Monday, January 31, 2011

Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes

Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes

Below you'll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say 'em. Here they are, in no particular order, drumroll please...

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." ~ Steve Jobs

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ Camille Paglia

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart

"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sexy Panties

My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Make A Wish

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, “Hey mister! Why the hell is your head so small?”

The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”

“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”

“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”

Friday, January 28, 2011

Two Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hung Like A Horse (Moral)

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's Mercedes and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

Silver Peanut Butter Jar

A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...


Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

Monday, January 24, 2011

Married Life – Going To The Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet the know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."


...and they lived happily ever after.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

An idiot talking

Ha ha ha ha ha ....

In Bolehland, there are thousands or millions of obsese people and thousands who have hardly enough to eat and this idiotic minister is concerned about obese orang utangs aboard. ha ha ha ha

Maybe this idiot is following the PM program of One Talent Corporation and instead of encouraging talented citizen working overseas to come back to work, he wants to bring 'talented' orang utang back.

ha ha ha ha ha

Malaysia wants orang utans abroad to 'come home'
KOTA KINABALU: Malaysia will help non-governmental organisations to bring back orang-utans from zoos abroad and rehabilitate them in their native environment in Sabah.

Plantation Industries and Commodities Minister Tan Sri Bernard Dompok said that the government was keen to assist in the rescue of displaced orang utans currently placed in zoos in Europe and United Kingdom.

He said one obese orang utan named Oshine, highlighted by the international media, was rescued from a private owner in South Africa and was now being rehabilitated at Monkey World in Dorset, UK.

“It is being put on a diet in the centre as it had grown too fat and has apparently never seen another orang utan until it arrived at Monkey World,” he said during a dialogue with Sabah NGOs regarding issues pertaining to plantations.

“I told them (NGOs) this is one thing (rescuing orang utans) that they may want to do and the government will give all the assistance to help them get back the displaced apes,” he added.

He said there was no reason for the orang utans to suffer in the cold north European climate as there was ample space for orang utans in the forests of Sabah.

Weighing about 100kgs, Oshine, a 13-year-old orang utan, was raised by a South African couple who fed him marshmallows and other sweets.

It is now on a strict diet of of fruit, yoghurt, lean meat and vegetables in Monkey World.

According to news reports, Monkey World carers were working towards reducing Oshine’s wight to about 70kgs and teach it to be an orang utan again by letting it live next to baby orang utans.

Banknotes made from paper? ? ? ? ?

Ha ha ha ha ........

Some people are just ignorant. Bank notes from paper?

Ha ha ha ha ha

If you googled on "What is money made of?"

The answer will be composed of "25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton"

If this is the case, how it it going to save trees?

Ha ha ha ha ha

The Lees will use old banknotes for ang pows to save trees
PETALING JAYA: Don’t count on the Lee family to rush to the bank for crisp new banknotes when Chinese New Year rolls in each year.

Eloise Lee, 44, said her family had made it a practice to use both old and new banknotes in ang pow packets for the past few years.

“We realised that production of new banknotes requires the cutting down of more trees. Now, we just use notes that look new instead,” she said, adding that none of her ang pow recipients had any complaints about the mix of old and new notes.

“They always receive the red packets happily. Anyway, I think they’re more concerned about how much money is inside, rather than whether the notes are new or not!” she quipped.

Her mother-in-law, Wong Kip Hing, 73, said that the family had also been reusing ang pow decorations for about 10 years.

“We store them carefully, away from moisture and dust. Every year, our decorations look just as beautiful as when they were new,” she said, showing off an origami fish made from an ang pow packet six years ago.

Homemaker Jackie Ho, 61, agreed that new banknotes were not necessary for ang pows.

“Don’t go and give battered ones, of course! Save the new ones you get throughout the year instead of rushing to obtain brand new ones just for this occasion,” she said.

She also advised families who often bought cartons of soft drinks to dispose of them properly after guests have consumed them.

“Aluminium cans can be recycled into many things, so people should really try to remember not to dump them into the trash bin as it is a waste of resources,” she said.

Sam Kon, 23, said he would make an effort to set aside items for recycling or charity while spring cleaning the house.

“Many items can be used again, it’s a waste to dump them. We only have one world, let’s do our part to save it,” he said.

A cock and bull story

Ha ha ha ha ha ha .....

Since independence, the opposition political parties have NEVER been invited to celebrate Medeka Day.

Ha ha ha ha

Since all communities including the opposition parties were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity of Bolehland, why are they not of the Medeka Day celebration.

Talking cock?
PM: All did their bit for Independence
PEKAN: All communities in the country were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity that Malaysia had achieved, said Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.

"When striving for Independence, the Malays leading the struggle were supported by the Chinese and Indians," he said.

Now, he said, all communities must work together to turn Malaysia into a developed nation with a high income.

The Prime Minister earlier gave out over 6,000 crates of mandarin oranges to the people here in conjunction with Chinese New Year.

At another function, Najib said disadvantaged groups would continue to receive support and fair treatment or "our system will be crippled for failure to provide social justice to all."

He said the government was helping not only the hard-core poor but also the low-income group. But what the government was doing was not enough because the number needing assistance was very big, he stressed.

He said social justice had brought about social mobility and empowerment of individuals.

"In most countries, including advanced nations, people in the low-income group have little chance of going up he social ladder," he said.

"But in Malaysia, we have many moving stories about the children of fishermen and farmers rising in the professional, corporate and academic circles in just one generation."

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Love Making Poem

Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"

Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."

Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.

It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!

Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"

Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."

"Well, what poem did you tell her?"

Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

Friday, January 21, 2011

My Wife Has No Sense Of Humor

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we're laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

My Stomach Hurts

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Do The Screw

It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.

Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"

Two Prostitutes, One Sign

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Teeing Off With A Mercedes Benz

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".

Monday, January 17, 2011

Grapes and Doughnuts

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but alw ays promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Who would want to be a losing candidates?

Ka ka ka kaa......

Politicians sometimes says the damnest thing.

Who in the rightful mind will want to lost in election?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....

Najib to SUPP: Pick candidates who can win
KUCHING: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak has asked the Sarawak United People’s Party (SUPP) to only select candidates who can win in the coming state elections.
He said there was no point keeping the old candidates or introducing new faces if they could not win the seats for Barisan Nasional.
“Give me winnable candidates, who can assure the seats for Barisan.
“You must win all your seats in order to be a strong partner in Barisan,” he said at the opening of the SUPP Convention here on Sunday.
Najib, who is Barisan chairman, said SUPP must not pick someone to be its candidates simply because they were important in the party, but those who stands a good chance of securing seats.
“It is important that you select a candidate, who is acceptable to the community or the constituents.
“That’s the only way to create a new SUPP,” he noted.
He said to ensure all Barisan candidates stand a good chance of winning, he might change the convention, where in the past he only endorsed the choice of component parties.
“If necessary, I may exercise my power as Barisan chairman to veto some candidates if they have no chance of winning,” he said.
Later, when asked at a press conference if he would exercise his veto power in the coming state election, the Prime Minister said:
“I will discuss with the leaders of all the component parties first.
“We will do it in a true Barisan spirit in reaching a consensus of selecting our winnable candidates.”

A Round Of Golf On Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"

A few weeks later it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car... reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy...

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be?" and she said "Take a sweater."

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Murphy’s Logic

One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".

Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.

Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"

Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."

Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"

Friday, January 14, 2011

Paying The Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note :

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Blonde At Western Union

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello? ... Mom?"

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Renting An Adult Movie

A blond decides to do something she's never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?" The blond replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

Source email

Monday, January 10, 2011

Newfangled Diagnosis Machine

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.

"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine when he had an idea. John decided to have a little fun with the doctor and pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had yet another brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and even beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him with an agitated look in his face and said, "I've got some bad news. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

Sunday, January 09, 2011

That Monkey Will Eat Anything

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"

Saturday, January 08, 2011

An Elderly Couple Finally Tying The Knot

An elderly couple had been dating each other for 30 years and, at the urging of their friends and family, the finally decided it was time to get married. But first, they agreed they should work out the details of how their marriage was going to be, as to avoid any let downs or misunderstandings.

So the older couple went out to a nice dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage is going to work. They discussed living arrangements, finances and other important stuff. Finally, the older gentleman decided it was time to bring up the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly yet intrigued.

"Well," she said, trying to choose her words carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked... "Is that one word or two?"

Friday, January 07, 2011

The Condom Conversation

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

"Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the Dad answers, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March..."

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Bra Sizes

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost

B - Better

C - Cute

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

PS. . . they should add a new size for the over 50 group.

G - Gone South !

Source unknown

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Women Can Be Cruel Sometimes

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you’re always washing your hands." "That’s very clever" she says, "I bet you’re an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?"

"I didn’t feel a thing."

Source unknown

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Deathbead Confessions

Suzie was standing over her husbands deathbed, andas she held his hand her warm tears ran down her cheeks and splashed onto her sleeping husbands face. Her tears awakened him.

"My darling Suzie " he began. "Hush my love" she said. "Ssssh..., go back to sleep dear "

But he was insistent."Suzie" he said in his frail, tired voice. "I must talk, I must confess something to you" "Theres nothing to confess" said the weeping Suzie "It's ok. Everythings ok. Get some rest now. "

"No no, I must die in peace my Suzie. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." The heartbroken Suzie mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. " hush
now Jimmy, dont torment yourself. I know all about it" she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Source unknown

Monday, January 03, 2011

Honey, I Want A Divorce

A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"

The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says............... "The airbag."

Never underestimate the rationalization of a woman.

Source unknown

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Golf Genie

One Sunday afternoon, a lady was playing golf. Suddenly she hooked a golf ball so hard it went sailing over everyones heads, and landed in the bushes. The lady walked over to get it, a moving through the bushes she found the golf ball. Next to the ball was a shiney little lamp. She couldn't see the golf ball or the lamp because of the thick bushes so she grabbed the lamp and pulled it out. Realising she had grabbed a lamp instead she again reached back in and this time pulled the golf ball out. Having no place else to put it, she stuck the lamp in her golf bag.

After the round of golf she sat in her car, looking at the shiney little lamp. She rubbed it for no apparent reason and, poof, a genie came out. Startled, the woman asked the genie what it was. "I am the genie from the lamp, I've been asleep for 10,000 years and as a reward for awakining me I will grant you 3 wishes, the only catch is whatever you wish for yourself your husband will get 10 times more than you."

The woman nods and says. "Thats ok, whatevers mine is my husbands and vice versa." She thinks for a while, first saying"I wish to have 5 million dollars." "Poof you have 5 million dollars but your husband has 50 million dollars." replies genie replies twirling his fingers. "Thats ok whatevers mine is his, so I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world." She said. "Poof you are the most beautiful woman in the world but your husband is the most beautiful man in the world." The woman nods and says "Thats ok whatevers mine is his"

Suddenly she blurts out: "I wish to have a mild heart attack." "Poof you will have a mild heart attack but your husband will get 10 times more of one." The genie says. "Thats ok" says the woman "whats his is mine ".

Source unknown

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Ladies Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Ladies Night Out, and had been alittle overly-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Horribly drunk, while walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive set of undergarments and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they staggered their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn ladies nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other husband. "My wife came home with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'

Source : unknown

Gynecologist Guessing Game

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."