40, you wake up hoping for success.
當你五十歲的時候，你醒來希望是富有。 When you are 50, you wake up hoping for wealth.
當你六十歲的時候，你醒來希望是知足。 When you are 60, you wake up hoping for contentment.
當你七十歲的時候，你醒來希望是健康。 When you are 70, you wake up hoping for health.
當你八十歲的時候，你只希望能醒過來。 When you are 80, you wake up hoping you will be able to wake up.
如果你愛什麼很多 就讓它走吧... If you love something so much, just let it go…
如果它不再是你的了 就請放手讓它走.... If it's no longer yours, just let go of your hands and let it go….
如果它有一天回來了 請好好珍惜愛它.... If it comes back one day please cherish and love it….
當你二十歲的時候，你醒來希望是愛情。 When you are 20, you wake up hoping for love.
當你三十歲的時候，你醒來希望是結婚。 When you are 30, you wake up hoping for marriage.
當你四十歲的時候，你醒來希望是成功。 When you are 40, you wake up hoping for success.
當你五十歲的時候，你醒來希望是富有。 When you are 50, you wake up hoping for wealth.
當你六十歲的時候，你醒來希望是知足。 When you are 60, you wake up hoping for contentment.
當你七十歲的時候，你醒來希望是健康。 When you are 70, you wake up hoping for health.
當你八十歲的時候，你只希望能醒過來。 When you are 80, you wake up hoping you will be able to wake up.
如果你愛什麼很多 就讓它走吧... If you love something so much, just let it go…
如果它不再是你的了 就請放手讓它走.... If it's no longer yours, just let go of your hands and let it go….
如果它有一天回來了 請好好珍惜愛它.... If it comes back one day please cherish and love it….
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Two nuns
Two nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Marriage Humor:
Marriage Humor:
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expired date.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
________________________________________________________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' _____________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expired date.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
________________________________________________________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' _____________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The ABCs Of Marketing....
The ABCs Of Marketing....
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Source: Unknown
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Source: Unknown
Of Comdoms, sex, marriage and.....
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR...... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Source: Unknown
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR...... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Source: Unknown
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Live to be 80 ??
Live to be 80 ??
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?
Souece: Unknown
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?
Souece: Unknown
THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!
THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!
One word or two? From a cheeky friend.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Source: Unknown
One word or two? From a cheeky friend.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Source: Unknown
Monday, November 09, 2009
4 WIVES.....This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This email was sent to me by a friend............ 4 wives
This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This is something to think about: 4 WIVES
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!
*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:
Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Cheers!
This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This is something to think about: 4 WIVES
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!
*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:
Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Cheers!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Love-locked girl chained
Macam macam can happen? What has happen to the world this days? Are humans no different from animals?
==============================
Love-locked girl chained
Monday, 12 October 2009 10:50
KUCHING – It is a treatment that even animal lovers will not give their pets.
A man from Bandar Baru Semariang, near here, was found to have kept his step-daughter in chains to prevent the 20-year-old woman from meeting her boyfriend.
She somehow managed to free herself and has lodged a police report against her captor here on Saturday.
The woman claimed that her mother and stepfather, a foreign national, had taken her away from the boyfriend’s house at Kampung Rampangi in Santubong and forced her to return to their home in Semariang Friday night.
The couple then shackled her legs with chains to prevent her from leaving the house. The stepfather secured the chains with a padlock.
Freed herself from the clutches
However, the young woman was able to free herself and sneaked out of the house. She then hitched a ride with a motorcyclist, who took her to the boyfriend’s house.
Her 21-year-old boyfriend, a construction worker, then accompanied her to lodge a police report.
The pair had been living together for about a year and were planning to get married.
“I could not believe that her stepfather could resort to such an act, as only animals are chained up,” the boyfriend told reporters.
He said the stepfather had objected to his relationship with his stepdaughter and claimed that the man had assaulted them before.
==============================
Love-locked girl chained
Monday, 12 October 2009 10:50
KUCHING – It is a treatment that even animal lovers will not give their pets.
A man from Bandar Baru Semariang, near here, was found to have kept his step-daughter in chains to prevent the 20-year-old woman from meeting her boyfriend.
She somehow managed to free herself and has lodged a police report against her captor here on Saturday.
The woman claimed that her mother and stepfather, a foreign national, had taken her away from the boyfriend’s house at Kampung Rampangi in Santubong and forced her to return to their home in Semariang Friday night.
The couple then shackled her legs with chains to prevent her from leaving the house. The stepfather secured the chains with a padlock.
Freed herself from the clutches
However, the young woman was able to free herself and sneaked out of the house. She then hitched a ride with a motorcyclist, who took her to the boyfriend’s house.
Her 21-year-old boyfriend, a construction worker, then accompanied her to lodge a police report.
The pair had been living together for about a year and were planning to get married.
“I could not believe that her stepfather could resort to such an act, as only animals are chained up,” the boyfriend told reporters.
He said the stepfather had objected to his relationship with his stepdaughter and claimed that the man had assaulted them before.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
What is happening to our society these days? Sad isn't it?????? Will expelling the girl from school help her?
===============thestar=========
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
A FORM Two student claimed that she became addicted to sex after being raped by a 40-year-old man.
The girl, who only wanted to be known as Roslina, related to Metro Ahad that since the incident, she would have sex with up to eight partners at the same time in the storeroom of her school.
She said she lost her self-esteem after being raped by the man, who was never arrested despite a police report being lodged against him by her family.
“I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and got more and more into sex,” she said in between tears.
She said she became addicted to sex, hence her penchant for having multiple partners at the same time.
According to her, this went on for four months before the school authorities expelled her and the other students who were caught in the act.
===============thestar=========
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
A FORM Two student claimed that she became addicted to sex after being raped by a 40-year-old man.
The girl, who only wanted to be known as Roslina, related to Metro Ahad that since the incident, she would have sex with up to eight partners at the same time in the storeroom of her school.
She said she lost her self-esteem after being raped by the man, who was never arrested despite a police report being lodged against him by her family.
“I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and got more and more into sex,” she said in between tears.
She said she became addicted to sex, hence her penchant for having multiple partners at the same time.
According to her, this went on for four months before the school authorities expelled her and the other students who were caught in the act.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Ha ha ha see who got the last laugh. Some man just their brains between the balls.
==============MalaysianMirror======================
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Sunday, 11 October 2009 13:24
JEDDAH - A Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television, in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom.
Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program.
His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia, where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public.
Friends also punished
King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms.
Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each.
LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows.
Used his cellphone to pick up girls
Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls.
A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term.
"Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday.
Could have been given death penalty
Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty. Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion.
Abdul-Jawad's brother said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society.
"Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency," said the brother, who asked not to be named
==============MalaysianMirror======================
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Sunday, 11 October 2009 13:24
JEDDAH - A Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television, in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom.
Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program.
His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia, where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public.
Friends also punished
King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms.
Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each.
LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows.
Used his cellphone to pick up girls
Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls.
A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term.
"Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday.
Could have been given death penalty
Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty. Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion.
Abdul-Jawad's brother said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society.
"Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency," said the brother, who asked not to be named
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