Monday, August 10, 2009

Careful what you tell your foreign staff

Careful what you tell your foreign staff

The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.

Grand Prize USD50,000.00

Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.
Mom asked "How do you know dear?"
Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00

Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."
Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."
2 hours later, immigrant worker shows up at work:
"Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

9 Consolation Prizes USD10,000.00 each

1.After sex, a newly-wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.
Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

2. Women's lives are hard.
Morning, wash clothes.
Noon, hang clothes.
Evening, keep clothes.
Nite, iron clothes.
Midnight, take off clothes.
After midnight, find clothes.

3. Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?"
All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?"
All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?"
All nuns rose.

4. A Sad story
A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.
She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said,
"Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

5. Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."
Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

6. A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

7. Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

8. Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"
2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

9. Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis.
This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation..
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

V. Gina



The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.."I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam..

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh.""Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer



Holy crap…funny stuff!!! Too many favorites…

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Indian goes shopping...

Indian goes shopping...

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious.. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot? The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”

History of the Middle Finger

History of the Middle Finger

Well,'s something I never knew before and now that I knowit, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in thehope that they, too, will feel edified.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'


And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Choosing a wife

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Why why why

I used to live in Taman Tun Dr Ismail some 8 years ago. Very quite and safe place so I thought. I thought that it is a safe place and with the fence around us it would be safe to leave the grill and door open. My wife used to grumble and ask me to lock the grill when in the house. Being stubborn just refused to listen and told her off that it was inconvinent to get in and out of the house and TTDI is very safelah.

One day during the Deepavali Holiday about 7.00 pm, three Chinese men climbed over the fence and robbed us with parang. Just imagine the tremor of all those in the house had gone through. ie me, my wife. my one year old son, the maid and my two brother in laws.

The robbers pushed all in the middle room and tied us all up. Luckly preading, they did not tied up my wife as she said that she had to take care on my son.

They ransacked the whole house and even asked for the pin code of all my ATM card. Later one of the robbers went out to the bank and withdrew the cash with two other guarding.

They managed to get about RM10k. They spent about 2 hours and warned not to call the police only after half an hour.

Do you all think that TTDI is as 'safe' as 8 years ago?

I only wanted to be convinent to come in and out of the house and looks like it is also convinent for the robbers too.

I have learned the hard way and luckly nothing happened to all of us at that time.

It is better be like a trapped bird rather than the 'bird' being eaten by the 'cat'.

Do your part contribute a little for the safety of the neighbourhood.


Like a bird trapped in a cage
I AM writing this to express my displeasure over the recent happenings at my residence of 20 years.
I am a resident of Jalan Datuk Sulaiman Phase 5C in Taman Tun Dr Ismail, Kuala Lumpur. My family and I moved in when the house was ready for occupation in 1989.
Since July 1, the whole row of houses in Jalan Datuk Sulaiman Phase 5C and Phase 5A have been cordoned off by security guards.
This was initiated by a few residents who were robbed of their cars and threatened at knife-point prior to this. They managed to garner the support of most residents along the road to have the service.
Not only did they put blocks at both ends of the road, they also put up gates at three passage points linking us to the next row of houses in Jalan Datuk Sulaiman 3.
By doing so, they have effectively reduced the freedom of movement along this road not only for me and my family but also for those who did not sign up for the service. Unfortunately, this constitutes a small minority (only about five houses but we are the pioneer residents along the road).
Now every time I want to enter or exit my home, I have to get the permission of these guards. The residents who signed up for the service were given car stickers (which gave them instant access) and those without the stickers are stopped and queried. This makes it very difficult for my visitors and regular vendors.
I used to enjoy walks around the whole of Jalan Datuk Sulaiman area but it seems this is not possible any longer. Do these people have the right to cut off access to the paths linking to other roads? Now, I feel like a bird living in a cage.
I would like to know if Kuala Lumpur City Hall has rules about converting residences to a gated community by a majority vote among residents. Remove the gates and replace them with CCTVs if security is an issue.
Having stayed in the same house for two decades, this recent turn of events is something hard to swallow.


Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Cowboy: Hi what's your name?

Cowboy: Hi what's your name?

Girl: My name is Carol, my friends call me Carmen.


Girl: I just love car & men and the name just stuck.

Cowboy: By the way, my friends call me Beerfuck.

Story: A Cowboy & A Lesbian

Story: A Cowboy & A Lesbian

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?

'He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.

'She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, another man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?


*****************Story by Jefus*******************