Keep your thinking right And your business will be right.
Zig Ziglar

"A person shows what he is by what he does with what he has."Anonymous

Wearing the Pants

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

"The moment a question comes to your mind, see yourself mentally taking hold of it and disposing of it. In that moment is your choice made. Thus you learn to take the path to the right. Thus you learn to become the decider and not the vacillator. Thus you build character." H. Van Anderson

Thinking

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

"The moment a question comes to your mind, see yourself mentally taking hold of it and disposing of it. In that moment is your choice made. Thus you learn to take the path to the right. Thus you learn to become the decider and not the vacillator. Thus you build character."H. Van Anderson

Blow job

What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow?

MONEY.

"Whether you be man or woman you will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality?of the mind next to honor."James Allen

Old, New

What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker?

The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poli-Grip.

Shire Tale

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

"It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds."Aesop

Paraplegic

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

"Don't accept that others know you better than yourself. ?Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will?inevitably bring about right results."James Allen

Nothing to Eat

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

What you do off the job is determining factor In how far you will go on the job.
Zig Ziglar

Yoda Sex Phrases

1. "Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!"
2. "Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must."
3. "Feel the force!"
4. "Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things."
5. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!"
6. "Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!"
7. "Happens to every guy sometimes, this does."
8. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
9. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!"
10. "Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!"

"Where there is no shame, there is no honor." African Proverb"Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared; but only men of character are trusted."Alfred Adler

Go Home

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.

The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''

Glass, china, and reputation are easily cracked and never well mended."Old Folk Saying

Confusion

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

"If you stand straight, do not fear a crooked shadow." Chinese Proverb

Shaking it Up

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

"A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child."The Knights of Pythagoras

Sex Jokes

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Elephant

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

"Do right. Do your best. Treat others as you want to be treated." Lou Holtz

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Plato

If people like you they'll listen to you, but if they trust you they'll do business with you.
Zig Ziglar

"Kindness in words creates confidence Kindness in thinking creates profoundness Kindness in giving creates love." Lao-Tzu

When a company or an individual compromises one time, whether it's on price or principle, the next compromise is right around the corner .
Zig Ziglar

"That which does not kill me, makes me stronger." A SEAL Team saying,
by Frederick Nietzsche.

Reindeer

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

They go to town and blow a couple of bucks.

Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved." Helen Keller

Happy

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?

No, neither did I.

"It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." Anne Frank

The worst

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

Worth it

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

"Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower would grow." Abraham Lincoln

Coma

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband.

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at." Goethe