思想轉換 - 心態的力量

思想轉換 - 心態的力量The strength of mindset

女兒向父親抱怨，事事都很艱難。A daughter complains toward the father, everything is difficult.

她不知如何應付生活，好像一個問題剛剛解決，新的問題又會出現，她有些厭倦。She finds it hard to cope with life, seem a problem just resolve, the new problem appeared again, she was tired.

父親是一位廚師，把她帶進廚房。Her father is a cook, bring her into the kitchen..

他先往三口鍋裡倒入一些水，然後放在旺火上。He goes toward first to pour into some waters in 3 pots, then puts on the fire.

不久，水開了。Soon, water boiling.

他往第一口鍋裡放一些胡蘿蔔，第二口鍋裡放入雞蛋，第三口鍋裡放入碾成粉末的咖啡豆。He put some carrots in the first pot, put an egg into the second pot, put some coffee powder into the third pot.

20分鐘後，父親把火關了，把胡蘿蔔撈出來，放入一個碗內，把雞蛋撈出來，放入一個鍋內，然後把咖啡舀到一個杯子裡。 20 minutes later, father off the fire, take out the carrot. Go to the second pot take out the egg, and then ladling up the coffee to a cup.

父親轉身問女兒： The father turned to ask his daughter:

「孩子，你看到了什麼？」'Kid, what do you come in sight of?'

「胡蘿蔔，雞蛋，咖啡。」她說。「Carrot, egg, coffee」She say.

他讓她靠近一些，摸摸胡蘿蔔。 He lets her come closer to touch the carrot.

她注意到他它們變軟了。She noticed the carrot become soft.

父親又讓女兒拿一個雞蛋，打破它，剝掉殼，這是一個煮熟的雞蛋。The father lets the daughter take the egg, breaking it, peel the egg shell,this is a cooked egg.

最後，父親讓她喝了一口咖啡。Last, the father lets her drink a mouthful of coffee.

嘗到濃濃的咖啡，女兒笑了，怯聲問道：Taste to the very thick coffee, the daughter smile, she asked:

「父親，這意味著什麼？」 'Father, what does this mean?'

父親說，三樣東西面臨同樣的逆境——煮沸的開水。 The father says three things face same adverse circumstances-boiling water.

但其反映各不相同。But its reflection is not same.

胡蘿蔔入鍋前是強壯的、結實的，放進開水，它變軟了、變弱了。 The carrot, before put in to the pot, it is strong and hard, after putting into the boiled water, it become soft,become weak.

雞蛋原來是易碎的，薄薄的外殼保護著液態的內臟，開水一煮，內臟變硬。The egg is originally crumbly, the very thin outer shell protects the internal organs of the liquid, once the boiled water cook, the internal organs become hard.

粉狀咖啡豆則很獨特，進入沸水，它們便改變了水。 The coffee bean powder then is very special, entering boiling water, they changed the water then.

在艱難和逆境前，可以學胡蘿蔔、雞蛋和咖啡豆，可以屈服，也可以變得更堅強——甚至，可以改變環境。 We can learn how carrot,egg and coffee bean react in the difficulties and adverse circumstances. They can accept defeat, can become stronger, and even can change environment/surrounding.

父親說：The father say:

你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己； Your cannot change the environment, but can change yourself;

你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；Your cannot change the fact, but can change an attitude;

你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；Your cannot change the past, but can change the present;

你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；You have no command over others, but can control yourself;

你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；You can't predict tomorrow, but can hold on today;

你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；You can't be doing smooth and well in everything, but can devote your best effort;

你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；You can't change weather, but can change a mood;

你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；You can't change facial appearance, but can emerge with smiling face;

是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。Yes, the mindset sometimes is important compares with others

Getting Old ...

Getting Old ...



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wedding Ring

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha

Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...

The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,

Cheng Lee

Jokes for your amusement !

Jokes for your amusement !

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you..
It's only when you leave her a virgin.

Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are Not responsible 4 both!


The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating.. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!

Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?> To see if you really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!

This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!

The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.

If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.

And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

What's the diff between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.

Have a good day!

CAR TROUBLE

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACCUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

SINGH JOKES

SINGH JOKES

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'

=============================================

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' (RelaxSingh)
Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

==============================================

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'

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Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'

jokes

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so hethought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "

Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.

You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

Seven secret of success

人 啊！

人 啊！
Man, O Man!

沒錢的時候，養豬；有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;When have money, dine in fine restaurant.

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;When have money, wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;When with money, act like poor man.

人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.

過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous

人生是什麼?
What is life about?


1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority10
歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority20
歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority30
歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority40
歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority50
歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority60
歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority70
歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority80
歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority90
歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority100
歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

It Sucks to Get Old

It Sucks to Get Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

人 生 流 程 Life's Process

人 生 流 程 Life's Process

當你二十歲的時候，你醒來希望是愛情。 When you are 20, you wake up hoping for love.

當你三十歲的時候，你醒來希望是結婚。 When you are 30, you wake up hoping for marriage.

當你四十歲的時候，你醒來希望是成功。 When you are 40, you wake up hoping for success.

當你五十歲的時候，你醒來希望是富有。 When you are 50, you wake up hoping for wealth.

當你六十歲的時候，你醒來希望是知足。 When you are 60, you wake up hoping for contentment.

當你七十歲的時候，你醒來希望是健康。 When you are 70, you wake up hoping for health.

當你八十歲的時候，你只希望能醒過來。 When you are 80, you wake up hoping you will be able to wake up.

如果你愛什麼很多 就讓它走吧... If you love something so much, just let it go…

如果它不再是你的了 就請放手讓它走.... If it's no longer yours, just let go of your hands and let it go….

如果它有一天回來了 請好好珍惜愛它.... If it comes back one day please cherish and love it….

Thought for the day

Source: Unknown

Two nuns

Two nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Marriage Humor:

Marriage Humor:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expired date.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
________________________________________________________

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' _____________________________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

The ABCs Of Marketing....

The ABCs Of Marketing....


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?

This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.

In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Source: Unknown

Of Comdoms, sex, marriage and.....

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR...... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!


Source: Unknown

Live to be 80 ??

Live to be 80 ??

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?


Souece: Unknown

THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!

THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!

One word or two? From a cheeky friend.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Source: Unknown

4 WIVES.....This is a very Nice One....with a strong message

This email was sent to me by a friend............ 4 wives

This is a very Nice One....with a strong message

This is something to think about: 4 WIVES

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.

He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.

The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:

Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...

Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Cheers!

Old Town Kopitam in Melbourne

Aussie Land - Melbourne Uni

Love-locked girl chained

Macam macam can happen? What has happen to the world this days? Are humans no different from animals?

==============================
Love-locked girl chained

Monday, 12 October 2009 10:50
KUCHING – It is a treatment that even animal lovers will not give their pets.
A man from Bandar Baru Semariang, near here, was found to have kept his step-daughter in chains to prevent the 20-year-old woman from meeting her boyfriend.
She somehow managed to free herself and has lodged a police report against her captor here on Saturday.
The woman claimed that her mother and stepfather, a foreign national, had taken her away from the boyfriend’s house at Kampung Rampangi in Santubong and forced her to return to their home in Semariang Friday night.
The couple then shackled her legs with chains to prevent her from leaving the house. The stepfather secured the chains with a padlock.
Freed herself from the clutches
However, the young woman was able to free herself and sneaked out of the house. She then hitched a ride with a motorcyclist, who took her to the boyfriend’s house.
Her 21-year-old boyfriend, a construction worker, then accompanied her to lodge a police report.
The pair had been living together for about a year and were planning to get married.
“I could not believe that her stepfather could resort to such an act, as only animals are chained up,” the boyfriend told reporters.
He said the stepfather had objected to his relationship with his stepdaughter and claimed that the man had assaulted them before.

Form Two student addicted to sex after rape

What is happening to our society these days? Sad isn't it?????? Will expelling the girl from school help her?

===============thestar=========
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
A FORM Two student claimed that she became addicted to sex after being raped by a 40-year-old man.
The girl, who only wanted to be known as Roslina, related to Metro Ahad that since the incident, she would have sex with up to eight partners at the same time in the storeroom of her school.
She said she lost her self-esteem after being raped by the man, who was never arrested despite a police report being lodged against him by her family.
“I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and got more and more into sex,” she said in between tears.
She said she became addicted to sex, hence her penchant for having multiple partners at the same time.
According to her, this went on for four months before the school authorities expelled her and the other students who were caught in the act.

Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex

Ha ha ha see who got the last laugh. Some man just their brains between the balls.


==============MalaysianMirror======================
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex


Sunday, 11 October 2009 13:24
JEDDAH - A Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television, in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom.
Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program.
His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia, where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public.
Friends also punished
King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms.
Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each.
LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows.
Used his cellphone to pick up girls
Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls.
A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term.
"Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday.
Could have been given death penalty
Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty. Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion.
Abdul-Jawad's brother said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society.
"Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency," said the brother, who asked not to be named

Careful what you tell your foreign staff

Careful what you tell your foreign staff
To:




The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.


Grand Prize USD50,000.00

Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."


First Prize USD25,000.00

Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later, immigrant worker shows up at work:
"Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

9 Consolation Prizes USD10,000.00 each


1.After sex, a newly-wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

2. Women's lives are hard.
Morning, wash clothes.
Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes.
Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes.
After midnight, find clothes.

3. Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?"
All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?"
All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?"
All nuns rose.

4. A Sad story
A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said,
"Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

5. Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

6. A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

7. Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

8. Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

9. Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation..
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

THE BROTHEL...

THE BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.."I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam..

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh.""Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

BAD THOUGHTS MAKE A BAD BOY..

BAD THOUGHTS MAKE A BAD BOY..

Holy crap…funny stuff!!! Too many favorites…

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Indian goes shopping...

Indian goes shopping...

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious.. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot? The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”

History of the Middle Finger

History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before and now that I knowit, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in thehope that they, too, will feel edified.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTETO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Choosing a wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Why why why

I used to live in Taman Tun Dr Ismail some 8 years ago. Very quite and safe place so I thought. I thought that it is a safe place and with the fence around us it would be safe to leave the grill and door open. My wife used to grumble and ask me to lock the grill when in the house. Being stubborn just refused to listen and told her off that it was inconvinent to get in and out of the house and TTDI is very safelah.

One day during the Deepavali Holiday about 7.00 pm, three Chinese men climbed over the fence and robbed us with parang. Just imagine the tremor of all those in the house had gone through. ie me, my wife. my one year old son, the maid and my two brother in laws.

The robbers pushed all in the middle room and tied us all up. Luckly preading, they did not tied up my wife as she said that she had to take care on my son.

They ransacked the whole house and even asked for the pin code of all my ATM card. Later one of the robbers went out to the bank and withdrew the cash with two other guarding.

They managed to get about RM10k. They spent about 2 hours and warned not to call the police only after half an hour.

Do you all think that TTDI is as 'safe' as 8 years ago?

I only wanted to be convinent to come in and out of the house and looks like it is also convinent for the robbers too.

I have learned the hard way and luckly nothing happened to all of us at that time.

It is better be like a trapped bird rather than the 'bird' being eaten by the 'cat'.

Do your part contribute a little for the safety of the neighbourhood.

IT IS BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.




------------------------------------------------
Like a bird trapped in a cage
I AM writing this to express my displeasure over the recent happenings at my residence of 20 years.
I am a resident of Jalan Datuk Sulaiman Phase 5C in Taman Tun Dr Ismail, Kuala Lumpur. My family and I moved in when the house was ready for occupation in 1989.
Since July 1, the whole row of houses in Jalan Datuk Sulaiman Phase 5C and Phase 5A have been cordoned off by security guards.
This was initiated by a few residents who were robbed of their cars and threatened at knife-point prior to this. They managed to garner the support of most residents along the road to have the service.
Not only did they put blocks at both ends of the road, they also put up gates at three passage points linking us to the next row of houses in Jalan Datuk Sulaiman 3.
By doing so, they have effectively reduced the freedom of movement along this road not only for me and my family but also for those who did not sign up for the service. Unfortunately, this constitutes a small minority (only about five houses but we are the pioneer residents along the road).
Now every time I want to enter or exit my home, I have to get the permission of these guards. The residents who signed up for the service were given car stickers (which gave them instant access) and those without the stickers are stopped and queried. This makes it very difficult for my visitors and regular vendors.
I used to enjoy walks around the whole of Jalan Datuk Sulaiman area but it seems this is not possible any longer. Do these people have the right to cut off access to the paths linking to other roads? Now, I feel like a bird living in a cage.
I would like to know if Kuala Lumpur City Hall has rules about converting residences to a gated community by a majority vote among residents. Remove the gates and replace them with CCTVs if security is an issue.
Having stayed in the same house for two decades, this recent turn of events is something hard to swallow.

LONG-TIME RESIDENT, Taman Tun Dr Ismail

Cowboy: Hi what's your name?

Cowboy: Hi what's your name?

Girl: My name is Carol, my friends call me Carmen.

Cowboy:?????

Girl: I just love car & men and the name just stuck.

Cowboy: By the way, my friends call me Beerfuck.

Story: A Cowboy & A Lesbian

Story: A Cowboy & A Lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?

'He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.

'She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, another man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?

'He replied.....'I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS, BUT I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I'M A LESBIAN'.

*****************Story by Jefus*******************

Jokes

The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A..

Grand Prize USD50,000.00

Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.Mom asked "How do you know dear?"Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."2 hours later, immigrant worker shows up at work:"Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

9 Consolation Prizes USD10,000.00 each

1. After sex, a newly-wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

2. Women's lives are hard.
Morning, wash clothes.
Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes.
Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes.
After midnight, find clothes.

3. Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass: "Anyone got a cock?"
All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?"
All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?"
All nuns rose.

4. A Sad story
A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said,
"Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

5. Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

6. A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

7. Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

8. Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

9. Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought.

Source unknown as sent by email by a friend

New Cheating Scam

Recieved this email from a friend...... please take note.





Hi Friends, this is worth your time reading , so real....!! Thanks CK for this alert... A few days ago, one of my friends received a sms with the message:You've strike 1st prize with a prize moneyof RMB 200,000 cash. The sms came with a contact no. My friend ignored itsince he had heard of too many bogus scamsusing similar tactics.

After a short while his handphone rang, a MissFang asked: "Sir have youreceived a sms telling you that you'vestrike 1st prize?"

My friend answered: "Yes, I have"

Miss Fang: "Please let us have your bank account number so that we can deposit the money into your account."

My friend thought, why not, let's see what you can do. My friend has a buddy who works in that bank. Hence, he gave her his accound number.

Ten minutes later, my friend's handphone started ringing again.

Miss Fang said: "Sir, we have deposited your prize money into youraccount, please check and verify."My friend checked using his handphone and found that RMB 200,000 was really deposited into his account. He was euphoric, just like that and he's RMB 200,000 richer!
30 minutes later, Miss Fang called again.

She was crying: "I'm sorry sir, I made a mistake, I forgot to deduct the tax before I deposited the prize money, 20% of RMB 200,000 equals to RMB40,000. Now the company wants me to reimburse the money.

Can you please return the RMB 40,000 tax? I beg you."

My friend thought for a while and felt pity for the lady. Thinking of the money in his bank account, he went to the bank.

Suddenly he thought of his buddy working in that bank and decided to askhis buddy to double check and confirm for him first.

Upon checking, his buddy found out that the money was deposited using a cheque of a different bank.

Even though the cheque was deposited but the actual amount of money can'tbe transfered into his account on the same day. If the other party decided to cancel the cheque, then he'll not get this RMB 200,000.

My friend was shocked. He almost lost RMB 40,000.

Before my friend left for home on that day, the cheque was actually cancelled. If not for his buddy, if not for him being a professional.or if he was scare of letting others know of striking the prize then this bogus scam would be successful. This is a true story, please beware.

Future scams could be even better planned. Please don't forget to forward to your friends and relatives to warn themfrom being cheated.

MANGOSTEEN (Garcinia mangostana)

MANGOSTEEN (Garcinia mangostana)

One of the Super Healthy Exotic Fruits The Mangosteen Fruit from Southwest Asia

The Mangosteen (Garcinia mangostana in Latin) plant is a tropical evergreen tree, believed to have originated in the Sunda Islands and the Moluccas. It was first discovered in Burma and Siam (now known as Thailand). The tree grows from 7 to 25 meters tall. This exotic edible Mangosteen fruit is a deep reddish purple when ripe. In Asia, the Mangosteen fruit is known as the "Queen of Fruits".

The Mangosteen tree requires a warm, very humid, equatorial climate all year round. Many people have tried to grow Garcinia mangostana in warm places such as California and Florida or in special greenhouses outside South East Asia, but they experienced little success because of the different environmental factors. The Mangosteen tree requires abundant moisture and only grows well in a tropical environment.

The Mangosteen fruit grown in Thailand is harvested in the season of optimum ripeness for maximum efficacy. The xanthone rich pericarp (the outer rind) is then separated from the pulp and freeze-dried.

The outer shell or rind of the Mangosteen fruit (called the pericarp) is rather hard, typically 4 to 6 centimeters in diameter, resembling a spherical, reddish-black, cartoon-style bomb. By cutting through the shell, one finds a very pale and fleshy fruit 3 to 5 centimeters in diameter. Depending on its size and ripeness, there may or may not be pits in the segments of the fruit. The number of fruit pods is directly related to the number of petals on the bottom of the shell. Commonly, the average Mangosteen will have 5 fruit pods.

The shell of the Mangosteen fruit looks tough and hard, but is easy to open. Care must be taken when opening the fruit, as the reddish-black husk outside produces a purplish, inky juice that stains fabric and can be almost impossible to remove (the reason why they are banned from some hotels in countries where they are available). To open a Mangosteen, the shell is usually broken apart, not cut. Holding the fruit in both hands, press it gently (thumbs on one side, the other fingers on the other) until the shell cracks. It is then very easy to pull the halves apart along the crack and remove the fruit without staining.

One of the most-praised of tropical fruits, and certainly the most-esteemed fruit in the family Guttiferae, the Mangosteen (Garcinia mangostana in Latin) is almost universally known or heard of by this name. But there are numerous variations in nomenclature: among Spanish-speaking people the fruit is called mangostan; to the French it is mangostanier, mangoustanier, mangouste or mangostier; in Portuguese it is mangostao, mangosta or mangusta; in Dutch it is manggis or manggistan; in Vietnamese it is mang cut; in Malaya it may be referred to in any of these languages or by the local terms mesetor, semetah, or sementah; and in the Philippines it is mangis or mangostan. Throughout the Malay Archipelago of Malaysia, there are many different spellings of names for Mangosteen similar to most of those mentioned above.

Health Benefits of Mangosteen Fruit (Garcinia mangostana)

Traditional Medicinal Uses:

For hundreds of years, the people of Southeast Asia have used the Mangosteen, especially the rind (called the pericarp, to ward off and treat infections, reduce pain or control fever, and treat various other ailments.

Dried Mangosteen fruits are shipped from Singapore to Calcutta and to China for medicinal use. The sliced and dried pericarp (rind) is powdered and administered to overcome dysentery. Made into an ointment, it is applied on eczema and other skin disorders.

The rind decoction is taken to relieve diarrhea and cystitis, gonorrhea and gleet, and is applied externally as an astringent lotion. A portion of the rind is steeped in water overnight and the infusion given as a remedy for chronic diarrhea in adults and children.

Filipinos employ a decoction of the leaves and bark as a febrifuge and to treat thrush, diarrhea, dysentery and urinary disorders.

In Malaya an infusion of the Mangosteen leaves, combined with unripe banana and a little benzoin, is applied to the wound of circumcision. A root decoction is taken to regulate female menstruation. A bark extract called amibiasine has been marketed for the treatment of amoebic dysentery.

Modern Medicinal Uses and Health Benefits:

The latest in scientific research shows Mangosteen contains a class of naturally occurring polyphenolic compounds known as xanthones. Xanthones provide beneficial effects on cardiovascular diseases, including ischemic heart disease, atherosclerosis, hypertension, and thrombosis. Xanthones demonstrate particularly powerful antioxidant properties. Xanthones are found in a limited number of rain forest plants, but nowhere are they found in greater abundance than in the rind of the Mangosteen fruit. The medicinal properties of the Mangosteen fruit are derived mainly from its outer rind or peel, not from the fleshy inner part of the fruit. The rind, called the pericarp, is where powerful antioxidants are highly concentrated. The Mangosteen pericarp is about a half-centimeter thick and is green when unripe, then dark purple when ripe.

These unique antioxidants, known as Xanthones, have properties which help to heal cells damaged by free radicals, slow aging, and ward off degenerative diseases and physical and mental deterioration. The rind of partially ripe Mangosteen fruit yields a polyhydroxy-xanthone derivative termed mangostin, also beta-mangostin. That of fully ripe fruits contains the xanthones gartanin, beta-disoxygartanin, and normangostin. According to research reported in professional journals such as Free Radical Research and the Journal of Pharmacology, these amazing Xanthones have a remarkablly beneficial effect on cardiovascular health. They are also naturally antibiotic, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory. Xanthones are among the most powerful antioxidants to be found in nature.

Many of the other health benefits of Xanthones from Mangosteen pericarp can be expressed in terms of how they act against or are "anti" various serious ailments...

anti-fatigue,

anti-obesity,

anti-depression,

anti-anxiety,

anti-vertigo (dizziness),

anti-Alzheimer’s,

anti-Parkinsonism (Parkinson's Disease),

anti-allergenic,

anti-seborrheic (skin disease),

anti-glaucoma (eye disease),

anti-pyretic (anti-fever), anti-diarrhea,

anti-periodontic (gum disease),

anti-pain (such as dental pain),

anti-neuralgia (nerve pain),

anti-arthritis,

anti-inflammatory (act as cox-2 inhibitors like the pharmaceutical drugs Vioxx(tm) and Celebrex(tm), but without the deadly side-effects), and

anti-ulcer (such as ulcers of the stomach, mouth, small bowel, or large bowel).

Some of the Xanthones in the Mangosteen pericarp have powerful anti-inflammatory properties which may be of interest to those who suffer the pain of sciatica and peripheray neuropathy, which cannot be effectively controlled by drug treatments. The amount of Mangosteen consumed per day may need to be increased by two or three times to support pain relief through its anti-inflammatory and cox-2 inhibitor effects.

Mangosteen fruit also shows vasorelaxant properties (causing dilation of blood vessels and increased blood flow).

With Mycobacterium tuberculosis (TB) and Staphylococcus aureus (Staph. A) bacteria, Mangosteen has shown inhibitory action against these harmful bacteria organisms. In addition to its antibacterial properties, Mangosteen fruit also demonstrates strong antifungal properties. It is highly effective in boosting weak immune systems.

There are several compounds found in the Mangosteen that appear to make this fruit so active as a nutritional component for the body.

Research and References NOTES: In the following citations of research studies, the medical term apoptosis refers to "cell death" after a cell has reproduced a certain number of times, then dies naturally (here, it refers to the death of cancer cells). Induction of apoptosis means "initiating apoptosis" of the cancer cells. HIV-1 refers to the AIDS virus. Low density lipoptrotein refers to "LDL cholesterol", the "bad cholesterol" that can form plaque in the arteries and increase the risk of heart disease or death by stroke or heart attack. Jiang, D.J. e. al. Pharmacological effects of xanthones as cardiovascular protective agents. Cardiovascular Drug Reviews, 2004, 22(2):91-102 Antiproliferation, antioxidation and induction of apoptosis by Garcinia mangostana on SKBR3 human breast cancer cell line. J. Ethnopharmacol, 2004 Jan:90(1):161-6 Induction of apoptosis by xanthones from mangosteen in human leukemia cell lines. J. Nat Prod. 2003 Aug;55(8):1124-7 Evaluation of the antifungal activity of natural xanthones from Garcinia mangostana and their synthetic derivatives. J. Nat Prod 1997 May; 60 (5):519-24 Active constituents against HIV-1 protease from Mangosteen. Planta Med 1996 Aug;62(4):381-2 Mangostin inhibits the oxidative modification of human low density lipoprotein. Free radical Research. 1995 Aug.:23(2):175-84

http://www.astrologyzine.com/mangosteen-fruit.shtml

Scoring brownie points....

Just read the news below........... Can you all guest who is trying to score some brownie points for their own political mileages? The news are reported in mainstream newspaper.........


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Lim making a mountain out of a molehill, says Gerakan
GEORGE TOWN: Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng’s reason for moving into a rented, luxury bungalow because his official residence is infested with termites and fire ants is a “flimsy excuse”, says Gerakan.
Its state Youth vice-chairman H’ng Khoon Leng said Lim was not being transparent on the location of his new residence, tenancy agreement, deposit or the bungalow’s renovation costs.
“If he can’t resolve minor problems plaguing Seri Teratai (Lim’s official residence), how can he govern Penang successfully?” he said in a statement yesterday.
He said Lim should make public the contents of his tenancy agreement, who paid for the renovation costs and when, and the date he was expected to move back to Seri Teratai.
“Lim (Guan Eng) must practise the principle of transparency as advocated by himself. On behalf of Penangites, we seek clarification directly from the Chief Minister.
“Why does he shun publicity on his new, rented, luxury home when he is the head of government and a public figure, and has always craved for publicity?
“His reason about the homeowner wanting privacy is very weak and odd,” he added.
On Saturday Lim’s press secretary Cheong Yin Fan had issued a statement announcing that the Chief Minister had moved out of Seri Teratai, which was found to be unsafe.
He said an inspection carried out by NLC General Pest Control (North) on June 29 had found termite infestation in the building and parts of the roof, as well as the dining hall ceiling, main entrance and the underground air well chamber.
Besides termites, Cheong said, forest ants had also been found.
Lim had appealed to the media not to publish where he was staying to fulfil the house owner’s request for privacy.
He had also instructed the State Secretary’s office and the Public Works Department to conduct a study into the treatment and repair works for Seri Teratai.
He moved into the residence, formerly known as Rumah Tetamu, on June 21, last year.
Lim has refuted claims that he was renovating the house, saying:
“I rented the house. On whether or not it is being renovated, you have to ask the owner.
“I’m sure she must have done some renovation after she bought the place and if she had renovated it, that is her prerogative,” he told reporters after attending the Penang Medical College conferring ceremony in Hotel Equatorial yesterday.
Lim added that the attacks from Gerakan Youth were “undeserving of comment” and declined to say any more on the issue.

What is the problem with this?

Ha ha ha..... jealous lah not invited to the karaoke sessions. Ha ha ha ha is this possible. Singing in the girls hostel at night.....

First if there is a karaoke machine in the hostel all the students in the school will know and secondly if the is karaoke singing at night the whole neighbourhood will know because of the noise. This is becos the hostel rooms are not sound proof and if you sing softly mana ada kick.

If I were the hostel warden if not invited sure make noiselah.... I do not think the warden and other girls are asleep at 9.00pm. If not sure complaint or join in lah.......

Something just defy logic........


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PTA wants probe into karaoke-singing principal
PASIR PUTEH: Parents from a secondary school here want the authorities to probe claims that its principal has been holding karaoke sessions with female students at the girls’ hostel.
SM Tok Janggut Parent-Teacher Association chairman Datuk Mohd Jelani Jaafar said it had received numerous complaints on the matter, some of which were from the teachers themselves, and forwarded them to the district education office for further action.
He was commenting on reports that a female student was suspended from the hostel for a month after reporting the principal’s conduct to the school’s senior assistant for student affairs.
The student had claimed that she saw the principal frequenting the girls’ hostel between 9pm and 1am for karaoke sessions.
Mohd Jelani said that if the claims were true, it could tarnish the image of other principals and affect the students’ academic performance. — Bernama

Adult Jokes

Adult Jokes

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce..
She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."

Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out".
Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: "What are you doing?" Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the bastard!"

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!

A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted then before.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought U said 3 MALES a day!!!!

Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It.
If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!

A nun went 4 a urine test.
The sample got mixed up.
When the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She cried n said, "Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!"

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked " Do U have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, "
My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION".
Class Teacher: " Why not?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"

Mother asks daughter, how is married life? Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS. Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked. It says " 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!

What is the STRONGEST muscle?
TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!. The lightest muscle?
PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!

Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu..
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?
Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!

Man to wife: Business is bad, if u learn how to cook we can remove servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck, we can remove driver, gardener & watchman...

COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar.
You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?
Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face" !

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when both are pregnant!

Fanatics or fighting for rights.....

Is Hindraf a bunch of fanatics? Maybe. I used to respect the Hindraf but after the Kampung Buah Pala incident, I just conclude that they are a bunch of fanatics and self centered inviduuals. Instead of understanding the nature of the problem, they chose a dispicable way to solve the problem. Looks like the gomen is right in banning the Hindraf.


Hindraf’s anti-DAP protest fizzles out
By Neville Spykerman
PETALING JAYA, June 30 – A planned protest by the Hindu Rights Action Force (Hindraf) at DAP’s headquarters here fizzled out after 10 minutes when police moved in to disperse the protestors.
The 15 Hindraf members who had gathered to demonstrate against the imminent demolition of the Kampung Buah Pala settlement in Penang were outnumbered by both journalists and police personnel.
Hindraf coordinator K.Selvam, who led the protest, said they wanted the DAP-led Penang Government to honour their election promises and save the home of the 200 Indian settlers.
Ipoh Barat MP M. Kulasegaran and Sungkai Assemblyman A. Sivanesan arrived shortly after most of the protesters had dispersed but had a showdown with police when they attempted to speak to the Hindraf members who were still on the scene.
Tempers flared as police instructed both the DAP elected representatives to disperse.
However, Sivanesan invited the Hindraf members and media into the party headquarters.
“The protesters were just airing their legitimate concerns and the DAP were ready to hear them out,” he said.
DAP stalwart Lim Kit Siang, who arrived later from Parliament said he had left instructions for all party leaders to meet the Hindraf supporters, who had also planned simultaneous protests at all DAP headquarters in all states.
He blamed the problem on the previous Penang Gerakan state government which had sold the 2.6 hectare land to a private developer, at RM10 a square foot.
Lim said the developer is planning to build 490 condominium units and had estimated the development value to be RM150 million, leaving the present state government to deal with the mess.