Murphy’s Logic

One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim".

Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example.

Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!"

Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example."

Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!"

Anything To Make Marriage Work

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentence she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... but on Fridays, I play golf."

Honey, I Found Your Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

If The Ring Fits, Wear It

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Sexy Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden


Source : email recieved

Quick Thinking Cabby

A guy is on a date with this really hot chick, so he takes her up to Lover's Lane. Things start getting hot and heavy and, just when they were about to go to third base, she says "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker."

The man thinks for a bit but, being really in the mood, he asks "How much?" She replied, "For you, $25 since I like ya."

He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you too now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for a ride back to town.''

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house."

That Monkey Will Eat Anything

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" says the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Quite an appetite. I'll pay for the cue ball and other things he ate." He the finishes his drink, pays the bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's back at the same bar again, monkey by his side as usual. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?" "What this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures it first!"

Women Can Be Cruel Sometimes

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you’re always washing your hands." "That’s very clever" she says, "I bet you’re an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?"

"I didn’t feel a thing."


Source unknown

Deathbead Confessions

Suzie was standing over her husbands deathbed, andas she held his hand her warm tears ran down her cheeks and splashed onto her sleeping husbands face. Her tears awakened him.

"My darling Suzie " he began. "Hush my love" she said. "Ssssh..., go back to sleep dear "

But he was insistent."Suzie" he said in his frail, tired voice. "I must talk, I must confess something to you" "Theres nothing to confess" said the weeping Suzie "It's ok. Everythings ok. Get some rest now. "

"No no, I must die in peace my Suzie. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." The heartbroken Suzie mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. " hush
now Jimmy, dont torment yourself. I know all about it" she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Source unknown

Golf Genie

One Sunday afternoon, a lady was playing golf. Suddenly she hooked a golf ball so hard it went sailing over everyones heads, and landed in the bushes. The lady walked over to get it, a moving through the bushes she found the golf ball. Next to the ball was a shiney little lamp. She couldn't see the golf ball or the lamp because of the thick bushes so she grabbed the lamp and pulled it out. Realising she had grabbed a lamp instead she again reached back in and this time pulled the golf ball out. Having no place else to put it, she stuck the lamp in her golf bag.

After the round of golf she sat in her car, looking at the shiney little lamp. She rubbed it for no apparent reason and, poof, a genie came out. Startled, the woman asked the genie what it was. "I am the genie from the lamp, I've been asleep for 10,000 years and as a reward for awakining me I will grant you 3 wishes, the only catch is whatever you wish for yourself your husband will get 10 times more than you."

The woman nods and says. "Thats ok, whatevers mine is my husbands and vice versa." She thinks for a while, first saying"I wish to have 5 million dollars." "Poof you have 5 million dollars but your husband has 50 million dollars." replies genie replies twirling his fingers. "Thats ok whatevers mine is his, so I wish to be the most beautiful woman in the world." She said. "Poof you are the most beautiful woman in the world but your husband is the most beautiful man in the world." The woman nods and says "Thats ok whatevers mine is his"

Suddenly she blurts out: "I wish to have a mild heart attack." "Poof you will have a mild heart attack but your husband will get 10 times more of one." The genie says. "Thats ok" says the woman "whats his is mine ".

Source unknown

Queen Guinevere’s Chastity Belt

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless...


source email

The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Source by email

The Mathematician’s Wife

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.

Source email

What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."

HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'


Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn't know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles."

Who Was First?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God..."Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Source: by email

Johnny and his play cards

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

Why Married Couples Don’t Have Sex

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
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KEEP READING...
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Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.