Wednesday, August 31, 2011

To the Grave

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

Monday, August 29, 2011

What am I?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Sunday, August 28, 2011

What Tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Whole Truth

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Who’s Cows?

After his graduation from college, the son of a French lawyer was contemplating his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately made it so.

The very first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in laborors clothing.

He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Pierre's Ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Pierre has passed away and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "

The next client to come in, a young and sharp - dressed young man, who was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Pierre and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."

The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows! "

After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."

" Don't worry about the cows! " the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Who’s Nut?

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Who Won?

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "Nope, we won."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

You Might be a Lawyer If…

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Monday, August 22, 2011

A Petty Thief, a Teacher and a Lawyer

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Three Kick Rule

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Hell’s Not So Bad Anymore

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"

Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."

To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."

God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Stop Or Slow Down?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Friday, August 19, 2011

11th Time Is The Charm

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"


•"Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
•Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
•Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
•Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
•Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
•Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
•Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
•Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
•Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
•Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "But... why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Lawyer’s Contribution

A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.

"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"

The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."

Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "

Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Divorce Lawyer’s Judgement Day

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The 'real' culprit behind church raid?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ..........

Now we know the 'real' culprit behind the church raid?

Ha ha ha ha ha ......

Now it make sense.

Umno denies it had anything to do with Jais check on church

PETALING JAYA: Umno has denied PAS's accusation that it was involved in the controversial Selangor Islamic Religious Department's (Jais) check on the Damansara Utama Methodist Church (DUMC) on Aug 3.

Its information chief Datuk Ahmad Maslan said Datuk Mustafa Ali must provide evidence to back his statement that Umno had a hand in trying to disunite the Pakatan Rakyat coalition and interfering in Jais investigation.

“These allegations made by him (Mustafa), especially during Ramadan, were uncalled for.

“He must provide evidence that Umno is involved in the Jais check after making such statements. Umno has never interfered in any part of Jais' decision making process,” he told The Star when contacted Tuesday.

Code Of Ethics

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.

"But, I did send them" said the defendant.

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Bible School Cruise With A Laywer

There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest readies a lifeboat for their escape.

The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they're about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest "Let's Go!"

In shock, the priest says to the lawyer "What about the children?" The lawyner says, "Screw the children!" The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies "Do we have time for that?"

Sunday, August 14, 2011

A Witty Young Trial Lawyer

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Lawyers Are The Best Patients

Two new surgeons at the hospital were discussing the qualities of their favorite patients. "I like contractors myself" says one. "They don't even flinch when I tell them I underestimated the cost and length of surgery."

"Well, I had an electrician yesterday" another says. "It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!'

An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. "You fellas ain't seen nothing yet" he tells them "By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are fully interchangeable!"

Friday, August 12, 2011

Short Lawyer Jokes

Where Do Lawyers Come From?
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? "Don't be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.

Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Divorce Lawyers After Work
Two highly successful (female) divorce lawyers were having a few drinks at a bar when a young, incredibly handsome man walked past. Squirming in her chair, one of the ladies blurted out "I'd sure like to screw him!" To which the other replied "Out of what?"

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Hell’s Not So Bad Anymore

An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, ingflush toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy.

One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: "Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"

Satan snickered back, "Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell (no pun intended), there's no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him back up."

To which Satan replied, "No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I'm keepin him."

God retorted, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs loudly and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

The Ambitious Young Judge’s Clerk

An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.

With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.

The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Fastest Mobility Scooter Ever

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it's first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver's side window and asked "Nice car there Sonny, what is it?"

"Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!" exclaimed the cocky attorney. "And" he continued, "it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!"

"Wow," replied the old man, "mind if I take a look inside?" he asked. "Of course not," the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, "That's a pretty fancy sportscar, all right... but I'll stick with my scooter!"

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he's doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?" the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again... this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the lawyer. "How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react... Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it's the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and moans, finally he replies... "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Q&A Lawyer Jokes

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Monday, August 08, 2011

What Do Your Parents Do For A Living?

An elementary school teacher was asking her students what their parents did for a living. "Jeffrey, please be first," she said. "Tell the class, what does your mother do?" Jeffrey stood up and proudly boasted, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, shuffled her feet a bit and said, "My dad's a mailman."

"Thank you, Amy," said her teacher. "What about your father, Jimmy?" Jimmy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!"

The teacher was taken aback, and promptly changed the subject to social studies. Later that day she went to Jimmy's house and knocked on the door. Jimmy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said, and demanded the father provide an explanation.

Jimmy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how can you explain a thing like that to a six year old?"

Sunday, August 07, 2011

An Honest Lawyer?

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"

"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Saturday, August 06, 2011

A Lawyer’s Deal With The Devil

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..."

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"

Friday, August 05, 2011

Lawyers And Light Bulbs

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Thursday, August 04, 2011

A Marriage Made In Heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Taking it With You

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Tuesday, August 02, 2011


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

The Compassionate Lawyer

Driving through town in his BMW, a successful young lawyer spotted two man on the side of the road eating grass out of somebody's yard. Moved by how desperate the men had become, he pulls over to have a word with them,

"Hey fellas, what is going on? Why are you eating grass?" asks the lawyer.

"We're down on our luck, have no jobs and are very poor!", they both respond.

"Well then, come with me" the lawyer insists. "I'll do what I can to help, after all - it's clear you're desperate and you're clearly willing to do what it takes to get by."

After a fifteen minute drive, the two poor men arrive at a beautiful estate on five acres of land right on the 18th hole of a prestigious golf course. They became excited at the chance to finally get some work.

"Sir, we can't thank you enough! Thank you so much for this opportunity. We will make you happy!" they exclaimed with joy!

"Ah, it's no problem. I'm just happy to help." replied the compassionate lawyer. You can eat all the grass you want, it's got to be at least a foot tall by now!"

Monday, August 01, 2011

Battery Acid

Little Johnny's sitting on the street corner playin with battery acid, when a priest walked up and said, "Johnny, you should play with holy water instead." Little Johnny says, "Why is that?". The priest replies, "I put holy water on a pregnant lady and she passed a baby".

Little Johnny says to the priest, "That ain't sh*t. I put battery acid on a cat's ass and he passed a Volkswagon!"