Striker
The manager of Liverpool FC sends scouts out round the World lookingfor a new striker to hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So the manager flies to Iraq to watch him and> is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only twenty minutes left, and Liverpool's manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on.
The lad is a sensation, scores five goals in twenty minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches> are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hi Mum, guess what?' he says. ' I played for twenty minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored five and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me.' ' Great,' says his Mum, ' now let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time.'
The young lad is very upset. ' What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry'. 'Sorry?!?' says his Mum. ' It's your f*cking fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Subject: Birthday gift
Subject: Birthday gift
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. ' I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
source unknown
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. ' I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
source unknown
SMILE AND SMILE - CHILD TALK
SMILE AND SMILE - CHILD TALK
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' -
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Moment listen please
One Moment listen please
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg. I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg. I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain
Fun of getting old
An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
---------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mea n a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fet it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' ' Really,' answered the neighbor. sp;'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty .'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !
Source Unknown
---------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mea n a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it ..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to fet it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' The second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' The third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' ' Really,' answered the neighbor. sp;'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty .'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !
Source Unknown
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
THE LEGEND OF CIGARETTES
THE LEGEND OF CIGARETTES
>>> I am Peter Stuyvesant.
>>> I have two friends, Benson and Hedges .
>>> I came from the city of Marlboro.
>>> In the Salem high country,
>>> I always carry a Mild Seven .
>>> I rode on a White Horse .
>> Going to Kingsway in Kent.
>>> It was Lucky Strike I fell in love.
>>> With the daughter of Master Duke.
>>> Her name was YSL.
>>> We got married by Perillys , the priest.
>>> We checked in at the house of Dunhill
>>> And booked into room number 555.
>>> I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
>>> I played with her two Matterhorns.
>>> When I poked in my Rothmans King Size,
>>> She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!!'
>>> You are riding like a mad Camel.
>>> When I asked her if she is satisfied,
>>> She answer, "I want More !!!!"
Source unknown
>>> I am Peter Stuyvesant.
>>> I have two friends, Benson and Hedges .
>>> I came from the city of Marlboro.
>>> In the Salem high country,
>>> I always carry a Mild Seven .
>>> I rode on a White Horse .
>> Going to Kingsway in Kent.
>>> It was Lucky Strike I fell in love.
>>> With the daughter of Master Duke.
>>> Her name was YSL.
>>> We got married by Perillys , the priest.
>>> We checked in at the house of Dunhill
>>> And booked into room number 555.
>>> I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
>>> I played with her two Matterhorns.
>>> When I poked in my Rothmans King Size,
>>> She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider !!!'
>>> You are riding like a mad Camel.
>>> When I asked her if she is satisfied,
>>> She answer, "I want More !!!!"
Source unknown
Simple test of IQ
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsAttend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. Well I failed the test miserably and therefore should have a need for schadenfreude, I classify myself as a moron or cretin like some powers that be. Ha ha haw haw hee hee heeee!!
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animalsAttend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. Well I failed the test miserably and therefore should have a need for schadenfreude, I classify myself as a moron or cretin like some powers that be. Ha ha haw haw hee hee heeee!!
Good reflections
Good reflections
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
The BENEFITS of SEX
The BENEFITS of SEX
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
Source unknown
Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin ?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.
3. To make love allows to burn all the calories accumulate is this romantic love scene.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyabel than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes !
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex !
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN VALIUM.
8. To kiss everyday allows to avoid the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.
Source unknown
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Are you having difficulties sleeping ?
Are you having difficulties sleeping ?
Do you suffer from difficulties in sleep Here are some natural ways recommended by the experts and can lead you to sleep well and quiet .. You start reading and understanding required .. We hope you Sleep Well ...
Stand on one leg
He tried to stand on one leg for 30 seconds Movement may be strange, but useful When you focus your attention on keeping your balance is your brain also leaves aside all the functions The focus of this movement The result is that your mind more comfortable and relaxed and more clarity So when lay in bed asleep quickly يغلبك
Calcium intake
The researchers found that calcium works to relax the nervous system
And it helps to sleep at 50% and also makes you Tnom soundly
We must therefore take a cup of warm milk before going to sleep
If you do not like dairy products, try to eat 1000 mg of calcium supplements just one hour before bedtime
Stop breathing
Once lay on the bed Take a deep breath and stopped breathing for 10 seconds He repeated these e movement several times
Studies have shown that this movement reduces the activity of brain waves and make it up to levels that normally occurs in the early stages before going to sleep
Massage Akaddmyin
The mere pressure on the soles of your toes for 30 seconds will help you to enter into a stage of sleep quickly
The reason is that the soles of the toes of the feet is directly linked with the brain The process of encouraging them to lead you to calm and relax
The smell of perfume
The study by the University "and Yaling Jesawit" in "Virginia," that the smell of jasmine helps to sleep more than any other smell
The studies found that exposure to Jasmine did not make patients only enter the sleep faster than those exposed to lavender perfume or who were not exposed to any fragrance .. But also, and found they were more actively during the day
Muscle twitch
Studies have shown that muscle strain five times and relax
Helps you to fall asleep because it requires you to focus your attention in a part of your body every time Thing that liberates the body from the effort and make it in the case of relaxation
Source unknown
Do you suffer from difficulties in sleep Here are some natural ways recommended by the experts and can lead you to sleep well and quiet .. You start reading and understanding required .. We hope you Sleep Well ...
Stand on one leg
He tried to stand on one leg for 30 seconds Movement may be strange, but useful When you focus your attention on keeping your balance is your brain also leaves aside all the functions The focus of this movement The result is that your mind more comfortable and relaxed and more clarity So when lay in bed asleep quickly يغلبك
Calcium intake
The researchers found that calcium works to relax the nervous system
And it helps to sleep at 50% and also makes you Tnom soundly
We must therefore take a cup of warm milk before going to sleep
If you do not like dairy products, try to eat 1000 mg of calcium supplements just one hour before bedtime
Stop breathing
Once lay on the bed Take a deep breath and stopped breathing for 10 seconds He repeated these e movement several times
Studies have shown that this movement reduces the activity of brain waves and make it up to levels that normally occurs in the early stages before going to sleep
Massage Akaddmyin
The mere pressure on the soles of your toes for 30 seconds will help you to enter into a stage of sleep quickly
The reason is that the soles of the toes of the feet is directly linked with the brain The process of encouraging them to lead you to calm and relax
The smell of perfume
The study by the University "and Yaling Jesawit" in "Virginia," that the smell of jasmine helps to sleep more than any other smell
The studies found that exposure to Jasmine did not make patients only enter the sleep faster than those exposed to lavender perfume or who were not exposed to any fragrance .. But also, and found they were more actively during the day
Muscle twitch
Studies have shown that muscle strain five times and relax
Helps you to fall asleep because it requires you to focus your attention in a part of your body every time Thing that liberates the body from the effort and make it in the case of relaxation
Source unknown
DO U HATE SOMEONE?
DO U HATE SOMEONE?
A Nice story with a good moral. Please go through. A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates. So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week. Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended....
The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! True love is not loving a perfect person but loving an imperfect person perfectly!!
A Nice story with a good moral. Please go through. A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, So the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates. So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week. Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended....
The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! True love is not loving a perfect person but loving an imperfect person perfectly!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
One Moment listen please
One Moment listen please
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
The Moment you are in Tension
You will lose your Attention
Then you are in total Confusion
And you will feel Irritation
Then you will spoil personal Relation
Ultimately, you won't get Co - Operation
Then you will make things Complication
Then your blood pressure may raise Caution
And you may have to take Medication
Instead, understand the Situation
And try to think about the Solution
Many problems will be solved by Discussion
This will work out better in your Profession
Don't think it's my free Suggestion
It's only for your Prevention
If you understand my Intention
You will never come again to Tension
- Bill Gates
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
This is a 'BEST JOKE' award winner in UK
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says 'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'. 'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says 'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.' Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.' The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.'
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Subject: Culture East Vs West
Subject: Culture East(R) Vs West(B)
Opinion
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
Source: Unknown
Opinion
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like their own the restaurant .
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is, rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity .
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
Source: Unknown
Good reflections
Good reflections
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.]
************ ********* ********* ********* ******
The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]
************ ********* ********* ********* *****
The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river. The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of acussations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony.Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river, that is after the unpleasant event is over.This will immediately remove all our agonies.There is no need to be further h urt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]
Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October.
"Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."*****
* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview...."Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."*****
* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?
"Wife: "No! Why?
"Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.
"Wife : ?????????*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."*****
* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard "*WASH BASIN* "*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."*****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...* At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and so he did it!
Interviewer : "What is your birth date?"
Muthu : "13th October.
"Interviewer : "Which year?"
Muthu : "Every year."*****
* MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview...."Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."*****
* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?
"Wife: "No! Why?
"Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.
"Wife : ?????????*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."*****
* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard "*WASH BASIN* "*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."*****
*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...* At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and so he did it!
Embarrassing Medical Moments
Embarrassing Medical Moments
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's 2-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every 6 hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." _.___
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's 2-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every 6 hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body! The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about 20 years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." _.___
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A MODERN DAY PARABLE . .
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Sunday, December 20, 2009
SINGH JOKES
SINGH JOKES
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.' Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!' Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.' The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again,looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him,'Is something wrong?' To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!'
=============================================
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, ' No, I am Banta Singh.' Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No No Me Banta Singh!' Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.' The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================================
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today andTomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year. Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?' The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...' Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
================================================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. 'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' ..'
================================================
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell. So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for blood test' The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid ? ' He replied, ' No, not that. During the blood test they will cut my finger' Hearing this, the second Singh started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)