Quote

Watch Your Thoughts; They Become Words Watch Your Words;

They Become Your Actions Watch Your Actions;

They Become Your Habits Watch Your Habits;

They Become Your Character Watch Your Character; It Becomes Your Destiny

Do You Know Someone Like That...........?

Do You Know Someone Like That...........?

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house..To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung asign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!

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*One day I was walking down the beach withsome friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!'Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked theestate agent which direction was north becausehe didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'My brother explained that the sun rises in the eastand has for sometime. She shook her head and said,'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,when we overheard an admin girl talking about thesunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.She drove down in a convertible, but saidshe 'didn't think she'd get sunburnedbecause the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her carwhich is designed to cut through a seat beltif she gets trapped.. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a womanwith a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must ripout every time she turns her head!"I had to explain that a person's nose and earremain the same distance apart nomatter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.The woman there smiled and told me not to worrybecause she was a trained professional andsaid I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,'Has your plane arrived yet?'....(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a manordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone andthe cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some timethen said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungryenough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!

Push

Push

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes

To the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

When a woman lies

When a woman lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.


The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Ladies of a certain age!

Ladies of a certain age!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?

Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"




(You'll love this)






























God replied: "I didn't fuckin' recognize you."

Top 3 SMS of the Year

Top 3 SMS of the Year

BEST SMS OF THE YEAR:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.

Second Best:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.

Third Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens

Honesty

Honesty

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

What an after-life!

What an after-life!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, " Marion ..... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then must have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf Course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and, then the next day, it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..."

Jokes - Adults only

Jokes - Adults only


Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer:Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!

An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.

Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear...".
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".

Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!

2 prostitutes were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Bitch 1 : I smell sperm!
Bitch 2 : Sorry, I burped!!!

Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"

What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife? For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.

Love is a complicated piece of machinery. Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.

What's the difference between biology and sociology? When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" God said, "Okay" and Poof! Dracula turned into a sanitary pad".

Cooool!

Cooool!

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!


2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.. Think about it.


3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!


4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!


5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!


6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. They said, he who never lived, cannot die!


8. So many options for suicide: Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we choose Marriage, slow sure!


9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rests have girlfriends!


10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!


11. Drinking is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru. We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi . Now, whom to follow and which one to choose?


12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which means - it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!!

Catholic Coffee

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well.....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Don't l i e to k i ds

Don't l i e to k i ds

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, 'What's under there?' The man answers, 'A bird.'

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs!'

THE DEAD DUCK

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure.

The duck is dead,' he replied. 'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150.

the hammer

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom cried out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom cried out again, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.

But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.

Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

This one made me laugh

This one made me laugh

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight.

Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples! pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very profes sional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said.

'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Always remember not to call names in front of kids……..

Always remember not to call names in front of kids…….. The teacher gave each child a sweet at school ...


The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red........................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

The Wedding Ring

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Jokes

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizi ng that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!

prayers

Man kneeling by Bed.

Wife says, "What are you praying for?"

Husband says, "Guidance"

Wife says, "Rather pray for STIFFNESS, I'll guide the f**king thing myself!"

Play with words

This has got to be one of the cleverestE-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER


Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

The ABCs Of Marketing....

The ABCs Of Marketing....


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has across in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many peoplego by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In
fact, they would probably give him more just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!

THE BEAUTY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE !!!


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

4 WIVES

4 WIVES

Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the 4th wife the most and adored her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.
The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

*********************************************************************
One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'
Thus, he asked the 4th wife , 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.
********************************************
The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd wife. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!' His heart sank and turned cold.
**********************************************
He then asked the 2nd wife, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?''I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd wife. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' ***********************************************
Her answer struck him like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was very skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the King said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'
*************************************************
In truth, we all have the 4 wives in our lives:

Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth.When we die, it will all go to others.

Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray...

Universal Laws...

Universal Laws...


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5 Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7 Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

KIDS IN CHURCH

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peace, love and happiness

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

---
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.


She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.


The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'

Two nuns

Two nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with the last instruction of the Mother Superior that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door."Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Why divorce?

Why divorce? ·

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. · She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." · The judge asked, "How do you know?" · She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Love Your Enemy ·

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." · "Samy! But he is your enemy!" · "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Wedding Ring ·
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" · The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Why? · "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. · "Why, Dad? Tell me why!" · Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Same Service ·
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." · "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Talk about Husband
One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Love To Do ·
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" · "I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."


No Answer Back ·
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." · One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?" · The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Come Home Late ·
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. · "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. · "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" · The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Problem Father ·
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" · He replied, "I'm going to be a father." · "But that's wonderful," I said.

Virginity Test.

Virginity Test.



A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he can tellif his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can ofblue paint and a shovel.' The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?' The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red andthe other ball blue, and if she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls Iever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.'

Men and women

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says: - "I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines.

The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.

I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates.

Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.

Learn from him!"

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

hahaha...!

hahaha...!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, 'Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent.'

Best Joke Award winner in UK.

Best Joke Award winner in UK.

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain .

Revenge

Revenge



A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

Choosing a wife

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover..

She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Indian goes shopping...

Indian goes shopping...

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot? The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”

Holy crap…funny stuff!!! Too many favorites… l

Holy crap…funny stuff!!! Too many favorites… l

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

THE BROTHEL...

THE BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.."I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam..
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh.""Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Have a good laugh .

Have a good laugh .

---
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss




The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina



TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS IT ON !HOPE IT MADE YOU LAUGH!

Two Ladies entered Heaven

Two Ladies entered Heaven
1st woman: Hi!
2nd woman: Hi! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that myhusband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..
1st woman: Then what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

joke

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart..

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Breathing Therapy

Breathing Therapy


The nose has a left and a right side; we use both to inhale and exhale.
Actually they are different; you would be able to feel the difference.
The right side represents the sun, left side represents the moon.
During a headache, try to close your right nose and use your left noseto breathe.

In about 5 mins, your headache will be gone?
If you feel tired, just reverse, close your left nose and breathe through your right nose.
After a while, you will feel your mind is refreshed.
Right side belongs to 'hot', so it gets heated up easily, left side belongs to 'cold'.
Most females breathe with their left noses, so they get "cooled off" faster.
Most of the guys breathe with their right noses, they get worked up.



Do you notice the moment we wake up, which side breathes faster? Left or right? ?

If left is faster, you will feel tired.So, close your left nose and use your right nose for breathing, you will get refreshed quickly.

This can be taught to kids, but it is more effective when practiced by adults.

My friend used to have bad headaches and was always visiting the doctor.

There was this period when he suffered headache literally every night, unable to study.

He took painkillers, did not work.

He decided to try out the breathing therapy here: closed his right nose and breathed through his left nose.

In less than a week, his headaches were gone! He continued the exercise for one month.

This alternative natural therapy without medication is something that he has experienced.

So, why not give it a try?

Adult Jokes

Adult Jokes

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce..
She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."

Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out".
Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: "What are you doing?"
Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the bastard!"

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY.

It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!
A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted then before.
Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought U said 3 MALES a day!!!!

Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It.
If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!

A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant. She cried n said, "Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!"

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked " Do U have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, " My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION".
Class Teacher: " Why not?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"

Mother asks daughter, how is married life?
Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.
Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked.
It says " 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!

What is the STRONGEST muscle?
TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!.
The lightest muscle?
PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!

Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu..
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back:
FUCK YOU!
Now what's your full name?
Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!

Man to wife: Business is bad, if u learn how to cook we can remove servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck, we can remove driver, gardener & watchman...

COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar.
You always get INSIDE and leave us waiting OUTSIDE!

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?
Mama dog reply: How I know.
Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face" !

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when both are pregnant!

Actual call centre conversations!!!!!

Actual call centre conversations!!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

********

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

********

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

********
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

********

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

********

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

********

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

********

Tech Support: 'I need you to right click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.Tech Support: 'Did you get a popup menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.Tech Support: 'OK. Right Click again. Do you see a popup menu?'
Customer: 'No'.Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

********
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

********
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

********

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a longtime.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. '
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared. '
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does ithave a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !

this is a good one...

this is a good one...


Subject: I e-meow U, U e-meow me

Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.
You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years Annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family.
I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,

Ah Beng

Joke

Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian.

The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative.

He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat.

The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.

The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking.

The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc.

He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking.

The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian.

Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard.

The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian to the Japanese, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

Source : unknown

3 ladies were on a flight

3 ladies were on a flight.

Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first.

On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewelleries.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.

The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

Joke

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work .

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks..'

Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'

Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$1,000.'

A few weeks later it happened again , and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: 'How much?'

The Boy says:'$5,000.'

The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: 'Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game.'

The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000.'

The Father says: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your 'SINS.'

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Priest says: 'Don't start that again!' THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !

A Chat with Heart Specialist - Very Useful!

A Chat with Heart Specialist - Very Useful!

A chat with Heart Specialist was arranged by WIPRO for its employees . The transcript of the chat is given below. Useful for everyone.

Qn: What are the thumb rules for a layman to take care of his heart?
Ans: 1. Diet - Less of carbohydrate, more of protein, less oil
2. Exercise - Half an hour's walk, at least five days a week; avoid lifts and avoid sitting for a longtime
3. Quit smoking
4. Control weight
5. Control blood pressure and sugar

Qn: Is eating non-veg food (fish) good for the heart?
Ans: No

Qn: It's still a grave shock to hear that some apparently healthy person gets a cardiac arrest. How do we understand it in perspective?
Ans: This is called silent attack; that is why we recommend everyone past the age of 30 to undergo routine health checkups.

Qn: Are heart diseases hereditary?
Ans: Yes

Qn: What are the ways in which the heart is stressed? What practices do you suggest to de-stress?
Ans: Change your attitude towards life. Do not look for perfection in everything in life.

Qn: Is walking better than jogging or is more intensive exercise required to keep a healthy heart?
Ans: Walking is better than jogging since jogging leads to early fatigue and injury to joints

Qn: You have done so much for the poor and needy. What has inspired you to do so?
Ans: Mother Theresa , who was my patient

Qn: Can people with low blood pressure suffer heart diseases?
Ans: Extremely rare

Qn: Does cholesterol accumulates right from an early age (I'm currently only 22) or do you have to worry about it only after you are above 30 years of age?
Ans: Cholesterol accumulates from childhood.

Qn: How do irregular eating habits affect the heart ?
Ans: You tend to eat junk food when the habits are irregular and your body's enzyme release for digestion gets confused.

Qn: How can I control cholesterol content without using medicines?
Ans: Control diet, walk and eat walnut.

Qn: Can yoga prevent heart ailments?
Ans: Yoga helps.

Qn: Which is the best and worst food for the heart?
Ans: Fruits and vegetables are the best and the worst is oil.

Qn: Which oil is better - groundnut, sunflower, olive?
Ans: All oils are bad .

Qn: What is the routine checkup one should go through? Is there any specific test?
Ans: Routine blood test to ensure sugar, cholesterol is ok. Check BP, Treadmill test after an echo.

Qn: What are the first aid steps to be taken on a heart attack?
Ans: Help the person into a sleeping position , place an aspirin tablet under the tongue with a sorbitrate tablet if available, and rush him to a coronary care unit since the maximum casualty takes place within the first hour.

Qn: How do you differentiate between pain caused by a heart attack and that caused due to gastric trouble?
Ans: Extremely difficult without ECG.

Qn: What is the main cause of a steep increase in heart problems amongst youngsters? I see people of about 30-40 yrs of age having heart attacks and serious heart problems.
Ans: Increased awareness has increased incidents. Also, s edentary lifestyles, smoking, junk food, lack of exercise in a country where people are genetically three times more vulnerable for heart attacks than Europeans and Americans.

Qn: Is it possible for a person to have BP outside the normal range of 120/80 and yet be perfectly healthy?
Ans: Yes.

Qn: Marriages within close relatives can lead to heart problems for the child. Is it true?
Ans : Yes, co-sanguinity leads to congenital abnormalities and you may not have a software engineer as a child

Qn: Many of us have an irregular daily routine and many a times we have to stay late nights in office. Does this affect our heart ? What precautions would you recommend?
Ans : When you are young, nature protects you against all these irregularities. However, as you grow older, respect the biological clock.

Qn: Will taking anti-hypertensive drugs cause some other complications (short / long term)? Ans : Yes, most drugs have some side effects. However, modern anti-hypertensive drugs are extremely safe.

Qn: Will consuming more coffee/tea lead to heart attacks?
Ans : No.

Qn: Are asthma patients more prone to heart disease? Ans : No.

Qn: How would you define junk food?
Ans : Fried food like Kentucky , McDonalds , samosas, and even masala dosas.

Qn: You mentioned that Indians are three times more vulnerable. What is the reason for this, as Europeans and Americans also eat a lot of junk food?
Ans: Every race is vulnerable to some disease and unfortunately, Indians are vulnerable for the most expensive disease.

Qn: Does consuming bananas help reduce hypertension?
Ans : No.

Qn: Can a person help himself during a heart attack (Because we see a lot of forwarded emails on this)?
Ans : Yes. Lie down comfortably and put an aspirin tablet of any description under the tongue and ask someone to take you to the nearest coronary care unit without any delay and do not wait for the ambulance since most of the time, the ambulance does not turn up.

Qn: Do, in any way, low white blood cells and low hemoglobin count lead to heart problems? Ans : No. But it is ideal to have normal hemoglobin level to increase your exercise capacity.

Qn: Sometimes, due to the hectic schedule we are not able to exercise. So, does walking while doing daily chores at home or climbing the stairs in the house, work as a substitute for exercise? Ans : Certainly. Avoid sitting continuously for more than half an hour and even the act of getting out of the chair and going to another chair and sitting helps a lot.

Qn: Is there a relation between heart problems and blood sugar?
Ans: Yes. A strong relationship since diabetics are more vulnerable to heart attacks than non-diabetics.

Qn: What are the things one needs to take care of after a heart operation?
Ans : Diet, exercise, drugs on time , Control cholesterol, BP, weight.

Qn: Are people working on night shifts more vulnerable to heart disease when compared to day shift workers?
Ans : No.

Qn: What are the modern anti-hypertensive drugs?
Ans : There are hundreds of drugs and your doctor will chose the right combination for your problem, but my suggestion is to avoid the drugs and go for natural ways of controlling blood pressure by walk, diet to reduce weight and changing attitudes towards lifestyles.

Qn: Does dispirin or similar headache pills increase the risk of heart attacks?
Ans : No.

Qn: Why is the rate of heart attacks more in men than in women?
Ans : Nature protects women till the age of 45.

Qn: How can one keep the heart in a good condition?
Ans : Eat a healthy diet, avoid junk food, exercise everyday, do not smoke and, go for health checkup s if you are past the age of 30 ( once in six months recommended) ....

Send it to all your friends....... They might be benefitted……

Jokes

Jokes
Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.


Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new


Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- "1 Miss Call".

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?

Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?"
Smart Sardar Replied: "No! 35 Children R More than Enough!!"

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.


Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.


Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay ..
While its landing he shouted: "Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok. Ombay. Ombay"

Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: "I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied: "I Mr YOU" !!.
Sardar: Doctor! My Son swallowed a key
Doctor: When?
Sardar: 3 Months Ago
Dr:Wat were u doing till now?
Sardar: We were using duplicate key
Why Sardar opens his lunch box in the middle of the road???
Just 2 confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office....

After finishing MBBS, Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st
Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: Torch is okay"

Once upon a time there lived a king.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
:-[

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)






























M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


What were you thinking??






U dirty mind! Have a Great Week n wishing you happiness forever!

What do retired people do all day?

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day Jack went into town and went into a shop.

He was only in there for about 5 minutes, when he came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

He went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break?

'He ignored him and continued writing the ticket.

So he called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So he called him a s---head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more Jack abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, Jack didn't care.

Coz''''He'd gone into town by bus.

He was try to have a little fun each day now that he's retired.

It's important at his age..........