SINGH JOKES
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up.
He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' (RelaxSingh)
Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
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Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
jokes
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so hethought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "
Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so hethought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "
Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
Monday, November 16, 2009
人 啊！
人 啊！
Man, O Man!
沒錢的時候，養豬；有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;When have money, dine in fine restaurant.
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;When have money, wish to get divorced.
沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.
沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;When with money, act like poor man.
人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous
人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority10
歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority20
歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority30
歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority40
歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority50
歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority60
歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority70
歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority80
歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority90
歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority100
歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!
Man, O Man!
沒錢的時候，養豬；有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;When have money, keep dogs.
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;When have money, dine in fine restaurant.
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.
沒錢的時候,想結婚；有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;When have money, wish to get divorced.
沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;When have money, secretary becomes wife.
沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;When with money, act like poor man.
人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:
說股票是毒品，都在玩；說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will set their bodies to get famous
人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority10
歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority20
歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority30
歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority40
歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority50
歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority60
歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority70
歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority80
歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority90
歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority100
歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!
It Sucks to Get Old
It Sucks to Get Old
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen , the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"
Saturday, November 14, 2009
人 生 流 程 Life's Process
人 生 流 程 Life's Process
當你二十歲的時候，你醒來希望是愛情。 When you are 20, you wake up hoping for love.
當你三十歲的時候，你醒來希望是結婚。 When you are 30, you wake up hoping for marriage.
當你四十歲的時候，你醒來希望是成功。 When you are 40, you wake up hoping for success.
當你五十歲的時候，你醒來希望是富有。 When you are 50, you wake up hoping for wealth.
當你六十歲的時候，你醒來希望是知足。 When you are 60, you wake up hoping for contentment.
當你七十歲的時候，你醒來希望是健康。 When you are 70, you wake up hoping for health.
當你八十歲的時候，你只希望能醒過來。 When you are 80, you wake up hoping you will be able to wake up.
如果你愛什麼很多 就讓它走吧... If you love something so much, just let it go…
如果它不再是你的了 就請放手讓它走.... If it's no longer yours, just let go of your hands and let it go….
如果它有一天回來了 請好好珍惜愛它.... If it comes back one day please cherish and love it….
當你二十歲的時候，你醒來希望是愛情。 When you are 20, you wake up hoping for love.
當你三十歲的時候，你醒來希望是結婚。 When you are 30, you wake up hoping for marriage.
當你四十歲的時候，你醒來希望是成功。 When you are 40, you wake up hoping for success.
當你五十歲的時候，你醒來希望是富有。 When you are 50, you wake up hoping for wealth.
當你六十歲的時候，你醒來希望是知足。 When you are 60, you wake up hoping for contentment.
當你七十歲的時候，你醒來希望是健康。 When you are 70, you wake up hoping for health.
當你八十歲的時候，你只希望能醒過來。 When you are 80, you wake up hoping you will be able to wake up.
如果你愛什麼很多 就讓它走吧... If you love something so much, just let it go…
如果它不再是你的了 就請放手讓它走.... If it's no longer yours, just let go of your hands and let it go….
如果它有一天回來了 請好好珍惜愛它.... If it comes back one day please cherish and love it….
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Two nuns
Two nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in the U.K.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)....
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Marriage Humor:
Marriage Humor:
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expired date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
________________________________________________________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' _____________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expired date.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
________________________________________________________
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' _____________________________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The ABCs Of Marketing....
The ABCs Of Marketing....
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Source: Unknown
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross.
In fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Source: Unknown
Of Comdoms, sex, marriage and.....
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR...... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Source: Unknown
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Why is $ex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR...... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Source: Unknown
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Live to be 80 ??
Live to be 80 ??
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?
Souece: Unknown
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why would you want to live to 80?
Souece: Unknown
THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!
THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!
One word or two? From a cheeky friend.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Source: Unknown
One word or two? From a cheeky friend.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Source: Unknown
Monday, November 09, 2009
4 WIVES.....This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This email was sent to me by a friend............ 4 wives
This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This is something to think about: 4 WIVES
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!
*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:
Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Cheers!
This is a very Nice One....with a strong message
This is something to think about: 4 WIVES
Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!
*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:
Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.
Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.
Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.
And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:
Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...
Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Cheers!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Love-locked girl chained
Macam macam can happen? What has happen to the world this days? Are humans no different from animals?
==============================
Love-locked girl chained
Monday, 12 October 2009 10:50
KUCHING – It is a treatment that even animal lovers will not give their pets.
A man from Bandar Baru Semariang, near here, was found to have kept his step-daughter in chains to prevent the 20-year-old woman from meeting her boyfriend.
She somehow managed to free herself and has lodged a police report against her captor here on Saturday.
The woman claimed that her mother and stepfather, a foreign national, had taken her away from the boyfriend’s house at Kampung Rampangi in Santubong and forced her to return to their home in Semariang Friday night.
The couple then shackled her legs with chains to prevent her from leaving the house. The stepfather secured the chains with a padlock.
Freed herself from the clutches
However, the young woman was able to free herself and sneaked out of the house. She then hitched a ride with a motorcyclist, who took her to the boyfriend’s house.
Her 21-year-old boyfriend, a construction worker, then accompanied her to lodge a police report.
The pair had been living together for about a year and were planning to get married.
“I could not believe that her stepfather could resort to such an act, as only animals are chained up,” the boyfriend told reporters.
He said the stepfather had objected to his relationship with his stepdaughter and claimed that the man had assaulted them before.
==============================
Love-locked girl chained
Monday, 12 October 2009 10:50
KUCHING – It is a treatment that even animal lovers will not give their pets.
A man from Bandar Baru Semariang, near here, was found to have kept his step-daughter in chains to prevent the 20-year-old woman from meeting her boyfriend.
She somehow managed to free herself and has lodged a police report against her captor here on Saturday.
The woman claimed that her mother and stepfather, a foreign national, had taken her away from the boyfriend’s house at Kampung Rampangi in Santubong and forced her to return to their home in Semariang Friday night.
The couple then shackled her legs with chains to prevent her from leaving the house. The stepfather secured the chains with a padlock.
Freed herself from the clutches
However, the young woman was able to free herself and sneaked out of the house. She then hitched a ride with a motorcyclist, who took her to the boyfriend’s house.
Her 21-year-old boyfriend, a construction worker, then accompanied her to lodge a police report.
The pair had been living together for about a year and were planning to get married.
“I could not believe that her stepfather could resort to such an act, as only animals are chained up,” the boyfriend told reporters.
He said the stepfather had objected to his relationship with his stepdaughter and claimed that the man had assaulted them before.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
What is happening to our society these days? Sad isn't it?????? Will expelling the girl from school help her?
===============thestar=========
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
A FORM Two student claimed that she became addicted to sex after being raped by a 40-year-old man.
The girl, who only wanted to be known as Roslina, related to Metro Ahad that since the incident, she would have sex with up to eight partners at the same time in the storeroom of her school.
She said she lost her self-esteem after being raped by the man, who was never arrested despite a police report being lodged against him by her family.
“I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and got more and more into sex,” she said in between tears.
She said she became addicted to sex, hence her penchant for having multiple partners at the same time.
According to her, this went on for four months before the school authorities expelled her and the other students who were caught in the act.
===============thestar=========
Form Two student addicted to sex after rape
A FORM Two student claimed that she became addicted to sex after being raped by a 40-year-old man.
The girl, who only wanted to be known as Roslina, related to Metro Ahad that since the incident, she would have sex with up to eight partners at the same time in the storeroom of her school.
She said she lost her self-esteem after being raped by the man, who was never arrested despite a police report being lodged against him by her family.
“I skipped school, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and got more and more into sex,” she said in between tears.
She said she became addicted to sex, hence her penchant for having multiple partners at the same time.
According to her, this went on for four months before the school authorities expelled her and the other students who were caught in the act.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Ha ha ha see who got the last laugh. Some man just their brains between the balls.
==============MalaysianMirror======================
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Sunday, 11 October 2009 13:24
JEDDAH - A Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television, in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom.
Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program.
His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia, where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public.
Friends also punished
King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms.
Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each.
LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows.
Used his cellphone to pick up girls
Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls.
A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term.
"Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday.
Could have been given death penalty
Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty. Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion.
Abdul-Jawad's brother said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society.
"Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency," said the brother, who asked not to be named
==============MalaysianMirror======================
Man gets1,000 lashes for boasting about sex
Sunday, 11 October 2009 13:24
JEDDAH - A Saudi court has sentenced a man to five years in jail and 1,000 lashes for boasting about his sexual exploits on television, in a case that has divided public opinion in the conservative Islamic kingdom.
Abdul-Jawad, a divorced father of four, was arrested in August after discussing his premarital sexual encounters, showing off his pick-up techniques and displaying some sex toys and lubricants on a Lebanese TV program.
His comments caused a public outcry in Saudi Arabia, where the religious elite has vast powers over society and religious police enforce the segregation of men and women in public.
Friends also punished
King Abdullah has begun to reform education and the judiciary in recent years, partly to discourage Islamic militancy. But he faces resistance from clerics and conservative princes and analysts say the case gives fresh momentum to some clerics' calls for strict curbs on social freedoms.
Three of Abdul-Jawad's friends who appeared on the Lebanese Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) were sentenced to two years in jail and 300 lashes each.
LBC is a popular channel in Saudi Arabia, one of the world's most conservative societies, and many Saudis tune into its Western-style entertainment programs and talk shows.
Used his cellphone to pick up girls
Abdul-Jawad, 32, spoke from his bedroom on an episode of "In Bold Red." He was shown driving his red convertible to a shopping mall where he said he used his mobile phone to pick up girls.
A court official said that, on top of the lashings and jail sentence, Abdul-Jawad's phone and car would be confiscated and he would be banned from traveling after completing his term.
"Dont push! Don't push," a distressed Abdul-Jawad yelled as he struggled in the grasp of two policemen escorting him out of the judge's office in Jeddah Wednesday.
Could have been given death penalty
Lawyers say Abdul-Jawad could have been given the death penalty. Judges, who are clerics of Saudi Arabia's strict Wahhabi school of Islam, have wide powers of discretion.
Abdul-Jawad's brother said it would be difficult for him to be accepted back into society.
"Now he has been fired from his job and after his jail term it won't be possible for him to get a job in government or the private sector because he was charged with a case of moral indecency," said the brother, who asked not to be named
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