Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes
Below you'll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say 'em. Here they are, in no particular order, drumroll please...
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading." ~ Steve Jobs
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~ Camille Paglia
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sexy Panties
My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"
She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs... then said "Honey would you like some of this?" I took a moment, then said "Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!"
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Make A Wish
A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, “Hey mister! Why the hell is your head so small?”
The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”
“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”
“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”
The old man looked at the boy and replied, “Boy, if I wasn’t so damn old, I’d give you a beating… but since you remind me of myself at your age, I’ll tell you.”
The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, “One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite… And, I said to myself, ‘Holy shit! I’ve caught a whale!’”
“No kidding?” pried the boy. The geezer continued, “But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she’d grant me one wish if I let her free…”
“And?” interjected the boy. “Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, ‘How about a little head?’”
Friday, January 28, 2011
Two Spoons
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Hung Like A Horse (Moral)
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's Mercedes and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
Silver Peanut Butter Jar
A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Samantha came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver peanut butter jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the peanut butter jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the peanut butter jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
John
Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Samantha, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Samantha. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the peanut butter jar under her pillow...
Love,
Mom
Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave... Dave... Dave, you sick bastard. You're a vet."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Farting Competition
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
Monday, January 24, 2011
Married Life – Going To The Bar
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
...and they lived happily ever after.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
An idiot talking
Ha ha ha ha ha ....
In Bolehland, there are thousands or millions of obsese people and thousands who have hardly enough to eat and this idiotic minister is concerned about obese orang utangs aboard. ha ha ha ha
Maybe this idiot is following the PM program of One Talent Corporation and instead of encouraging talented citizen working overseas to come back to work, he wants to bring 'talented' orang utang back.
ha ha ha ha ha
--------------------------------------
Malaysia wants orang utans abroad to 'come home'
By MUGUNTAN VANAR
KOTA KINABALU: Malaysia will help non-governmental organisations to bring back orang-utans from zoos abroad and rehabilitate them in their native environment in Sabah.
Plantation Industries and Commodities Minister Tan Sri Bernard Dompok said that the government was keen to assist in the rescue of displaced orang utans currently placed in zoos in Europe and United Kingdom.
He said one obese orang utan named Oshine, highlighted by the international media, was rescued from a private owner in South Africa and was now being rehabilitated at Monkey World in Dorset, UK.
“It is being put on a diet in the centre as it had grown too fat and has apparently never seen another orang utan until it arrived at Monkey World,” he said during a dialogue with Sabah NGOs regarding issues pertaining to plantations.
“I told them (NGOs) this is one thing (rescuing orang utans) that they may want to do and the government will give all the assistance to help them get back the displaced apes,” he added.
He said there was no reason for the orang utans to suffer in the cold north European climate as there was ample space for orang utans in the forests of Sabah.
Weighing about 100kgs, Oshine, a 13-year-old orang utan, was raised by a South African couple who fed him marshmallows and other sweets.
It is now on a strict diet of of fruit, yoghurt, lean meat and vegetables in Monkey World.
According to news reports, Monkey World carers were working towards reducing Oshine’s wight to about 70kgs and teach it to be an orang utan again by letting it live next to baby orang utans.
In Bolehland, there are thousands or millions of obsese people and thousands who have hardly enough to eat and this idiotic minister is concerned about obese orang utangs aboard. ha ha ha ha
Maybe this idiot is following the PM program of One Talent Corporation and instead of encouraging talented citizen working overseas to come back to work, he wants to bring 'talented' orang utang back.
ha ha ha ha ha
--------------------------------------
Malaysia wants orang utans abroad to 'come home'
By MUGUNTAN VANAR
KOTA KINABALU: Malaysia will help non-governmental organisations to bring back orang-utans from zoos abroad and rehabilitate them in their native environment in Sabah.
Plantation Industries and Commodities Minister Tan Sri Bernard Dompok said that the government was keen to assist in the rescue of displaced orang utans currently placed in zoos in Europe and United Kingdom.
He said one obese orang utan named Oshine, highlighted by the international media, was rescued from a private owner in South Africa and was now being rehabilitated at Monkey World in Dorset, UK.
“It is being put on a diet in the centre as it had grown too fat and has apparently never seen another orang utan until it arrived at Monkey World,” he said during a dialogue with Sabah NGOs regarding issues pertaining to plantations.
“I told them (NGOs) this is one thing (rescuing orang utans) that they may want to do and the government will give all the assistance to help them get back the displaced apes,” he added.
He said there was no reason for the orang utans to suffer in the cold north European climate as there was ample space for orang utans in the forests of Sabah.
Weighing about 100kgs, Oshine, a 13-year-old orang utan, was raised by a South African couple who fed him marshmallows and other sweets.
It is now on a strict diet of of fruit, yoghurt, lean meat and vegetables in Monkey World.
According to news reports, Monkey World carers were working towards reducing Oshine’s wight to about 70kgs and teach it to be an orang utan again by letting it live next to baby orang utans.
Banknotes made from paper? ? ? ? ?
Ha ha ha ha ........
Some people are just ignorant. Bank notes from paper?
Ha ha ha ha ha
If you googled on "What is money made of?"
The answer will be composed of "25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton"
If this is the case, how it it going to save trees?
Ha ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------------------
The Lees will use old banknotes for ang pows to save trees
By ISABELLE LAI
isabellelai@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: Don’t count on the Lee family to rush to the bank for crisp new banknotes when Chinese New Year rolls in each year.
Eloise Lee, 44, said her family had made it a practice to use both old and new banknotes in ang pow packets for the past few years.
“We realised that production of new banknotes requires the cutting down of more trees. Now, we just use notes that look new instead,” she said, adding that none of her ang pow recipients had any complaints about the mix of old and new notes.
“They always receive the red packets happily. Anyway, I think they’re more concerned about how much money is inside, rather than whether the notes are new or not!” she quipped.
Her mother-in-law, Wong Kip Hing, 73, said that the family had also been reusing ang pow decorations for about 10 years.
“We store them carefully, away from moisture and dust. Every year, our decorations look just as beautiful as when they were new,” she said, showing off an origami fish made from an ang pow packet six years ago.
Homemaker Jackie Ho, 61, agreed that new banknotes were not necessary for ang pows.
“Don’t go and give battered ones, of course! Save the new ones you get throughout the year instead of rushing to obtain brand new ones just for this occasion,” she said.
She also advised families who often bought cartons of soft drinks to dispose of them properly after guests have consumed them.
“Aluminium cans can be recycled into many things, so people should really try to remember not to dump them into the trash bin as it is a waste of resources,” she said.
Sam Kon, 23, said he would make an effort to set aside items for recycling or charity while spring cleaning the house.
“Many items can be used again, it’s a waste to dump them. We only have one world, let’s do our part to save it,” he said.
Some people are just ignorant. Bank notes from paper?
Ha ha ha ha ha
If you googled on "What is money made of?"
The answer will be composed of "25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton"
If this is the case, how it it going to save trees?
Ha ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------------------
The Lees will use old banknotes for ang pows to save trees
By ISABELLE LAI
isabellelai@thestar.com.my
PETALING JAYA: Don’t count on the Lee family to rush to the bank for crisp new banknotes when Chinese New Year rolls in each year.
Eloise Lee, 44, said her family had made it a practice to use both old and new banknotes in ang pow packets for the past few years.
“We realised that production of new banknotes requires the cutting down of more trees. Now, we just use notes that look new instead,” she said, adding that none of her ang pow recipients had any complaints about the mix of old and new notes.
“They always receive the red packets happily. Anyway, I think they’re more concerned about how much money is inside, rather than whether the notes are new or not!” she quipped.
Her mother-in-law, Wong Kip Hing, 73, said that the family had also been reusing ang pow decorations for about 10 years.
“We store them carefully, away from moisture and dust. Every year, our decorations look just as beautiful as when they were new,” she said, showing off an origami fish made from an ang pow packet six years ago.
Homemaker Jackie Ho, 61, agreed that new banknotes were not necessary for ang pows.
“Don’t go and give battered ones, of course! Save the new ones you get throughout the year instead of rushing to obtain brand new ones just for this occasion,” she said.
She also advised families who often bought cartons of soft drinks to dispose of them properly after guests have consumed them.
“Aluminium cans can be recycled into many things, so people should really try to remember not to dump them into the trash bin as it is a waste of resources,” she said.
Sam Kon, 23, said he would make an effort to set aside items for recycling or charity while spring cleaning the house.
“Many items can be used again, it’s a waste to dump them. We only have one world, let’s do our part to save it,” he said.
A cock and bull story
Ha ha ha ha ha ha .....
Since independence, the opposition political parties have NEVER been invited to celebrate Medeka Day.
Ha ha ha ha
Since all communities including the opposition parties were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity of Bolehland, why are they not of the Medeka Day celebration.
Talking cock?
-------------------------------------------------------
PM: All did their bit for Independence
PEKAN: All communities in the country were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity that Malaysia had achieved, said Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
"When striving for Independence, the Malays leading the struggle were supported by the Chinese and Indians," he said.
Now, he said, all communities must work together to turn Malaysia into a developed nation with a high income.
The Prime Minister earlier gave out over 6,000 crates of mandarin oranges to the people here in conjunction with Chinese New Year.
At another function, Najib said disadvantaged groups would continue to receive support and fair treatment or "our system will be crippled for failure to provide social justice to all."
He said the government was helping not only the hard-core poor but also the low-income group. But what the government was doing was not enough because the number needing assistance was very big, he stressed.
He said social justice had brought about social mobility and empowerment of individuals.
"In most countries, including advanced nations, people in the low-income group have little chance of going up he social ladder," he said.
"But in Malaysia, we have many moving stories about the children of fishermen and farmers rising in the professional, corporate and academic circles in just one generation."
Since independence, the opposition political parties have NEVER been invited to celebrate Medeka Day.
Ha ha ha ha
Since all communities including the opposition parties were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity of Bolehland, why are they not of the Medeka Day celebration.
Talking cock?
-------------------------------------------------------
PM: All did their bit for Independence
PEKAN: All communities in the country were involved in the Independence struggle and contributed to the prosperity that Malaysia had achieved, said Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak.
"When striving for Independence, the Malays leading the struggle were supported by the Chinese and Indians," he said.
Now, he said, all communities must work together to turn Malaysia into a developed nation with a high income.
The Prime Minister earlier gave out over 6,000 crates of mandarin oranges to the people here in conjunction with Chinese New Year.
At another function, Najib said disadvantaged groups would continue to receive support and fair treatment or "our system will be crippled for failure to provide social justice to all."
He said the government was helping not only the hard-core poor but also the low-income group. But what the government was doing was not enough because the number needing assistance was very big, he stressed.
He said social justice had brought about social mobility and empowerment of individuals.
"In most countries, including advanced nations, people in the low-income group have little chance of going up he social ladder," he said.
"But in Malaysia, we have many moving stories about the children of fishermen and farmers rising in the professional, corporate and academic circles in just one generation."
Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Love Making Poem
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"
Friday, January 21, 2011
My Wife Has No Sense Of Humor
So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we're laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her "Wanna have sex?"
"No." She answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember...
"No." She answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." She replied.
So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My Stomach Hurts
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Do The Screw
It's the Spring of 1957 and Lewis goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Mary Jane's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Lewis.
Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"
Mary Jane's father asks Lewis what they're planning to do. Lewis replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Mary Jane's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the cool kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Lewis - so he asks Mary Jane's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Mary Jane's father, "Mary Jane really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Lewis' eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Mary Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Lewis escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Mary Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the TWIST!"
Two Prostitutes, One Sign
A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Teeing Off With A Mercedes Benz
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
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