Joke

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Twice Weekly

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

The penis size study: How do British men fare?

– / 1

01 October 2012 10:14 AM

Huffington Post

According to a new study, British men typically have bigger penises than their French counterparts, but are far short of Congo. Can you guess the average length?

The average penis size for a British man is apparently 5.5in when erect. (That's just short of the size of a small ruler, if you can remember back.)
Men from Africa's Republic of Congo find themselves at the top of the penis chain with an average length of 7.1in, and the shortest average can be found in North and South Korea at 3.8in.
In Europe, Icelanders are the most equipped at 6.5in and the Romanians are smallest - shortly followed by the Irish. Brits rank 78th out of 113 nationalities - bigger than French but not as large as Germans.
The research was carried out by Dr Richard Lynn, emeritus professor of psychology at Ulster University, for the scientific journal Personality and Individual Differences. Critics have claimed that the study is flawed, as he used some data from websites (well, critics in Korea, anyway).
Here are the average penis sizes in inches:
(The main thing to remember, guys, is that it's not the size, but what you do with it that counts.)

Republic of Congo, 7.1

Ecuador, 7

Ghana, 6.8

Colombia 6.7

Iceland 6.5

Italy 6.2

South Africa 6

Sweden 5.9

Greece 5.8

Germany 5.7

New Zealand 5.5

UK 5.5

Canada 5.5

Spain 5.5

France 5.3

Australia 5.2

Russia 5.2

USA 5.1

Ireland 5

Romania 5

China 4.3

India 4

Thailand 4

South Korea 3.8

North Korea 3.8

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/iv-drip/the-penis-size-study-how-do-british-men-fare-8192025.html

Third Grade Class

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

Reincarnation?

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

Sinned?????

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

Penis Died

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

TIMES UP

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads

10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike

9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President

8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor

6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor

5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male

4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President

3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick

2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One

1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash

Steiff Floppy Cat, lying - 5620/25

Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

Your nuts

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

11th Commandment

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Story of a Woman who just turned 47

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

Steiff Lamb (LAMBY), it is about 22 cm high (head).

The Ean no is 3462/22.

The lamb has a yellow tag and button.

It was produced from 1989 to 1990.

The lamb has a ribbon but no name tag.

The tail and right ear lose some wool. In the face, there is a gray spot, not sure whether is original or not.

The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Doggie Position

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

Steiff Molly Piff Groundhog Begging -EAN:0346/30

 

 

There is a large beaver brand Steiff

Size about 30 cm,

with button & flag

with black / brown eyes

softly stuffed

in good condition

Having shag?

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "I'm warming up your dinner!!"

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".

4. Lipstick on the mouse.

3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.

1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Wendy?

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

A gynecologist mechanic?

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

 

 

 

Steiff Floppy Cat, lying

EAN: 5620/25

First Year:

1983

Last Year:

1989

No tougue?????

There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.

He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist.

Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.

Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).

The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!

Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
"Yes, I did," replied Bill.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

Condom

This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box of large condoms to check out 10."

Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10."

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"