Tuesday, May 31, 2011
BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN - kindly written by a woman
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Monday, May 30, 2011
Boy Without Eyelids
Did you hear about the boy who was born without eyelids?
The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him.
Amazing isn't it.
He's doing quite well actually, other than being alittle cockeyed.
The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him.
Amazing isn't it.
He's doing quite well actually, other than being alittle cockeyed.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Bragging Rights
I know a guy who swears that:
His Dick is so big, it has its own dick, and even his dick's dick is bigger than yours.
His Dick is so big, he can wear it as a tie, but he's too afraid of getting a hard-on and choking himself.
His Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.
His Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'his dick'!
His Dick is so big, it has its own dick, and even his dick's dick is bigger than yours.
His Dick is so big, he can wear it as a tie, but he's too afraid of getting a hard-on and choking himself.
His Dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's phone calls.
His Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in 'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'his dick'!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Top 10 Reasons Why Computers Are Male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Computer Terms
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
30 Things You Never to a naked man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Female to Male Translation
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Five Kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and the bitch fucks you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Flea Joke
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Free Drinks
Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea.
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.
The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar.
"What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers."
The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer.
They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work.
The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Gas Grill
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in thegarden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Friday, May 20, 2011
Random facts
Random facts are great conversation starters. They can excite you, enlighten you, tickle your funny bone and amuse you as well. Trust random facts to bring a happy and positive expression on your face. There are countless numbers of random facts and knowing them will take a long time. Random facts can make us aware of some hidden gems. They will allow us a glimpse of some of most fascinating subjects.
Some interesting random facts !
- Leonardo da Vinci is supposed to have invented scissors.
- A camel is supposed to last longer without water but Rat can last even longer without it.
- Those who love ice-cream should know that Eskimo Pie is the first chocolate-covered ice cream bar and it was invented in Onawa, Iowa, USA in 1921.
- The world’s smallest island country is Nauru.
- The largest producer of gold is South Africa.
- The largest bell in the world is the Emperor Bell in Moscow, Russia. It is 20 ft or1 m tall.
- Do you know what is the name given to that little dot over “i”? It’s known as “tittle”.
- There are only few words in dictionary that don’t rhyme with any other words. These are orange, silver and purple.
- Mount Rushmore is perhaps the most impressive rock formation carved by men. It was made by Gutzon Borglum and took just 14 years to carve it.
- The famous Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
- Like retina and finger print, every individual also has a unique tongue print.
- There are no less than 717 native languages in a small country known as Papua New Guinea.
- This must be exciting for hummingbirds as they can fly backward as well.
- ENIAC was the name of world’s first electronic computer. It was produced in 1946 and its size was humungous.
- Every Year a staggering number of 50 millions bicycles are produced.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........
MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..........
It is really bad to a smoke cigarette..
The Taj Mahal is one of the wonders of the world.
Chocolate kills dogs! . A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
The world's tallest woman is Sandy Allen. She is 2.35m (7 ft. 7 in.).
Socrates became famous for asking questions about almost everything !!
The mother of all European languages is Sanskrit, which is considered the most suitable language for computer software - Amazing India facts
The earliest maps were made by the Babylonians about 2300 B.C.
The greenhouse effect causes trouble by raising the temperature of the planet.
Did you know......... some interesting facts
A zebra is white with black stripes.
All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.
Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.
The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.
The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.
The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.
India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.
'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.
Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.
Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias !!
It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( We know you gonna try this !!! )
A snail can sleep for 3 years. ( wow, lucky chap eh ? )
The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start
In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.
"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
Twenty-Four-Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.
Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Say no evil ).
55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn. hello, zzzzz zzzz ?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
MORE INTERESTING AMAZING FACTS..
Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
-A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
-A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.
-A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.
-About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.
-A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.
-A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet
-A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
-A zebra is white with black stripes.
- Porpoises and dolphins communicate with each other by squeaking, growling, moaning, and whistling. Porpoises and dolphins are mammals. There are about 40 species or kinds of porpoises and dolphins. Most porpoises and dolphins navigate by using "echolocation". The largest member of the dolphinfamily is called an orca or killer whale.
- The hippopotamus gives birth under water and nurses its young in the river as well, though the young hippos do come up periodically for air.
-A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime
The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.
The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.
-- How the wind blows. As the sun warms the earth’s surface, the atmosphere warms too. Some parts of the earth receive direct rays from the sun all year and are always warm. Other places receive indirect rays, so the climate is colder. Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises. Then cool air moves in and replaces the rising warm air. This movement of air is what makes the wind blow.
- Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
--Why do we might feel warmer wearing a dark-colored jacket than a light-colored one? . Dark colors absorb light energy. Light colors and whitereflect light energy. When light shines on your dark jacket, the jacket fabric absorbs light energy. The absorbed light energy causes electrons in the atoms of the jacket to vibrate. This activity releases heat energy, which makes the jacket—and you—warmer. That's why we like to wear more dark colors in winter and more light colors in summer.
-While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.
-At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.
--A flute made of bone is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. It’s a flute carved from a bird’s wing bone more than 9,000 years ago. The flute was discovered with other flutes at an ancient burial site in China.
- The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of upto 41.7 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt 6,000 years ago
-- Glue dates back to prehistoric times. Artists once mixed colorings with raw eggs, dried blood, and plant juices to make sticky paints for cave murals. Later, ancient Egyptians and other people learned to make stronger glues by boiling animal bones and hides. Today companies make glues using synthetic substances.
-A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.
-A cat uses whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.
-A cat will clean itself with paw and tongue after a dangerous experience or when it has fought with another cat. This is an attempt by the animal to soothe its nerves by doing something natural and instinctive.
-The grizzly bear can run as fast as the average horse!!
- The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male simply prefers to rest. !!
- A jellyfish is 95 percent water!
- At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.
-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
-You blink over 10,000,000 times a year!
- Of all the words in the English language, the word ' set ' has the most definitions!
- The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!-
- Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!
- A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
-A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.
-More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
- "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
- No word in the English language rhymes with "month".
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
- All polar bears are left handed.
-Ants don't sleep.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hi Dave
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Monday, May 16, 2011
Hung Like a Spud
Dan and Will are on the beach, trying to impress the ladies when Dan say "I'm not having much luck with the women, Will."
Will gives him some advice by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"
Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.
They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."
After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."
Will gives him some advice by saying "Try putting a potato down your swim trunks. That's what I do, and the babes love it!"
Dan knew about Will's love life and agreed that he would try it to see if he could come close in matching Will.
They part and after several hours, Dan goes looking for Will to explain: "I tried the potato trick and I'm getting blown off worse than before."
After looking him over, Will said, "Uh ... try putting it down the FRONT of your trunks."
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Husband 1.0
There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.
Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.
Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.
Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.
After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.
Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.
Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9
On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.
Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
If Women Had A Penis They Would…
1.Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
2.Get a blow job.
3.Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
4.Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
5.Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
6.Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
7.Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
8.Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
9.Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
10.And the best thing women would do if they woke up with a penis?
2.Get a blow job.
3.Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
4.Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
5.Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
6.Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
7.Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
8.Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
9.Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
10.And the best thing women would do if they woke up with a penis?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Leftover Gifts
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Thursday, May 12, 2011
If Only Men Would Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Male Bashing Q and A
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Male Etiquette
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Monday, May 09, 2011
Masturbation is Better that Sex Because…
Your hand always lets you finish first.
It's free.
Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
You call the position.
"Premature ejaculation"?
No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
Your privates are your best friend.
Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
You get to scream out your own name.
Peeing is considered foreplay.
Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
It's free.
Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
You call the position.
"Premature ejaculation"?
No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
Your privates are your best friend.
Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
You get to scream out your own name.
Peeing is considered foreplay.
Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
Interesting facts
Here are some facts :
- Vanilla is the world’s most favourite Ice Cream flavour.
- The flattest country in the world is Maldives with a maximum natural ground of just 2.3 meters.
- It has remained unsolved but a duck’s quack does not echo.
- Bingham Canyon Mine is the largest excavation in the world.
- The Fraser Island in Australia is also known as the largest sand island.
- Astronaut Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.
- Any clue about shortest complete sentence in the English language? Its, “I Am.”
- How hard you try, you cannot fold any piece of paper more than 7 times.
- Bermuda Triangle houses the most notorious sea in the world known as Sargasso Sea.
- Only one planet rotates clockwise and that’s Venus.
- Refrain from using shades of blue colour because mosquitoes are attracted to this colour twice as much as any other colour.
- No less than 25,000 islands are situated in the Pacific Ocean.
- The actual function of mosquito repellents is of blocking the mosquito’s sensors and that way they wouldn’t be able to know your whereabouts.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Mayday!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, " PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? "
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Men Are Like…
Men are like a fine wine... They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Men Know…
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at hercleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Men vs Women
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'
This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.'
This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Things Men Will Never Say
I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
I understand.
This movie has too much nudity.
Damn, we're late for church.
No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
I understand.
This movie has too much nudity.
Damn, we're late for church.
No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
A Million Dicks
A man walks up to a lady and says if there where a million dicks all around you, how many would you choke on?
The lady replies by saying, "None!"
Then the man says, "Now that I know you're a pro at what you do, can you blow me too?"
The lady replies by saying, "None!"
Then the man says, "Now that I know you're a pro at what you do, can you blow me too?"
Monday, May 02, 2011
More Male Bashing
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius!
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have enough time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: Because they don't stop and ask for directions!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in!
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They were both intended for children, but men end up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock!
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It is sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump womens legs at coctail parties!
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy!
Q: Why is a mans piss yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell whether he is coming or going!
Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Nobody knows since it never happens!
Q: A woman always has the last word in any argument.
A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
A: Because they are plugged into a genius!
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have enough time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: Because they don't stop and ask for directions!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in!
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They were both intended for children, but men end up playing with them!
Q: Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock!
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It is sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump womens legs at coctail parties!
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy!
Q: Why is a mans piss yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell whether he is coming or going!
Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Nobody knows since it never happens!
Q: A woman always has the last word in any argument.
A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Need Condoms
A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
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