CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.
'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Don't lie to kids
Don't l i e to k i ds
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.
When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
PAC: No misappropriation in Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project KUALA LUMPUR: The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) has found difficulty to determine
Ha ha ha is this possible? No misappropriation when the cost increase 32.9%. Is this possible? Do not how to investigate or do not have the knowledge..... ha ha ha
-------------------------------
PAC: No misappropriation in Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project
KUALA LUMPUR: The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) has found difficulty to determine whether there was misappropriation in the Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project, the cost of which reached almost RM1.43bil, up 32.9 percent from the original cost.
PAC chairman Datuk Seri Azmi Khalid said the committee had met representatives of the Transport Ministry, Keretapi Tanah Melayu Berhad (KTMB), the consultants and contractors of the project and found that most dealings, especially the financial aspect, were done according to procedures.
However, weaknesses existed in terms of implementing and managing the project at all levels, he said.
"Among the matters the PAC will highlight to the government will be improving the way it implements big projects in future.
"For instance, there must be a comprehensive standard operating prodecure and meticulous checklist, and we must also see whether implementing projects the build-and-design way should be continued or to use other methods," he told reporters after chairing a PAC meeting in the parliament building Wednesday. He said among the clear weaknesses involved were land acquisition and land use that required the approval of the local authorities which delayed the project.
"This pushed the costs up, including the technical side. The time given to acquire the land was five months, but land acquisition is the biggest issue in any project."
Azmi said the Rawang-Ipoh double tracking project which began in 2000 was scheduled to be ready in 2005, but due to the arising problems including having to appoint a new contractor, it was only completed in 2007. - Bernama
Monday, December 07, 2009
Mamak-King says BTN is OK as long it benefits the mamaks
NCB modules should be retained, says Dr Mamak-king
KUALA LUMPUR: There is no need to revamp National Civics Bureau (NCB) training modules as they are fine in instilling the patriotic spirit among Malaysians, said Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad.(How is it going to benefit Malaysian when they talk about Ketuanan Melayu/Mamaks? Malaysian Chinese and Indian born in Malaysia are considered Pendatang? Mamaks are not?????)
The former prime minister felt that the bureau curriculum had helped foster unity as the courses conducted by the agency were attended by Malaysians of all races.(Courses attended by all races??? Ha ha my foot. Mamaking must be bullshiting. Have he read the news? Is gomen servants, Uni students and JPA scholars representative of all races?)
“No need to revamp. I think it is better to retain the modules,” he told reporters after opening the World AIDS Day 2009 yesterday.(Mamaking since retire just shut up lah, scare others throw away your crap legacy....)
Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Nazri Abdul Aziz had said that the training modules would be revamped to better reflect the 1Malaysia concept introduced by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
The matter came into the spotlight when Selangor recently prohibited state civil servants and students of higher educational institutions owned by the state from attending the courses, claiming that they were an indoctrination process by the Barisan Nasional government and aimed at brainwashing Malaysians to hate opposition parties.
Dr Mahathir said he, too, had given talks at courses organised by the bureau, adding:
“Sometimes, people do not understand the underlying value of the courses. I do not see anything bad about it, it explains the nation’s history,” he said.(Ha ha how to understand when everything previously under Mamaking is censored and OSAed)
Asked about Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s call for independent observers from Australia to monitor the next general election, Dr Mahathir said: “If it is a Caucasian , he will trust. If it’s a Malay, it is otherwise.”(Ha ha it is not that we do not trust Malays, it is UMNO appointed people that we do not trust. Mamak just opened your eyes big, Look at the Lingham case, PKFZ and TBH case???? How to trust???)
Meanwhile, Datuk Seri Moha- med Nazri Abdul Aziz said the revamp of the courses would go on despite criticisms from many parties including Dr Mahathir.
The Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department said the Government would continue with its decision as it was in line with the objective to unite the races in the country.
“They can say what they want but the Cabinet has already made its decision to change the curriculum,” he told mStar Online yesterday.
KUALA LUMPUR: There is no need to revamp National Civics Bureau (NCB) training modules as they are fine in instilling the patriotic spirit among Malaysians, said Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad.(How is it going to benefit Malaysian when they talk about Ketuanan Melayu/Mamaks? Malaysian Chinese and Indian born in Malaysia are considered Pendatang? Mamaks are not?????)
The former prime minister felt that the bureau curriculum had helped foster unity as the courses conducted by the agency were attended by Malaysians of all races.(Courses attended by all races??? Ha ha my foot. Mamaking must be bullshiting. Have he read the news? Is gomen servants, Uni students and JPA scholars representative of all races?)
“No need to revamp. I think it is better to retain the modules,” he told reporters after opening the World AIDS Day 2009 yesterday.(Mamaking since retire just shut up lah, scare others throw away your crap legacy....)
Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Nazri Abdul Aziz had said that the training modules would be revamped to better reflect the 1Malaysia concept introduced by Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
The matter came into the spotlight when Selangor recently prohibited state civil servants and students of higher educational institutions owned by the state from attending the courses, claiming that they were an indoctrination process by the Barisan Nasional government and aimed at brainwashing Malaysians to hate opposition parties.
Dr Mahathir said he, too, had given talks at courses organised by the bureau, adding:
“Sometimes, people do not understand the underlying value of the courses. I do not see anything bad about it, it explains the nation’s history,” he said.(Ha ha how to understand when everything previously under Mamaking is censored and OSAed)
Asked about Opposition Leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s call for independent observers from Australia to monitor the next general election, Dr Mahathir said: “If it is a Caucasian , he will trust. If it’s a Malay, it is otherwise.”(Ha ha it is not that we do not trust Malays, it is UMNO appointed people that we do not trust. Mamak just opened your eyes big, Look at the Lingham case, PKFZ and TBH case???? How to trust???)
Meanwhile, Datuk Seri Moha- med Nazri Abdul Aziz said the revamp of the courses would go on despite criticisms from many parties including Dr Mahathir.
The Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department said the Government would continue with its decision as it was in line with the objective to unite the races in the country.
“They can say what they want but the Cabinet has already made its decision to change the curriculum,” he told mStar Online yesterday.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven.But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attentionto every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned.The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven.But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attentionto every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing:Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking aboutsomething you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned.The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
A good answer
A good answer
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next"
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.
Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next"
Monday, November 30, 2009
This one made me laugh
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
'You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said.'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
Family problems..
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted…
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
The Indian fainted…
Sunday, November 29, 2009
True story from the Japanese Embassy in US...........
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US.
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori 'Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who Are You?' Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha....' Then Mori replied confidently 'Me too, ha ha ha.' Then there was a long silence in the meeting room, nobody knew what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori 'Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton , he mistakenly said 'Who Are You?' Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha-ha....' Then Mori replied confidently 'Me too, ha ha ha.' Then there was a long silence in the meeting room, nobody knew what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Ten Commandments of Marriage (Latest Edition)
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!
Friday, November 27, 2009
The BENEFITS of SEX
The BENEFITS of SEX Reading this is entertaining !!!
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
good answer
good answer
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
Of course, what may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next
Thursday, November 26, 2009
思想轉換 - 心態的力量
思想轉換 - 心態的力量The strength of mindset
女兒向父親抱怨，事事都很艱難。A daughter complains toward the father, everything is difficult.
她不知如何應付生活，好像一個問題剛剛解決，新的問題又會出現，她有些厭倦。She finds it hard to cope with life, seem a problem just resolve, the new problem appeared again, she was tired.
父親是一位廚師，把她帶進廚房。Her father is a cook, bring her into the kitchen..
他先往三口鍋裡倒入一些水，然後放在旺火上。He goes toward first to pour into some waters in 3 pots, then puts on the fire.
不久，水開了。Soon, water boiling.
他往第一口鍋裡放一些胡蘿蔔，第二口鍋裡放入雞蛋，第三口鍋裡放入碾成粉末的咖啡豆。He put some carrots in the first pot, put an egg into the second pot, put some coffee powder into the third pot.
20分鐘後，父親把火關了，把胡蘿蔔撈出來，放入一個碗內，把雞蛋撈出來，放入一個鍋內，然後把咖啡舀到一個杯子裡。 20 minutes later, father off the fire, take out the carrot. Go to the second pot take out the egg, and then ladling up the coffee to a cup.
父親轉身問女兒： The father turned to ask his daughter:
「孩子，你看到了什麼？」'Kid, what do you come in sight of?'
「胡蘿蔔，雞蛋，咖啡。」她說。「Carrot, egg, coffee」She say.
他讓她靠近一些，摸摸胡蘿蔔。 He lets her come closer to touch the carrot.
她注意到他它們變軟了。She noticed the carrot become soft.
父親又讓女兒拿一個雞蛋，打破它，剝掉殼，這是一個煮熟的雞蛋。The father lets the daughter take the egg, breaking it, peel the egg shell,this is a cooked egg.
最後，父親讓她喝了一口咖啡。Last, the father lets her drink a mouthful of coffee.
嘗到濃濃的咖啡，女兒笑了，怯聲問道：Taste to the very thick coffee, the daughter smile, she asked:
「父親，這意味著什麼？」 'Father, what does this mean?'
父親說，三樣東西面臨同樣的逆境——煮沸的開水。 The father says three things face same adverse circumstances-boiling water.
但其反映各不相同。But its reflection is not same.
胡蘿蔔入鍋前是強壯的、結實的，放進開水，它變軟了、變弱了。 The carrot, before put in to the pot, it is strong and hard, after putting into the boiled water, it become soft,become weak.
雞蛋原來是易碎的，薄薄的外殼保護著液態的內臟，開水一煮，內臟變硬。The egg is originally crumbly, the very thin outer shell protects the internal organs of the liquid, once the boiled water cook, the internal organs become hard.
粉狀咖啡豆則很獨特，進入沸水，它們便改變了水。 The coffee bean powder then is very special, entering boiling water, they changed the water then.
在艱難和逆境前，可以學胡蘿蔔、雞蛋和咖啡豆，可以屈服，也可以變得更堅強——甚至，可以改變環境。 We can learn how carrot,egg and coffee bean react in the difficulties and adverse circumstances. They can accept defeat, can become stronger, and even can change environment/surrounding.
父親說：The father say:
你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己； Your cannot change the environment, but can change yourself;
你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；Your cannot change the fact, but can change an attitude;
你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；Your cannot change the past, but can change the present;
你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；You have no command over others, but can control yourself;
你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；You can't predict tomorrow, but can hold on today;
你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；You can't be doing smooth and well in everything, but can devote your best effort;
你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；You can't change weather, but can change a mood;
你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；You can't change facial appearance, but can emerge with smiling face;
是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。Yes, the mindset sometimes is important compares with others
女兒向父親抱怨，事事都很艱難。A daughter complains toward the father, everything is difficult.
她不知如何應付生活，好像一個問題剛剛解決，新的問題又會出現，她有些厭倦。She finds it hard to cope with life, seem a problem just resolve, the new problem appeared again, she was tired.
父親是一位廚師，把她帶進廚房。Her father is a cook, bring her into the kitchen..
他先往三口鍋裡倒入一些水，然後放在旺火上。He goes toward first to pour into some waters in 3 pots, then puts on the fire.
不久，水開了。Soon, water boiling.
他往第一口鍋裡放一些胡蘿蔔，第二口鍋裡放入雞蛋，第三口鍋裡放入碾成粉末的咖啡豆。He put some carrots in the first pot, put an egg into the second pot, put some coffee powder into the third pot.
20分鐘後，父親把火關了，把胡蘿蔔撈出來，放入一個碗內，把雞蛋撈出來，放入一個鍋內，然後把咖啡舀到一個杯子裡。 20 minutes later, father off the fire, take out the carrot. Go to the second pot take out the egg, and then ladling up the coffee to a cup.
父親轉身問女兒： The father turned to ask his daughter:
「孩子，你看到了什麼？」'Kid, what do you come in sight of?'
「胡蘿蔔，雞蛋，咖啡。」她說。「Carrot, egg, coffee」She say.
他讓她靠近一些，摸摸胡蘿蔔。 He lets her come closer to touch the carrot.
她注意到他它們變軟了。She noticed the carrot become soft.
父親又讓女兒拿一個雞蛋，打破它，剝掉殼，這是一個煮熟的雞蛋。The father lets the daughter take the egg, breaking it, peel the egg shell,this is a cooked egg.
最後，父親讓她喝了一口咖啡。Last, the father lets her drink a mouthful of coffee.
嘗到濃濃的咖啡，女兒笑了，怯聲問道：Taste to the very thick coffee, the daughter smile, she asked:
「父親，這意味著什麼？」 'Father, what does this mean?'
父親說，三樣東西面臨同樣的逆境——煮沸的開水。 The father says three things face same adverse circumstances-boiling water.
但其反映各不相同。But its reflection is not same.
胡蘿蔔入鍋前是強壯的、結實的，放進開水，它變軟了、變弱了。 The carrot, before put in to the pot, it is strong and hard, after putting into the boiled water, it become soft,become weak.
雞蛋原來是易碎的，薄薄的外殼保護著液態的內臟，開水一煮，內臟變硬。The egg is originally crumbly, the very thin outer shell protects the internal organs of the liquid, once the boiled water cook, the internal organs become hard.
粉狀咖啡豆則很獨特，進入沸水，它們便改變了水。 The coffee bean powder then is very special, entering boiling water, they changed the water then.
在艱難和逆境前，可以學胡蘿蔔、雞蛋和咖啡豆，可以屈服，也可以變得更堅強——甚至，可以改變環境。 We can learn how carrot,egg and coffee bean react in the difficulties and adverse circumstances. They can accept defeat, can become stronger, and even can change environment/surrounding.
父親說：The father say:
你改變不了環境，但可以改變自己； Your cannot change the environment, but can change yourself;
你改變不了事實，但可以改變態度；Your cannot change the fact, but can change an attitude;
你改變不了過去，但可以改變現在；Your cannot change the past, but can change the present;
你不能控制他人，但可以掌握自己；You have no command over others, but can control yourself;
你不能預知明天，但可以把握今天；You can't predict tomorrow, but can hold on today;
你不能樣樣順利，但可以事實盡心；You can't be doing smooth and well in everything, but can devote your best effort;
你不能左右天氣，但可以改變心情；You can't change weather, but can change a mood;
你不能改變容貌，但可以展現笑容；You can't change facial appearance, but can emerge with smiling face;
是的，心態有時比什麼都重要。Yes, the mindset sometimes is important compares with others
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Getting Old ...
Getting Old ...
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wedding Ring
The Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha
Chinese detective,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha,,,,,,,,,,ha ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ha
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...
The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...
The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Jokes for your amusement !
Jokes for your amusement !
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you..
It's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating.. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?> To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Have a good day!
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you..
It's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both are pregnant!
Tragedy: When you are Not responsible 4 both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when Mating.. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?> To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's dick?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting fucked!
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the diff between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast population decreases & if a condom blasts population increases.
Have a good day!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
CAR TROUBLE
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACCUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY THE BLONDE JOKE TO TOP ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)