So this pirate walks into a bar, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately the bartender notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"
"Huh?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"
"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.
"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.
So the pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in me damn eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was me first day with the hook."