If Men Wrote Advice Columns

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other man. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than spending a few days away from home (plus it's a great time to clean the house). Just look how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is for your and your best friend to perform oral sex on him, then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it during your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing this up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at all times without any strings attached. What this probably means is that you do not love your husband as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand your problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.