Monday, November 28, 2011

A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, John! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John."

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Something Special For His Birthday

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"

Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.

So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

Saturday, November 26, 2011

50th Birthday Jokes

Just in case you've gotten so old you don't know if you've turned 50 years old yet, here are a few hints that you just might be over that hill... jokes if you will. And before you laugh, remember: we'll all get old eventually.

Top 10 Signs You're Over The Hill
1.When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
2.Your back goes out more than you do.
3.Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and aren't breaking any laws.
4.You wear black socks with sandals.
5.When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6.It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7.Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8.You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
9.Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
10.You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Famous Quotes About Getting Old
•I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
•At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
•Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
•When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
•A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman

Poem By Leo Rosenberg
First you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Friday, November 25, 2011

50 Bucks

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Bar Names

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Fight Like a Man

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,"Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!"

Monday, November 21, 2011

Gay Bar Blues

A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me eight double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had a hell of a day." "Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy comes into the bar and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another eight double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Bar Bet

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.

It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. "Your on!", he says.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Donkey

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".

"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Big 10 Incher

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Birthday Wife

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Devil's Match

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.

The Devil wanders across to the old man and says "Do you know how I am?" The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"

The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Fake Eye

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here - you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Good Reason

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Strongest Man

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Three Little Pigs

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Friday, November 11, 2011

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Drunk Thief

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Eileen Who?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

Monday, November 07, 2011

Blonde Puppies

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how she knew. She replied, "well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!"

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Win $10,000

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000 - ask the bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender tells him "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says "If you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...

The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...

Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW! - knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?"

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Three Racehorses

Three Racehorses
Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.

The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."

"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!"

The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!"

Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"

The horses look down and see a greyhound.

"I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"

The horses look at the dog in amazement.

One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

Tuesday, November 01, 2011


A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "I don't care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink."

The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads. Twenty minutes later, the man approaches the ladies and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."