Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Little Johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys Johnny askes "what does that mean" and they said "it means hats and coats"
Little Johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word F*CK!
Johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means "stuffing the turkey". Then there was a knock on the door. Johnny opens it . His aunt and uncle were there. Johnny says to them " here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen F*cking the turkey!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Principal: " What is 3x3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, " I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied," Pockets".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, " Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions".
Monday, June 27, 2011
To which Little Johnny replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." "But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "
Friday, June 24, 2011
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn't want to call on him.
Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, "All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend?" Johnny says," I rode in my wagon and had my dog pull me, well we came to this steep hill and we got going really fast, my dog couldn't run fast enough.
The handle of the wagon rammed up his ass." The teacher interupts and corrects Johnny by saying,"Rectum Johnny, Rectum." Johnny says,"Recked UM? It damn near killed him!"
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without too much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
Monday, June 20, 2011
Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything." That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?"
Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, "That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call a PERFECT penis!"
Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.
I'm here to have a good time!, Johnny Says
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) Where have you been?
I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?
Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Friday, June 17, 2011
The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny's mommy bought him a new bike. Little Johnny promptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted "Ha Ha mommy bought me a new bike and you can't have one".
The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down his pants and said " I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!" In defiance, the little girl pulled up her skirt and said "mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," Little Johnny said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked at the bike and, while handing the boy a $20 ticket, he said "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."
To which Little Johnny replied, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yea, He sure did," said the cop.
Looking up at the cop, with the most serious little boy tone, Johnny retorted, "Next year tell Santa to put the weiner underneath the horse instead of on top of it!" and peddled off down the road.
Monday, June 13, 2011
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher teacher, I know, it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnny and said, "No Johnny, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think."
Johnny was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnny grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's loooong. It's soft, but it's haaaard."
The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnny, "Now Johnny, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnny stopped her and said, "But, teacher, all I have is my pink eraser - but I like the way you think!"
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Bush, “that would be an accident.”
A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”
“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.
“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…
Friday, June 10, 2011
His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm proud of it." The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly,"you've got a Double-Barrel!"
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.
"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was!" said Johnny. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!"
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Monday, June 06, 2011
She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."
Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"
"God is both a boy and a girl, Honey," she replies.
"Mommy, is God gay or straight?" he inquires again.
Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, "Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight."
After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...
Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"
Saturday, June 04, 2011
The bartender sets John's drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?"
"Yeah," John answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep.
"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago!"
Friday, June 03, 2011
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And it was good.
And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself.
And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob...
And God created man.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!"
The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.
The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.
The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?"
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?"
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.."
"How much is that?"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?"
The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints… twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"