A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."
Source: recieved by email
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Weight Loss Plan
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Source: unknown
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Source: unknown
A cuckoo clock that talk, giggle and fart
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p***d off in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Source: recieved by email
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem p***d off in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Source: recieved by email
A what?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Source: a what?
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Source: a what?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sleep better with birth control pills
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
Source: unknown
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
Source: unknown
Play your age
A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Source : unknown
A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Source : unknown
"What gender is a computer?"
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Source unknown
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Source unknown
Friday, November 26, 2010
Advice from daddy
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Source: unknown
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Source: unknown
Game Of Intelligence
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Source: unknown
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Source: unknown
Save the best for supper
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Source: unknown
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Source: unknown
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Why I fired my secretary
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Source unknown.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Source unknown.
Monday, November 22, 2010
How to Find Love
A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."
The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"
"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."
"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.
The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender's advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.
"What's the matter, sir, wasn't my advice effective?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I've ever met."
I don't understand. What's your problem then?"
"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife's the one is the problem now."
The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"
"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."
"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.
The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender's advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.
"What's the matter, sir, wasn't my advice effective?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I've ever met."
I don't understand. What's your problem then?"
"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife's the one is the problem now."
What Not To Put On Your Application For Employment
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
My Boyfriend is Stuck
My Boyfriend is Stuck
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
(Thanks Madison)
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
(Thanks Madison)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
JokesL Chong Shan entered Standard four.
Subject: Chong Shan entered Standard four.
It was the first day of a school in Kulai, Johor and a new Chinese student named Chong Shan entered Standard four.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Malaysian History. Who said 'Merdeka, Merdeka
"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chong Shan who had his handup: 'Tengku Abdul Rahman, 31 August 1957' he said.
'Very good! Who said ' China ’s authoritarian rule is more effective than the ‘democracy’ practiced in Malaysia ?
''Again, no response except from Chong Shan. 'Mamakkutty from Kerala, 2010' he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Boys, you should be ashamed. Zhong Shan, who is a pendatang to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: '@#$** ___ the Chinese. ''Who said that?' she demanded. Chong Shan put his hand up. 'Perkasa Chief, Ibrahim Ali.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'yeah, I am Malay first, Malaysian second!
'Chong Shan jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Muhideen Mohd Yassin, 2010'.
At that point, a student in the back said, 'Correct, correct, correct!
'The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that? 'Again, Chong Shan says, 'Lawyer VK Lingam in a telephone conversation brokering the appointment of top judges with the former ChiefJustice.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot compete with the Chinese and Indian students.'
Chong Shan frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Mamakkutty from Kerala in Medical College .'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chong Shan said quietly, 'I think it was Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan, 2008'.
It was the first day of a school in Kulai, Johor and a new Chinese student named Chong Shan entered Standard four.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Malaysian History. Who said 'Merdeka, Merdeka
"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chong Shan who had his handup: 'Tengku Abdul Rahman, 31 August 1957' he said.
'Very good! Who said ' China ’s authoritarian rule is more effective than the ‘democracy’ practiced in Malaysia ?
''Again, no response except from Chong Shan. 'Mamakkutty from Kerala, 2010' he said.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Boys, you should be ashamed. Zhong Shan, who is a pendatang to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: '@#$** ___ the Chinese. ''Who said that?' she demanded. Chong Shan put his hand up. 'Perkasa Chief, Ibrahim Ali.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'yeah, I am Malay first, Malaysian second!
'Chong Shan jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Muhideen Mohd Yassin, 2010'.
At that point, a student in the back said, 'Correct, correct, correct!
'The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that? 'Again, Chong Shan says, 'Lawyer VK Lingam in a telephone conversation brokering the appointment of top judges with the former ChiefJustice.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot compete with the Chinese and Indian students.'
Chong Shan frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Mamakkutty from Kerala in Medical College .'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chong Shan said quietly, 'I think it was Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan, 2008'.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Singapore Joke - Goddess and God
Singapore Joke - Goddess and God
A European tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed astatue, with two faces, a man and a woman, back to back, by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.
The monk explained that in the Chinese belief of yin and yang,positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the statuewith two sides ensures that the universal balance is maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"The one with the man's face is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."
A European tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed astatue, with two faces, a man and a woman, back to back, by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.
The monk explained that in the Chinese belief of yin and yang,positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the statuewith two sides ensures that the universal balance is maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"The one with the man's face is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Where is the logic?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Only locals do not want to get their hands dirty????
Foreign workers willing to? Funny isn't it?
How about working in a restaurant? Local also scare of dirty????
Where is the logic?
----------------------thestar------------------
Locals don’t want to get their hands dirty
By REENA NATHAN reena.n@thestar.com.my
SUBANG JAYA: Foreign farm workers are necessary for the survival of the farming sector as locals are unwilling to take up such jobs.
Federation of Livestock Farmers Association Malaysia vice-president Lee Lee Kong said that this was because Malaysians are very choosy.
“They only want to work in comfortable environments,” Lee said.
He added that 70% of his farm workers happen to be foreigners from India, Bangladesh and Myanmar as locals refuse to take up such menial jobs.
“They (foreigners) are willing to stay in the farms and are very hardworking.
I have to admit, these jobs are very tough and you have to get your hands dirty,” said Lee.
He added that the proposal to reduce the number of foreign workers in Malaysia will have a great impact on the livestock sector.
Lee noted that farm workers are in fact paid higher wages than those working in factories.
“They (locals) still prefer to work in factories which are in urban centres compared to farms located in remote areas,” said Lee at the Alltech Draw My Farm Carnival award ceremony yesterday.
The government has been actively encouraging the development of the agricultural sector and promotion of food security, noted Lee.
“We hope more young people will venture into this industry,” he added.
Alltech general manager Dr Richard Chong said that young people entering the industry will have a very exciting future.
“There are lots of technological challenges in this industry.
“We need young entrepreneurs to develop new techniques,” said Dr Chong.
Only locals do not want to get their hands dirty????
Foreign workers willing to? Funny isn't it?
How about working in a restaurant? Local also scare of dirty????
Where is the logic?
----------------------thestar------------------
Locals don’t want to get their hands dirty
By REENA NATHAN reena.n@thestar.com.my
SUBANG JAYA: Foreign farm workers are necessary for the survival of the farming sector as locals are unwilling to take up such jobs.
Federation of Livestock Farmers Association Malaysia vice-president Lee Lee Kong said that this was because Malaysians are very choosy.
“They only want to work in comfortable environments,” Lee said.
He added that 70% of his farm workers happen to be foreigners from India, Bangladesh and Myanmar as locals refuse to take up such menial jobs.
“They (foreigners) are willing to stay in the farms and are very hardworking.
I have to admit, these jobs are very tough and you have to get your hands dirty,” said Lee.
He added that the proposal to reduce the number of foreign workers in Malaysia will have a great impact on the livestock sector.
Lee noted that farm workers are in fact paid higher wages than those working in factories.
“They (locals) still prefer to work in factories which are in urban centres compared to farms located in remote areas,” said Lee at the Alltech Draw My Farm Carnival award ceremony yesterday.
The government has been actively encouraging the development of the agricultural sector and promotion of food security, noted Lee.
“We hope more young people will venture into this industry,” he added.
Alltech general manager Dr Richard Chong said that young people entering the industry will have a very exciting future.
“There are lots of technological challenges in this industry.
“We need young entrepreneurs to develop new techniques,” said Dr Chong.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Aussie Humour
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia now and there is no "Mohammed".
From now on your name will be "Bruce" replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not 'Mohammed'.
I am in Australia and now my name is 'Bruce'."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you." and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely too.
The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!..."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia now and there is no "Mohammed".
From now on your name will be "Bruce" replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not 'Mohammed'.
I am in Australia and now my name is 'Bruce'."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you." and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely too.
The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!..."
Monday, November 15, 2010
One of a kind parents
Some parents are one of a kind. Have they thought who will lose out later, their children who do not go to schools because of their sillyness.
If you are the the canteen operator, would you sell food when there is little demand for it?
------------------------thestar------------------
Parents boycott school over canteen issue
Makkal Osai reported that parents have decided not to send their children studying in SJK (T) St Mary located within the Vision School complex in Parit Buntar to school after their request for a separate canteen was not entertained.
Parents said they had decided to take this drastic action after six years of struggle. They said that Tamil school pupils and teachers were finding it difficult to get vegetarian and Indian food.
They forwarded their request for a separate canteen to the Perak Education Department through the Parent-Teacher Association and also held a demonstration in front of the school on Sept 2.
Parents said that they were told that a separate canteen was against the Vision School policy.
Parents argued that other Vision Schools in USJ, Selangor and Bendut, Perak have separate canteens which were approved by the education department but their request was rejected.
They said that their children will only return to school once a separate canteen was allowed.
If you are the the canteen operator, would you sell food when there is little demand for it?
------------------------thestar------------------
Parents boycott school over canteen issue
Makkal Osai reported that parents have decided not to send their children studying in SJK (T) St Mary located within the Vision School complex in Parit Buntar to school after their request for a separate canteen was not entertained.
Parents said they had decided to take this drastic action after six years of struggle. They said that Tamil school pupils and teachers were finding it difficult to get vegetarian and Indian food.
They forwarded their request for a separate canteen to the Perak Education Department through the Parent-Teacher Association and also held a demonstration in front of the school on Sept 2.
Parents said that they were told that a separate canteen was against the Vision School policy.
Parents argued that other Vision Schools in USJ, Selangor and Bendut, Perak have separate canteens which were approved by the education department but their request was rejected.
They said that their children will only return to school once a separate canteen was allowed.
I won USD $1,525,000 today
Today I won lottery more that $1.5 million at a Texas lottery I did not join at all.
I have been 'winning' lottery everyday and at the rate it is going I will be a billionaire and my name will one be listed in the Fortune magazine. ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------
Texas Lottery Winners
Reply Texas Lottery to me show details 9:33 PM (10 hours ago)
http://www.txlottery.org
15/11/2010
Gadball/Powerball
draw no. 17-30-48-51-54 PB: 29
Your e-mail has won you $1,525,000.00 ( One Million Five Hundred and Twenty Five Thousand United States Dollars) from the Texas International Lottery Random Electronic Email Balloting.
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE :
Texas Lottery Commission
P.O. Box 16630 Austin, TX 78761-6630,
United States of America.
Phone; +1-800-375-6886 +1 512-344-5000 +1 504-522-3100
Fax; 512-344-5080Email; (2051360@gadball.com) or(centerforcontrol2010@mail.ru)
You are requested to contact any of our control center above with these information;
1) Your Name:
2)Contact Address:
3)Country...
4)Mobile No....
5)Sex...
6)Age...
7)Occupation...
Lottery Notice Team. Winners must be 18 years or older
Disclaimer note on content of this message including enclosure(s) and attachments(s): The contents of this e-mail are the privileged and confidential material of TLB. The information is solely intended for the individual/entity it is addressed to. If you are not the intended recipient of this message,please be aware that you are not authorized in any which way whatsoever to read, forward, print,retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part of it. We apologize if you have received this e-mail in error and would request you to please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and delete it from your computer.The views expressed in this e-mail message are those of the individual sender,except where the sender expressly, and with authority, states them to be the views of VSNL.This e-mail message including attachment(s), if any, is believed to be free of any virus and TLB is not responsible for any loss or damage arising in any lost. All logos, text, content, including underlying HTML code, designs, and graphics used and/or depicted in this Internet web site are protected under United States and international copyright and trademark laws and treaties, and may not be used or reproduced without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission. The following are federally registered trademarks or service marks of the Texas Lottery Commission, certain of the logos or designs for which have also been registered with the U.S. Copyright Office as indicated by “and ©.” None of the following may be used without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission:
I have been 'winning' lottery everyday and at the rate it is going I will be a billionaire and my name will one be listed in the Fortune magazine. ha ha ha ha
-----------------------------------
Texas Lottery Winners
Reply Texas Lottery to me show details 9:33 PM (10 hours ago)
http://www.txlottery.org
15/11/2010
Gadball/Powerball
draw no. 17-30-48-51-54 PB: 29
Your e-mail has won you $1,525,000.00 ( One Million Five Hundred and Twenty Five Thousand United States Dollars) from the Texas International Lottery Random Electronic Email Balloting.
HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE :
Texas Lottery Commission
P.O. Box 16630 Austin, TX 78761-6630,
United States of America.
Phone; +1-800-375-6886 +1 512-344-5000 +1 504-522-3100
Fax; 512-344-5080Email; (2051360@gadball.com) or(centerforcontrol2010@mail.ru)
You are requested to contact any of our control center above with these information;
1) Your Name:
2)Contact Address:
3)Country...
4)Mobile No....
5)Sex...
6)Age...
7)Occupation...
Lottery Notice Team. Winners must be 18 years or older
Disclaimer note on content of this message including enclosure(s) and attachments(s): The contents of this e-mail are the privileged and confidential material of TLB. The information is solely intended for the individual/entity it is addressed to. If you are not the intended recipient of this message,please be aware that you are not authorized in any which way whatsoever to read, forward, print,retain, copy or disseminate this message or any part of it. We apologize if you have received this e-mail in error and would request you to please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail and delete it from your computer.The views expressed in this e-mail message are those of the individual sender,except where the sender expressly, and with authority, states them to be the views of VSNL.This e-mail message including attachment(s), if any, is believed to be free of any virus and TLB is not responsible for any loss or damage arising in any lost. All logos, text, content, including underlying HTML code, designs, and graphics used and/or depicted in this Internet web site are protected under United States and international copyright and trademark laws and treaties, and may not be used or reproduced without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission. The following are federally registered trademarks or service marks of the Texas Lottery Commission, certain of the logos or designs for which have also been registered with the U.S. Copyright Office as indicated by “and ©.” None of the following may be used without the prior express written permission of the Texas Lottery Commission:
Sunday, November 14, 2010
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A FIFA MATCH IN AFRICA.
THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A FIFA MATCH IN AFRICA. THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND...
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA...
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, “I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND ... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE...!"
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, “WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!”
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA...
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, “I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE...”
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND ... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE...!"
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, “WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!”
Golf joke
Golf joke
2 guys playing golf.
The women in front of them are really taking own time and slowing the men.
So one man say to friend: "I'm goinna to ask those ladies if we can play through".
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around & walk back.
Surprised Friend ask "what happened?"
Man replies "one of those women is my wife and other is my mistress.!
"Eerh Why don't you go talk to them instead?"
So 2nd man starts to walk over.
He gets halfway there and turn around.
When he gets back, his friend ask now what happen?
His reply..... " small world".....
Saturday, November 06, 2010
First chicken pox now ulcer and gastritis and what is next....
Ha ha ha ha ha
First chicken pox now gastritis and what is next..........
ha ha ha ha ha ...............
========================================
Liow: Najib treated for minor ulcer and gastritis
KUALA LUMPUR: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak is in fine condition after undergoing further examination for minor ulcer and gastritis at the VIP ward, Kuala Lumpur Hospital (HKL) here.
Health Minister Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai said: “The Prime Minister’s ailment could probably be due to the chicken pox that he was suffering from for the past few days.
“I don’t know how long he would be warded because chicken pox takes quite a long time to recover from, that is up to seven or eight days.”
Liow spent about 50 minutes at the Prime Minister’s ward before leaving at 11.45am together with the Director-General of Health, Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican and Kuala Lumpur Hospital Director Datuk Dr Zaininah Mohd Zain.
Dr Mohd Ismail, in a statement said that an endoscopy was carried out on Najib and it showed that he had minor ulcer and gastritis.
Others who visited Najib yesterday included the Malaysian ambassador to the United States Datuk Seri Jamaluddin Jarjis. — Bernama
First chicken pox now gastritis and what is next..........
ha ha ha ha ha ...............
========================================
Liow: Najib treated for minor ulcer and gastritis
KUALA LUMPUR: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak is in fine condition after undergoing further examination for minor ulcer and gastritis at the VIP ward, Kuala Lumpur Hospital (HKL) here.
Health Minister Datuk Seri Liow Tiong Lai said: “The Prime Minister’s ailment could probably be due to the chicken pox that he was suffering from for the past few days.
“I don’t know how long he would be warded because chicken pox takes quite a long time to recover from, that is up to seven or eight days.”
Liow spent about 50 minutes at the Prime Minister’s ward before leaving at 11.45am together with the Director-General of Health, Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican and Kuala Lumpur Hospital Director Datuk Dr Zaininah Mohd Zain.
Dr Mohd Ismail, in a statement said that an endoscopy was carried out on Najib and it showed that he had minor ulcer and gastritis.
Others who visited Najib yesterday included the Malaysian ambassador to the United States Datuk Seri Jamaluddin Jarjis. — Bernama
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Li Ka Shing sent me an email
Li Ka shing sent me an email.
Ha ha ha is this possible?
His Foundation uses a YAHOO email..... ha ha ha is this possible?
Can a Foundation be a venture capital firm????????
----------------------------------------
Equity Investment Venture
Reply Li Ka Shing show details 2:29 AM (3 hours ago)
Dear Entrepreneur,
Li Ka Shing Foundation is a venture capital firm specializing in growth capital investments. It seeks to invest in public and private securitiesin a broad range of areas including real estate, energy, oil and gas,emerging markets, and high-technology. Within the technology sector, the firm focuses on communications, software, and digital content andservices.
We wish to invest between $2Million-$20Million in any viable projects that your company requires funding on an investor capacity, On review of your company's Business Plan we shall determine on the projects possible funding. This will be a private and confidential Investments.
Endeavor to respond promptly if the investment proposal meets your company's Approval please reply to this email:maureensmith999@yahoo.com
Kind Regards,
Li Ka Shing.
LKS Foundation
Address: 7/F Cheung Kong Center
2 Queen’s Road Central
Hong KongWebsite:http://www.lksf.org/
Ha ha ha is this possible?
His Foundation uses a YAHOO email..... ha ha ha is this possible?
Can a Foundation be a venture capital firm????????
----------------------------------------
Equity Investment Venture
Reply Li Ka Shing show details 2:29 AM (3 hours ago)
Dear Entrepreneur,
Li Ka Shing Foundation is a venture capital firm specializing in growth capital investments. It seeks to invest in public and private securitiesin a broad range of areas including real estate, energy, oil and gas,emerging markets, and high-technology. Within the technology sector, the firm focuses on communications, software, and digital content andservices.
We wish to invest between $2Million-$20Million in any viable projects that your company requires funding on an investor capacity, On review of your company's Business Plan we shall determine on the projects possible funding. This will be a private and confidential Investments.
Endeavor to respond promptly if the investment proposal meets your company's Approval please reply to this email:maureensmith999@yahoo.com
Kind Regards,
Li Ka Shing.
LKS Foundation
Address: 7/F Cheung Kong Center
2 Queen’s Road Central
Hong KongWebsite:http://www.lksf.org/
Winning $1 million without buying any products
Today is my lucky day. I just do not believe it. I just won one million dollar without buying and products or lottery ticket.
Do you all know that Coca Cola and British Tobacco Company organised this lucky draw? Is this possible? ha ha ha
Would you believe that this lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board, and why the prize money is paid in dollar instead of Stering pound is beyond my understanding?
There must be a lot of suckers around.... ha ha ha
---------------------------------------------------------
THE COCA COLA COMPANY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
DEPT COCA COLA AVENUE
LONDON B315EN
UNITED KINGDOM
THE COCA COLA COMPANY PRIZE NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (4TH of October, 2010) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won $1,000,000.00 each on the THE COCA COLA COMPANY PROMOTION. However the results were released on the 24th of october, 2010 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2007) and ballot number (BT:12052007/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of (29,031)E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.In other to claim your $1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank.
CONTACT PROMOTION MANAGER
=========================================
Name:Mr Frank Johnson
Phone # :+44 7024074773
FAX # : +44 (0) 810 678 0681
E MAIL: (mrfrankjohnson@w.cn)
Your Sincerely,
Sir Milan Fist
Chairman Coca Cola Online International Promotion
=========================================================
Note:Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to,disqualification Anybody under the age of 16 cannot participate in this program.Do Not Reply To This Office As You Are To Contact The Promotion Manager with Your Informations To Enable Processing Of Winnings.
Do you all know that Coca Cola and British Tobacco Company organised this lucky draw? Is this possible? ha ha ha
Would you believe that this lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board, and why the prize money is paid in dollar instead of Stering pound is beyond my understanding?
There must be a lot of suckers around.... ha ha ha
---------------------------------------------------------
THE COCA COLA COMPANY
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD
DEPT COCA COLA AVENUE
LONDON B315EN
UNITED KINGDOM
THE COCA COLA COMPANY PRIZE NOTIFICATION
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (4TH of October, 2010) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among the 20 Lucky winners who won $1,000,000.00 each on the THE COCA COLA COMPANY PROMOTION. However the results were released on the 24th of october, 2010 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2007) and ballot number (BT:12052007/20) The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of (29,031)E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses were assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.In other to claim your $1,000,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank.
CONTACT PROMOTION MANAGER
=========================================
Name:Mr Frank Johnson
Phone # :+44 7024074773
FAX # : +44 (0) 810 678 0681
E MAIL: (mrfrankjohnson@w.cn)
Your Sincerely,
Sir Milan Fist
Chairman Coca Cola Online International Promotion
=========================================================
Note:Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to,disqualification Anybody under the age of 16 cannot participate in this program.Do Not Reply To This Office As You Are To Contact The Promotion Manager with Your Informations To Enable Processing Of Winnings.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Another con email
Do you think anybody will fall for the below scam?
Ha ha ha......... who knows??????
-----------------------------------------------
diplomat is ready to meet you but stranded
Reply Dr. sule Aboki show details 8:17 AM (9 hours ago)
Dear friend,
We wish to inform you that the diplomatic agent conveying the consignment box valued the sum of $950,000 United States Dollars misplaced your address and he is currently stranded at the airport now. We required youre confirm the following information below so that he can deliver your consignment box to you today.
NAME: ====
ADDRESS: ========
MOBILE NO.========
NAME OF YOUR NEAREST AIRPORT:=======
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION : =======
Please do contact the diplomatic agent with the email below with theinformation required.
Contact Person: Diplomat Donald
EMAIL: (diplomatdonald@globomail.com)
Phone: 315-939-7706
NOTE: The Diplomatic agent does not know that the real content of the consignment box is $950,000 United States Dollars but was deface as family treasures for securities reasons and on no circumstances should you let him know the content. So never allow him to open the box and keep the cash for X mass feast.
Thanks.
Dr. Sule Aboki
Delivery company Manager
+22998822830
Ha ha ha......... who knows??????
-----------------------------------------------
diplomat is ready to meet you but stranded
Reply Dr. sule Aboki show details 8:17 AM (9 hours ago)
Dear friend,
We wish to inform you that the diplomatic agent conveying the consignment box valued the sum of $950,000 United States Dollars misplaced your address and he is currently stranded at the airport now. We required youre confirm the following information below so that he can deliver your consignment box to you today.
NAME: ====
ADDRESS: ========
MOBILE NO.========
NAME OF YOUR NEAREST AIRPORT:=======
A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION : =======
Please do contact the diplomatic agent with the email below with theinformation required.
Contact Person: Diplomat Donald
EMAIL: (diplomatdonald@globomail.com)
Phone: 315-939-7706
NOTE: The Diplomatic agent does not know that the real content of the consignment box is $950,000 United States Dollars but was deface as family treasures for securities reasons and on no circumstances should you let him know the content. So never allow him to open the box and keep the cash for X mass feast.
Thanks.
Dr. Sule Aboki
Delivery company Manager
+22998822830
Monday, November 01, 2010
Just wonder how can my email won a lottery????
Ha ha ha ha
My email has just won a lottery of $ 1 million.
Email can also win a lottery.
Ha ha ha ha
----------------------------------------------------------
SPORTS TOTO-Sweepstake Lottery.(MALAYSIA).
In Conjunction with the SUNLITE INCOOPERATED(UNITED KINGDOM).
Ref. No: STSL/WIN/527/05/10/MYUKBatch. No: UKMY/454/3/09/010.
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THE LOTTERY AWARD 2010.
We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer balloting sweepstake held on 1st November, 2010. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used.
It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it. Your email address attached to Ticket No: MYUK/65/GD10 with Serial No: MYUK/727 drew the SPORTSTOTO Lucky No: 09,12,16,56,33 Extra(1009) which consequently won the draw in this very second category draw. You have been approve for the star prize of USD$1,000,000.00 (One Million UnitedStates Dollars ONLY).
CONGRATULATIONS!!!: The Sports TOTO lottery has discovered a huge number of double claims due to winners informing close friends relatives and third parties about their winning and also sharing their pin numbers. As a result ofthis, these friends try to claim the lottery on behalf of the real winners. The Sports TOTO lottery has reached a decision from headquarters that any double claim discovered by the Lottery Board will result to the cancelation of that particular winning, making a loss for both the double claimer and the real winner, as it is taken that the real winner was the informer to the double claimer about the lottery. So you are hereby strongly advised once more to keep your winnings strictly confidential until you claim your prize.
NOTE: Do not reply this mail. You are to contact your claims officer immediately. In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference number in every one of your correspondences. Hence, carefully provide the appropriate informations below for record purposesto facilitate our immediate commencement of your claims process.
*NAME OF BENEFICIARY: -------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*CITY/STATE: ----------------------
*NATIONALITY:----------------------
*SEX: -----------------------------
*EMAIL: ---------------------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*TELEPHONE: -----------------------
*OCCUPATION: ----------------------
*AGE: -----------------------------
*AMOUNT WON: ----------------------
A scanned copy of either your drivers lience or international passport*PHOTOPAGE* is also required for your identification purpose and the processing ofyour winnings ONLY.
To begin your claims, kindly contact your claims fiduciary agent in address below with all above informations as to enable the immediate processing of your winnings.
DR. GABRIEL SAMADE
-mail: mrgabriels22@yahoo.com.hk
Tel: +60-1-632-76094
Be informed that your winning must be claimed not later than Seven (7) of this notice. Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, remember to quote your reference number and batch number in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Once again congratulations. Your email adress has brougt to you this unexpected luck.
CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE MORE FROM THE ENTIRE MANAGEMENT AND STAFF OF SPORTS TOTO
-Sweepstake Lottery COOPERATION TO ALL OUR LUCKY WINNERSTHIS YEAR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF THIS PROMOTIONAL LOTTERY PROGRAM.
Sincerely,
Rev.Dr. Coral Brut.
My email has just won a lottery of $ 1 million.
Email can also win a lottery.
Ha ha ha ha
----------------------------------------------------------
SPORTS TOTO-Sweepstake Lottery.(MALAYSIA).
In Conjunction with the SUNLITE INCOOPERATED(UNITED KINGDOM).
Ref. No: STSL/WIN/527/05/10/MYUKBatch. No: UKMY/454/3/09/010.
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THE LOTTERY AWARD 2010.
We wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer balloting sweepstake held on 1st November, 2010. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used.
It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it. Your email address attached to Ticket No: MYUK/65/GD10 with Serial No: MYUK/727 drew the SPORTSTOTO Lucky No: 09,12,16,56,33 Extra(1009) which consequently won the draw in this very second category draw. You have been approve for the star prize of USD$1,000,000.00 (One Million UnitedStates Dollars ONLY).
CONGRATULATIONS!!!: The Sports TOTO lottery has discovered a huge number of double claims due to winners informing close friends relatives and third parties about their winning and also sharing their pin numbers. As a result ofthis, these friends try to claim the lottery on behalf of the real winners. The Sports TOTO lottery has reached a decision from headquarters that any double claim discovered by the Lottery Board will result to the cancelation of that particular winning, making a loss for both the double claimer and the real winner, as it is taken that the real winner was the informer to the double claimer about the lottery. So you are hereby strongly advised once more to keep your winnings strictly confidential until you claim your prize.
NOTE: Do not reply this mail. You are to contact your claims officer immediately. In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference number in every one of your correspondences. Hence, carefully provide the appropriate informations below for record purposesto facilitate our immediate commencement of your claims process.
*NAME OF BENEFICIARY: -------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*CITY/STATE: ----------------------
*NATIONALITY:----------------------
*SEX: -----------------------------
*EMAIL: ---------------------------
*ADDRESS: -------------------------
*TELEPHONE: -----------------------
*OCCUPATION: ----------------------
*AGE: -----------------------------
*AMOUNT WON: ----------------------
A scanned copy of either your drivers lience or international passport*PHOTOPAGE* is also required for your identification purpose and the processing ofyour winnings ONLY.
To begin your claims, kindly contact your claims fiduciary agent in address below with all above informations as to enable the immediate processing of your winnings.
DR. GABRIEL SAMADE
-mail: mrgabriels22@yahoo.com.hk
Tel: +60-1-632-76094
Be informed that your winning must be claimed not later than Seven (7) of this notice. Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, remember to quote your reference number and batch number in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Once again congratulations. Your email adress has brougt to you this unexpected luck.
CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE MORE FROM THE ENTIRE MANAGEMENT AND STAFF OF SPORTS TOTO
-Sweepstake Lottery COOPERATION TO ALL OUR LUCKY WINNERSTHIS YEAR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF THIS PROMOTIONAL LOTTERY PROGRAM.
Sincerely,
Rev.Dr. Coral Brut.
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