Friday, December 31, 2010

Hippie And The Nun

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

It’s The Dog’s Fault, I Swear!

A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he's also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl's house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.

At this point his stomach is turning and he's doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it's safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they'll think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks to himself, "Thank God! They think the dog did it." Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"

Obsessed Mothers And Their Children

A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," the doctor observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He looks to the 2nd mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He looks to the 3rd mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says... "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Queen Guinevere’s Chastity Belt

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless...

source email

No More Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

Source email

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Breakfast Is Kickin’

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet momma,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat(pussy) halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Source email

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Mortician’s Wife

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dear For Dinner

A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.

"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Bible School Cruise With A Laywer

There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest get ready a lifeboat for their escape.

The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"

In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyer says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"

Turn around

Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"

In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

Friday, December 24, 2010

Honey, I Found Your Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Cigarette Condoms

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says "what are you doing?" - and they say "we're saving it for later!"

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says "What size? small, medium, or large?" She said "I dont know... one to fit a camel?"

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Do You Believe In Ghosts?

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believein ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.

"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.

"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Source by email

Supper or soup

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for supper sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

Source email

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Mathematician’s Wife

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

Source email

What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Saturday, December 18, 2010

How To Impress A Woman

Let's face it. Men don't know anything about women. We sometimes claim to, but they're so damn complicated there's no telling what they're thinking or what they want. With the help of a large pool of people (however many would fit in the shallow end), we answer the age old question of how to a impress a woman (the man part was thrown in for good measure).

How to Impress A Woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her,
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Respect her.
Honour her.
Cuddle her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewellery.
Give her flowers.
Kiss her.
Caress her.
Love her.
Stroke her.
Tease her.
Comfort her.
Protect her.
Hug her.
Spend money on her.
Buy things for her.
Care for her.
Stand by her.
Support her.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

How To Impress A Man

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn't know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles."

Who Was First?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Source: by email

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Johnny and his play cards

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Why Married Couples Don’t Have Sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Jokes For Women, About Men

Alright, this goes against every male sperm in my body but, by popular request, it's got to be posted. Seems there's a rumor going around that we're sexist (maybe she meant to say sexy), but at any rate we're going to be burying that rumor right now (not the one about being sexy). Eh, lost a bit of my manhood on this one.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Not enough time.

Q: How does a man prove his ability to plan for the future?
A: By buying a case of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, it's never happened.

Q: Why are married women heavier than single Women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Source unknown

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Bra Sizes

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.

G - Gone South !

Source Unknown

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Geography Of Women

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade - especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70 they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Friday, December 10, 2010

FBI Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test.

For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

"Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

"Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."

Source unknown

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Solving your mid-life crisis

To set this up, I've been married for nearly 25 years. The other day I took a look at my wife said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV... but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night."

"Now, we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV... but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

"Now my wife is a very reasonable woman . She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be "living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

"Aren't older women grand? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Source unknown

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Love making tips for seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Source: by email

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Chosen by 'god' to recieve $7.5 million

Conman or conwoman is getting to much these days.

Now even use God's name and verses in Bible to con people.

I think 'god' will definitely be not happy about it.

Dear Beloved in Christ

Reply Mrs Linda Shirley
show details 5:58 PM (2 hours ago)

fromMrs Linda Shirley

date Sun, Dec 5, 2010 at 5:58 PM
subjectDear Beloved in Christ


Dear Beloved,

It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God & his mercies and glory upon my life.

I am Mrs. Linda J. Shirley the wife of Mr. Fred Shirley from Singapore, my husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco for twenty years before he died in the year 2001.We were married for ten years without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$7.5M.(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S.Dollars) with a Security Company in Nigeria Presently, this money is still with the Security company and the management just wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to sign for the release of this money or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf if I can not come over.Presently,I'm in a hospital in St George's Hospital,Blackshaw Road, United Kingdom where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations anywhere in the World. Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibilit

I want a person that is God fearing that will use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold-decision.I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going.

I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus {14 VS14} says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the security company, so that you can contact them directly for the release of the funds to you.

Mrs. Linda J. Shirley

Finding a perfect husband

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.

Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes... a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.

Source Unknown

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Baby in the stomach

A four year old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?

"She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is.

"Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next...

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then why did you eat him?"Sorece recieved by email

Sorece recieved by email

Friday, December 03, 2010

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Source recieved by email

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND contacted me regarding payment that I never made

IMF contacted me.... ha ha ha ha ha

How is this possible as I am a small fry?

I do not know that IMF has an office in Victoria Island.

If you Google for the Victoria Island, you will find the island is between Artic Ocean and the Barrents Sea. Yes, somewhere near the North Pole. Is this possible?

Ha ha ha ha ha another CON JOB.

100 Broad Street Main
Ave Victoria Island, 20004

Telephone Operator: +234-813-740-0020.
Busness Hours
Monday Friday: 8:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
(ET). Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays*: closed.

ATTENTION:This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been experiencing in getting your long over due payment due to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank officials and Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you.I am Mr. Brian Gold the Financial Counsellor and Director Monetary and Capital Markets Department, (I.M.F). I'm a highly placed official of the International Monetary Fund (I.M.F). It may interest you to know that reports have reached our office by so many correspondence on the uneasy way which people like you are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies across Europe to Africa and Asia and we have decided to put a stop to that and that is why i was appointed to handle your transaction here in Nigeria.All Governmental and Non-Governmental parasites, NGOs, Finance Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have been in contact with you of lately have been instructed to back off from your transaction and you have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since the I.M.F is now directly in charge of your payment.You are hereby advised NOT to remit further payment to any institutions with respect to your transaction as your fund will be transfered to you directly from our source. I hope this is clear. Any action contrary to this instructions is at your own risk.This office is now responsible for your payment across Europe to Africa and Asia, we the I.M.F @ the global regulatory service hereby advise you to put a stop on further communication with your foreign partner's in any of this continent as mention above. Your payment release will be handle from our office here in Nigeria, so make sure you are ready to finalize the release of your payment before contacting us. These Are The List of Five Names We Conducted There Transfer This Morning And It Was Successfull:* Mohammed Saheedi (United Arab Emirate)----National Bank of Abu Dhabi (UAE).* Alex Schloomer (Switzerland)----Amtsersparniskasse Schwarzenbu Bank (Switz).* Anita Babaman (Latvia)----Rigas Komercbanka Bank PLC (LAT).* Rudoff Peterson (United State of America)----First National Bank And Trust Company (U.S.A).* Suzuki Inhomotto Yamaha (Japan)----Mitsubishi UFJ Financial Group (JAP).If Your Name Is Among The List Of People Above,Which We Conducted There Transfer This Morning, Please Check Your Email For Your Wire Transfer Payment Confirmation Slip That Have Been Forwarded To Your Email This Morning And Confirm To Us If The Fund Has Reflected Into Your Nominated Bank Account As Provided Earlier.We Have Ten Names On Our Payment Schedule File On Record, If You Are Not On Our First Batch Then Be Patient Enough To Wait For The Second Five On Next To Transfer. Respond to this e-mail ( with immediate effect and we shall give you further details on how your fund will be released to you. Also it is very necessary and important that you send us an e-mail containing your vital informations as requested below so that you will be given an immediate response and directives on what to do next: Full Names:Address:City:Zip/Postal Code:State:Country:Present Occupation:Company Owner:Company Name:Gender:Age:Reachable Tel#/Mob:..............*No Voice Mail Service*Fax:The rest of your data's needed for your fund transfer will be requested directly from your bank manager.

Best Regard's,
Mr. Steve Reed
Financial Counsellor and Director Monetary and Capital Markets Department, IMF.INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND.

Bolehland's English Dictionary

In BolehLand anything can happen.

Latest definition of Malay supremacy = Malay Sultanate.

Just wonder there are such definition in the Oxford or Webster Dictionary.

Ha ha ha ha ha

Just wonder who has cow dung in the brain.

Nazri: Don’t question Malay supremacy
KUALA LUMPUR: The concept of ketuanan Melayu is about the status of Malay Rulers and not about racial supremacy, clarified Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz.
The Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department said PKR president Datin Seri Dr Wan Azizah Wan Ismail could be charged with sedition by disputing this and making the suggestion that the term be replaced by ketuanan rakyat.
Dismissing the concept, Nazri said Malaysia is not a republic.
“At the end of the day, the rakyat is not in complete control of the country. Yes, we have elections, but we also have the Sultans,” he told reporters at the Parliament lobby.
He warned Dr Wan Azizah that action would be taken against her if her statement was found to be seditious.
“It is seditious if she meant to create tension between the various races.
“This land had a sultanate for more than 100 years. So, actually, ketuanan Melayu is about them (the Rulers).
“It’s not about one race being better than others. That’s rubbish. It’s not about me Nazri or Najib being a Malay or that we’re better than others.”
Nazri said those who believe that ketuanan Melayu is about racial supremacy “have cow dung in their brains.”
He said the notion should not be confused with Malay privileges.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And God Said “Let There Be Bridge”

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."

Source: recieved by email

Weight Loss Plan

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Source: unknown

A cuckoo clock that talk, giggle and fart

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p***d off in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Source: recieved by email

A what?

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Source: a what?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sleep better with birth control pills

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor.

When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"

The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

Source: unknown

Play your age

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

Source : unknown

"What gender is a computer?"

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

Source unknown

Friday, November 26, 2010

Advice from daddy

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"

Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

Source: unknown

Game Of Intelligence

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Source: unknown

Save the best for supper

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Source: unknown

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Why I fired my secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


Source unknown.

Monday, November 22, 2010

How to Find Love

A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."

The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"

"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."

"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.

The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender's advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.

"What's the matter, sir, wasn't my advice effective?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I've ever met."

I don't understand. What's your problem then?"

"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife's the one is the problem now."

What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY

SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

My Boyfriend is Stuck

My Boyfriend is Stuck

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

(Thanks Madison)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

JokesL Chong Shan entered Standard four.

Subject: Chong Shan entered Standard four.

It was the first day of a school in Kulai, Johor and a new Chinese student named Chong Shan entered Standard four.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Malaysian History. Who said 'Merdeka, Merdeka
"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chong Shan who had his handup: 'Tengku Abdul Rahman, 31 August 1957' he said.

'Very good! Who said ' China ’s authoritarian rule is more effective than the ‘democracy’ practiced in Malaysia ?
''Again, no response except from Chong Shan. 'Mamakkutty from Kerala, 2010' he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Boys, you should be ashamed. Zhong Shan, who is a pendatang to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: '@#$** ___ the Chinese. ''Who said that?' she demanded. Chong Shan put his hand up. 'Perkasa Chief, Ibrahim Ali.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'yeah, I am Malay first, Malaysian second!
'Chong Shan jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Muhideen Mohd Yassin, 2010'.

At that point, a student in the back said, 'Correct, correct, correct!
'The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that? 'Again, Chong Shan says, 'Lawyer VK Lingam in a telephone conversation brokering the appointment of top judges with the former ChiefJustice.'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot compete with the Chinese and Indian students.'
Chong Shan frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Mamakkutty from Kerala in Medical College .'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chong Shan said quietly, 'I think it was Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan, 2008'.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Singapore Joke - Goddess and God

Singapore Joke - Goddess and God

A European tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed astatue, with two faces, a man and a woman, back to back, by the altar.

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.

The monk explained that in the Chinese belief of yin and yang,positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the statuewith two sides ensures that the universal balance is maintained.

"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."

"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.

"The one with the man's face is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Where is the logic?

Ha ha ha ha ha

Only locals do not want to get their hands dirty????

Foreign workers willing to? Funny isn't it?

How about working in a restaurant? Local also scare of dirty????

Where is the logic?

Locals don’t want to get their hands dirty
SUBANG JAYA: Foreign farm workers are necessary for the survival of the farming sector as locals are unwilling to take up such jobs.
Federation of Livestock Farmers Association Malaysia vice-president Lee Lee Kong said that this was because Malaysians are very choosy.
“They only want to work in comfortable environments,” Lee said.
He added that 70% of his farm workers happen to be foreigners from India, Bangladesh and Myanmar as locals refuse to take up such menial jobs.
“They (foreigners) are willing to stay in the farms and are very hardworking.
I have to admit, these jobs are very tough and you have to get your hands dirty,” said Lee.
He added that the proposal to reduce the number of foreign workers in Malaysia will have a great impact on the livestock sector.
Lee noted that farm workers are in fact paid higher wages than those working in factories.
“They (locals) still prefer to work in factories which are in urban centres compared to farms located in remote areas,” said Lee at the Alltech Draw My Farm Carnival award ceremony yesterday.
The government has been actively encouraging the development of the agricultural sector and promotion of food security, noted Lee.
“We hope more young people will venture into this industry,” he added.
Alltech general manager Dr Richard Chong said that young people entering the industry will have a very exciting future.
“There are lots of technological challenges in this industry.
“We need young entrepreneurs to develop new techniques,” said Dr Chong.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Aussie Humour

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are in Australia now and there is no "Mohammed".

From now on your name will be "Bruce" replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.

"How was your day Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not 'Mohammed'.

I am in Australia and now my name is 'Bruce'."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you." and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely too.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!..."

Monday, November 15, 2010

One of a kind parents

Some parents are one of a kind. Have they thought who will lose out later, their children who do not go to schools because of their sillyness.

If you are the the canteen operator, would you sell food when there is little demand for it?

Parents boycott school over canteen issue
Makkal Osai reported that parents have decided not to send their children studying in SJK (T) St Mary located within the Vision School complex in Parit Buntar to school after their request for a separate canteen was not entertained.
Parents said they had decided to take this drastic action after six years of struggle. They said that Tamil school pupils and teachers were finding it difficult to get vegetarian and Indian food.
They forwarded their request for a separate canteen to the Perak Education Department through the Parent-Teacher Association and also held a demonstration in front of the school on Sept 2.
Parents said that they were told that a separate canteen was against the Vision School policy.
Parents argued that other Vision Schools in USJ, Selangor and Bendut, Perak have separate canteens which were approved by the education department but their request was rejected.
They said that their children will only return to school once a separate canteen was allowed.

I won USD $1,525,000 today

Today I won lottery more that $1.5 million at a Texas lottery I did not join at all.

I have been 'winning' lottery everyday and at the rate it is going I will be a billionaire and my name will one be listed in the Fortune magazine. ha ha ha ha

Texas Lottery Winners

Reply Texas Lottery to me show details 9:33 PM (10 hours ago)
draw no. 17-30-48-51-54 PB: 29

Your e-mail has won you $1,525,000.00 ( One Million Five Hundred and Twenty Five Thousand United States Dollars) from the Texas International Lottery Random Electronic Email Balloting.


Texas Lottery Commission
P.O. Box 16630 Austin, TX 78761-6630,
United States of America.
Phone; +1-800-375-6886 +1 512-344-5000 +1 504-522-3100

Fax; 512-344-5080Email; ( or(

You are requested to contact any of our control center above with these information;
1) Your Name:
2)Contact Address:
4)Mobile No....

Lottery Notice Team. Winners must be 18 years or older

Disclaimer note on content of this message including enclosure(s) and attachments(s): The contents of this e-mail are the privileged and confidential material of TLB. The information is solely intended for the individual/entity it is addressed to. If you are not the intended recipient of this message,please be aware that you are not authorized in any which way whatsoever to read, forward, print,retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part of it. We apologize if you have received this e-mail in error and would request you to please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and delete it from your computer.The views expressed in this e-mail message are those of the individual sender,except where the sender expressly, and with authority, states them to be the views of VSNL.This e-mail message including attachment(s), if any, is believed to be free of any virus and TLB is not responsible for any loss or damage arising in any lost. All logos, text, content, including underlying HTML code, designs, and graphics used and/or depicted in this Internet web site are protected under United States and international copyright and trademark laws and treaties, and may not be used or reproduced without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission. The following are federally registered trademarks or service marks of the Texas Lottery Commission, certain of the logos or designs for which have also been registered with the U.S. Copyright Office as indicated by “and ©.” None of the following may be used without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission:

Sunday, November 14, 2010








Golf joke

Golf joke

2 guys playing golf.

The women in front of them are really taking own time and slowing the men.

So one man say to friend: "I'm goinna to ask those ladies if we can play through".

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around & walk back.

Surprised Friend ask "what happened?"

Man replies "one of those women is my wife and other is my mistress.!

"Eerh Why don't you go talk to them instead?"

So 2nd man starts to walk over.

He gets halfway there and turn around.

When he gets back, his friend ask now what happen?

His reply..... " small world".....

Saturday, November 06, 2010

First chicken pox now ulcer and gastritis and what is next....

Ha ha ha ha ha

First chicken pox now gastritis and what is next..........

ha ha ha ha ha ...............


Liow: Najib treated for minor ulcer and gastritis
KUALA LUMPUR: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak is in fine condition after undergoing further examination for minor ulcer and gastritis at the VIP ward, Kuala Lumpur Hospital (HKL) here.
Health Minister Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai said: “The Prime Minister’s ailment could probably be due to the chicken pox that he was suffering from for the past few days.
“I don’t know how long he would be warded because chicken pox takes quite a long time to recover from, that is up to seven or eight days.”
Liow spent about 50 minutes at the Prime Minister’s ward before leaving at 11.45am together with the Director-General of Health, Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican and Kuala Lumpur Hospital Director Datuk Dr Zaininah Mohd Zain.
Dr Mohd Ismail, in a statement said that an endoscopy was carried out on Najib and it showed that he had minor ulcer and gastritis.
Others who visited Najib yesterday included the Malaysian ambassador to the United States Datuk Seri Jamaluddin Jarjis. — Bernama

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Li Ka Shing sent me an email

Li Ka shing sent me an email.

Ha ha ha is this possible?

His Foundation uses a YAHOO email..... ha ha ha is this possible?

Can a Foundation be a venture capital firm????????

Equity Investment Venture
Reply Li Ka Shing show details 2:29 AM (3 hours ago)

Dear Entrepreneur,

Li Ka Shing Foundation is a venture capital firm specializing in growth capital investments. It seeks to invest in public and private securitiesin a broad range of areas including real estate, energy, oil and gas,emerging markets, and high-technology. Within the technology sector, the firm focuses on communications, software, and digital content andservices.

We wish to invest between $2Million-$20Million in any viable projects that your company requires funding on an investor capacity, On review of your company's Business Plan we shall determine on the projects possible funding. This will be a private and confidential Investments.

Endeavor to respond promptly if the investment proposal meets your company's Approval please reply to this

Kind Regards,
Li Ka Shing.
LKS Foundation
Address: 7/F Cheung Kong Center
2 Queen’s Road Central
Hong KongWebsite:

Winning $1 million without buying any products

Today is my lucky day. I just do not believe it. I just won one million dollar without buying and products or lottery ticket.

Do you all know that Coca Cola and British Tobacco Company organised this lucky draw? Is this possible? ha ha ha

Would you believe that this lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board, and why the prize money is paid in dollar instead of Stering pound is beyond my understanding?

There must be a lot of suckers around.... ha ha ha


We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (4TH of October, 2010) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won $1,000,000.00 each on the THE COCA COLA COMPANY PROMOTION. However the results were released on the 24th of october, 2010 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2007) and ballot number (BT:12052007/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of (29,031)E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.In other to claim your $1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank.

Name:Mr Frank Johnson
Phone # :+44 7024074773
FAX # : +44 (0) 810 678 0681

Your Sincerely,

Sir Milan Fist
Chairman Coca Cola Online International Promotion

Note:Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to,disqualification Anybody under the age of 16 cannot participate in this program.Do Not Reply To This Office As You Are To Contact The Promotion Manager with Your Informations To Enable Processing Of Winnings.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Another con email

Do you think anybody will fall for the below scam?

Ha ha ha......... who knows??????

diplomat is ready to meet you but stranded

Reply Dr. sule Aboki show details 8:17 AM (9 hours ago)

Dear friend,

We wish to inform you that the diplomatic agent conveying the consignment box valued the sum of $950,000 United States Dollars misplaced your address and he is currently stranded at the airport now. We required youre confirm the following information below so that he can deliver your consignment box to you today.

NAME: ====
ADDRESS: ========
MOBILE NO.========

Please do contact the diplomatic agent with the email below with theinformation required.

Contact Person: Diplomat Donald
Phone: 315-939-7706

NOTE: The Diplomatic agent does not know that the real content of the consignment box is $950,000 United States Dollars but was deface as family treasures for securities reasons and on no circumstances should you let him know the content. So never allow him to open the box and keep the cash for X mass feast.


Dr. Sule Aboki
Delivery company Manager

Monday, November 01, 2010

Just wonder how can my email won a lottery????

Ha ha ha ha

My email has just won a lottery of $ 1 million.

Email can also win a lottery.

Ha ha ha ha

SPORTS TOTO-Sweepstake Lottery.(MALAYSIA).


Ref. No: STSL/WIN/527/05/10/MYUKBatch. No: UKMY/454/3/09/010.


We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer balloting sweepstake held on 1st November, 2010. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used.

It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it. Your email address attached to Ticket No: MYUK/65/GD10 with Serial No: MYUK/727 drew the SPORTSTOTO Lucky No: 09,12,16,56,33 Extra(1009) which consequently won the draw in this very second category draw. You have been approve for the star prize of USD$1,000,000.00 (One Million UnitedStates Dollars ONLY).

CONGRATULATIONS!!!: The Sports TOTO lottery has discovered a huge number of double claims due to winners informing close friends relatives and third parties about their winning and also sharing their pin numbers. As a result ofthis, these friends try to claim the lottery on behalf of the real winners. The Sports TOTO lottery has reached a decision from headquarters that any double claim discovered by the Lottery Board will result to the cancelation of that particular winning, making a loss for both the double claimer and the real winner, as it is taken that the real winner was the informer to the double claimer about the lottery. So you are hereby strongly advised once more to keep your winnings strictly confidential until you claim your prize.

NOTE: Do not reply this mail. You are to contact your claims officer immediately. In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference number in every one of your correspondences. Hence, carefully provide the appropriate informations below for record purposesto facilitate our immediate commencement of your claims process.

*NAME OF BENEFICIARY: -------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*CITY/STATE: ----------------------
*SEX: -----------------------------
*EMAIL: ---------------------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*TELEPHONE: -----------------------
*OCCUPATION: ----------------------
*AGE: -----------------------------
*AMOUNT WON: ----------------------

A scanned copy of either your drivers lience or international passport*PHOTOPAGE* is also required for your identification purpose and the processing ofyour winnings ONLY.

To begin your claims, kindly contact your claims fiduciary agent in address below with all above informations as to enable the immediate processing of your winnings.

Tel: +60-1-632-76094

Be informed that your winning must be claimed not later than Seven (7) of this notice. Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, remember to quote your reference number and batch number in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Once again congratulations. Your email adress has brougt to you this unexpected luck.




Rev.Dr. Coral Brut.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

What this idiot is trying to prove?

What is this idiot is trying to prove.

First say that there is a superbug detected Tuesday 26 Oct.

Now say superbug won't cause infection. ha ha ha ha ha

Maybe we should call in Ultraman to fight the superbug.

Liow: Superbug won’t cause infection
SANDAKAN: There is no reason to panic over the antibiotic-resistant superbug, Health Minister Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai said.
“The superbug that we found will not cause any infection. It only colonises the body of the patient,” he said.
He had told reporters on Tuesday that a superbug had been detected in a 24-year-old woman, the first known case in Malaysia.
The patient has since recovered after being treated at the Ampang Hospital in Selangor.
Liow said that doctors must adhere to the ministry’s guidelines in prescribing antibiotics.
“Antibiotics must be prescribed accordingly as the superbug may become more resistant,” he said at the Karamunting community clinic health carnival here yesterday.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Is this really from Microsoft ????

Ha ha ha Is Microsoft getting desperate due to recession?

No, this is a scam using microsoft.

From the email address you know that this is a scam.

What will they think of next?

Attention;Beneficiary Winner Pin No:5388/10

Reply Mr Terry bledsoe

show details 10:10 AM (1 hour ago)

fromMr Terry bledsoe


todateSat, Oct 30, 2010 at 10:10

AMsubject Attention; Beneficiary Winner Pin No:5388/


Secret No:089188/10Winner Pin No:5388/10.

Microsoft Corporation EMAIL DRAW held 23rd October 2010. Your email address attach to ticket N0.089188/10 won £1000,000.00 GBP (ONE MILLION GREAT BRITISH POUNDS).

To begin your claims, kindly contact the events manager


PHONE:+447035993438 +4470457 26276


Mr Terry bledsoe
(Microsoft Award Promotion Coordinator).

Friday, October 29, 2010

I will be richer by USD$5.8 million

I do not know that I have relative(s) in Thailand.

But who cares, I am going to inherit $5.8 million.

I just do not understand why a bank should contact me. I thought it shoud be the aministrators of trust or executor of the estate of the decease.

But who cares, if it is money I am going to recieve I do not care where where it comes from.

Just wish me good luck.

I am going to be rich.....................

from Bank of Ayudhya Pcl,
todate Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 7:23 AM

subject: Bank of Ayudhya PLC,

Bank of Ayudhya PCL,
Bangkok Thailand Branch Office
No.3 Rajdamnern Avenue,
Bangkok 10200,
Kingdom of Thailand.

Dear Valued Beneficiary,
We at this bank wish to congratulate and inform you that after thorough review of your Inheritance/Contract funds transfer release documents in conjunction with the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund assessment report, your payment file was forwarded to us for immediate transfer of a part-payment $5,800,000.00 United State Dollars to your designated bank account from their offshore account with us.

We therefore advice that you stop further communication with any correspondence outside this office since you do not have to pay any money or fee to receive your funds as you have met up with the whole funds transfer requirements.

The only thing required from you is to obtain the Non-Residential Clearance Form to enable us credit your account directly by telegraphic transfer or through any of our corresponding banks and send copies of the funds transfer release documents to you and your bankers for confirmation.

All you have to do is to follow our directives, your funds will be credited and reflect in your bank account within five (5) bank working days from the day you obtain this Non-Residential Clearance Form.

For further details and assistance on this Remittance Notification, you are kindly advice to forward the following information.

Youre full Names:
Contact Address:
Telephone/Cell & Fax Numbers:
Country of Origin:

Immediately to Mr. Nelson Poonyawitt (

Mr. Nelson poonyawitt
Head of International Transfer Dept
Bank of Ayudhya PCL,
Thailand Registered in Thailand.
Registered No: 1026167.
Registered Office:
No.3 Rajdamnern Avenue Bangkok.
Bank of Ayudhya PLC,

Thailand is authorized and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Bank of Ayudhya PLC, Thailand adheres to the principles of the Banking Code.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door, wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes....

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.When he came in the door and saw me, he said,