It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my
wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I
searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out
onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the
edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his
hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed
it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart
attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad
day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful,"
said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab
the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started
pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then
the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into
heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of
fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of
fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the
teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your
thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat
trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on
Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I
like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his
hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana,"
she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up
loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.
Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she
cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom
making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the
young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started
screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a
solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being
very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee
out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some
honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I
feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the
bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever,
just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis
with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.
Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The
young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud,
"Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked
like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's
breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point,
suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do
you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating,
replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"